I'm one of the regulars who posts in the Community Forum and just want to add to Dr. Maheu's post about paying it forward by saying that there's another way that people can pay it forward. They can come and post and have the courage to keep coming back without waiting for an answer before saying more.

The people who are most successful here are the ones who keep telling us what's going on. People get answers as others wander in and out, and write back. People always answer, but maybe not on your timeline. So why wait?

Those who keep posting end up with a whole diary of their own thoughts to look at, in additon to comments from other people.

It's all anonymous so no one will ver know who you are, and it's FREE support! What's to lose? Do it now.

We've had millions of people pass through our Community Forums over the past 14 years. In the first years, I would 'purge thesystem" every month to make room on the serrver for more and mroe posts. Then we finally moved to our own dedicated server, and now we have enough room for the millions more people to tell us their story.

Ok, how can you best use what's still here?

Here are few suggestions to get you money's in our Forums. What… our Forums are free? Oh, right! Well, here's how to get the most out of the time you spend here, and have some fun, too.

1. Pay it forward. You know: give before you get. Before people will take the time to read your post and write you an answer, you've got to show them you are worth their time and energy.

Not up for it? Too bad. Go elsewhere. There is nothing here for people who just want to unload their problem and expect others to service them. But, if you are mature enough to give before expecting something of value back, you will find some of the brightest, most generous people in these forums.

2. Next, search the archives using keywords related to the question you have in your mind (or heart) when you come to SelfhelpMagazine. Look for search box in upper right hand corner of every page.

Ignore the dates you see in those archives. People have lived with the same sort of issues and problems and pains since the dawn of humanity. The issue you have today is one someone else had three years ago and the same that someone else will have in 5 years from now. Sure, the wrappings are different, but at heart, most problems have been catalogued and rated and studied and fixed for centuries now, so your problems are nothing new under the sun, even if you are a giant ax murderer with three-toed feet and fangs. Start reading other people's questions and the answers they received. You'll be amazed at what you see, I promise.

3. If their question is similar to yours, type a comment and let the community know that you share this same concern, question, issue or whatever.

4. Then scroll down and find some answers that person received and comment about them, too. Agree or disagree, or state your case in different wrappings, or offer a solutioin that you've learned about some aspect of what is being said. Write something - anything that is honest and sincere, not silly or rude.

5. Don't make the mistake of reading and leaving without writing. If you take time to visit, leave something so people will get to know you, and want to give back to you later. Let others know that you read their post, that you have a heart, and that you took the time to comment, even if it's a one-liner. That's paying it forward. Besides, everyone is suppose to use an anonymous name. No one will ever know who you are, so let it rip.

6. If you've read anything about your issue in our SelfhelpMagazine or other online resources, mention what you read and what you think about it. if you've read a lot and still can't get through your problem, give full detials of what you know you're doing to get in your own way. You'll get a lot more comments if you admit somethign than if you just complain and blame everything on your boss, or husband, or therapist.

For example, and this only an example, most people have some clue as to what they are doing to make things worse for themselves, like, "yeah my wife screams at me often, but then again, I don' do the things I promise to do when I promised to do them, so I let her down and she has good reason to get upset." Or "I have an eating disorder, but I am the one that goes and buys those 5 boxes of mashed potatoes and cooks them all up at once."

Be very specific about how you mess yourself up. People appreciate that kind of honesty, because they can relate to it. We all mess ourselves up. When we admit how, our vulnerability draws people who can help, who want to help. If someone is cruel when we have admitted something, then we know to avoid them and hang with those who are willing to help.

7. Now, you and I both know that when someone coughs up their gnarly contribution to a problem, they are immediately more interesting, more approachable, more human, more fun to talk to. They can laugh at themselves. They are fundamentally more interesting to talk to because they can have a real conversation with you about how they keep getting themselves into trouble. And here's the biggest secret of them all - it's by having those kinds of real conversations with real people that you will find your answers. Some of those people are in our forums right now, waiting for someone like you to come and converse.

8. Go try it - right now!

And please do come back to let me know how it worked.

I'll be back soon with more pointers for you another day:)

Dr. Maheu

What's a Virtual Book Tour?

Well, in SelfhelpMagazine (SHM), a Virtual Book Tour is going to be when I conduct a telephone interview of a best-selling self-help or psychology book author the author. Readers of the magazine will have a chance to listen in for FREE, and also ask their questions.

In fact, not only will some listeners on the call be given the opportunity to ask their question of the speaker during the call, but everyone registered for the call will be given the chance to submit their question for that author ahead of time when they register for the call. If you have more than one question, get your friend or neighbor or family member to also subscribe and submit your other questions for you.

That way, the author will be able to answer some of the most frequently asked questions during their formal interview. In essence, your questions will create the backbone of our interview. Pretty good, eh?

And all this is for free??

Yep, it's part of our new package of services for our loyal readers.

How can you be informed of these events ahead of time?

Glad you asked There are three ways to be notified. The first is to look for announcements of these Virtual Book Tours in this blog, in our newsletters, and in our new Events Calendar. More will soon be revealed about each of these features and how to use them. Keep posted!!

Who are the first authors to be interviewed?

I am honored to be interviewing two well-known and highly respected authors. The first will be Dr. Larry Rosen, author of Me MYSpace & I: Parenting the Net Generation. If you have concerns about how a teenager in your life is operating, have a look at his free chapter available through our homepage, and then come to hear him speak about his book. You will walk away with a better understanding of how to communicate, and what to worry or not worry about!

The second will be Dr. Linda Abbott Trapp. She is the author of the award winning book, Letters to My Granddaughters: Insights and Inspiration for a Life Journey. You will find several articles from her if you run a Google search in our magazine. If you look now, you'll also find a couple of her articles featured on our homepage, too. More sepcific information about dates and time will soon follow.

Tell your friends and family members about these Virtual Book Tours and share the wealth!

Dr. Maheu

So much is happening with SelfhelpMagazine! We have new programmers and a new graphic artist, and they are giving us a new look and greatly enhanced functionality.

We are going to add new features, but before we do, I'd like toask yuo what you want, need, or prefer.

If you've seen other useful features on websites or can think of ways our site can be improved, please let me know here. Please feel free to paste the links for other sites you've liked right here, so that I can take a look at them and understand what you are referencing, ok?

Thanks ahead of time for your input.

And if you have anything positive to say about this website, or how it has influenced you, please tell me that, too

Dr. Maheu

Dini wrote this in response to someone who looked like she was depressed, but not identifying it in herself:

Hi K…

We "spoke" a few messages ago. I read your post about your classes and work situation and my immediate thought was pretty much the same as Jimmy's; the word depression popped into my head. I've had a major one and lack of caring about things we normally care about, not taking care of ourselves, etc., are some of the symptoms. I've done pretty much what you are describing (except the thesis part). Let us know what you think if you follow Jimmy's suggestion and "google" depression. There is a sort of standard list of symptoms that I'm sure you could find on numerous sites (including this one).

If you are experiencing depression the good news is that it can be treated and managed. I've found therapy and appropriate meds took me from a place of insane, and at times suicidal, depression to much more solid ground (well, at least what passes for solid ground under my feet anyway). And I continue therapy to avoid those places and learn about "triggers" and dealing with them before I start spiraling downward. Insanity is a fascinating place, I'm glad I know where it is (for me), but I'd rather not spend a lot of time visiting. (Don't take that the wrong way; I am not saying you are insane - I was and now have the knowledge that I am perfectly capable of being insane, even did a "walk on" for a short hospital stint of my own volition in a particularly bad patch - while I didn't enjoy the experience of insanity very much, it is handy knowledge to have in hand). I'm also a sober alky which is another form of insanity (the drinking part).

Let us know your thoughts and feelings about it. There are plenty of folks around here who have been through depression - you certainly would not be alone. It's a lot more common than most folks like to let on.

Dini worte this about his dreams:

I've had some of the most consistently vivid, both good, bad, confusing, terrifying and delightful dreams over the past couple of years that I've ever had in my life. When one is particularly vivid, my therapist is always interested in discussing it and, IMHO, for good reason.

They've provided a lot of insight into fears, desires, feelings, my "inner self" being aware that I can handle things my "outer self" isn't aware of yet, or hey, maybe I'm just "practicing" in the dream, fears I haven't fully acknowledged to myself or been aware of….etc. etc.

From terrifying PTSD stuff to dreams in which I am competent, confident and content. As Gregg says, a mixed bag. But the vivid ones I pay attention to; if they wake me up or are so vivid they color my day the next day, and I remember them in detail, there is usually something in there for me to learn. It's almost feels as if I'm trying to tell myself something at times.

Here's Jimmy's list that he gave to someone in the Community Forum:

Here are some things that I've adopted as my blue print for survival when life is hard:

1. Take one day at a time.
2. Treat myself to things I enjoy and are healthy for me, as much as I can.
3. Walk every day for at least an hour.
4. Shower every day, no matter what.
5. Eat healthy food - hold back on the chemicals. They just mess me up worse.
6. No alcohol.
7. No caffeine or stimulants other than anti-depressants or other prescribed meds or vitamin products. I let a trusted doctor make those medical decisions for me because when I get into a bad place, I make ridiculous decisions about what's good for me. Then I follow their directions.
8. No hanging out with people who put me down. I only have contact with people who help build me up.
9. No watching dramas, murders, scary or bummer movies. That includes no artsy or European films. I only watch comedies. Period. Comedies.
10. Get up every day at a specific time, no matter what.
11. If I can't wake up when I get up, I go outside and walk until my vision clears and I can begin smelling things again.

I don't now if my list will help you, but I hope it gives you some direction.

Jo responded to a woman who was upset about reduced vsititation recommended by a child custody mediator who seems to have an ax tro grind with her and her husband, the child's father. This below is what Jo suggested, what are your thoughts?
My experience is limited in this area, but I can certainly tell by your posts that you are a sensitive and aware parent, and seemingly trying to do everything possible to help your step-son. In the cases of mediation that I have seen, once again, limited, but the mediator often has too much power.

Your step son is being taught negative things and you are powerless to make overly strong interventions because he is likely to tell his mother and the mediator, who will interpret your actions as being incorrect. he is still very young, and therefore very impressionable, which is all the more reason to do as much as you can, as soon as you can.  He is lucky to have you, so keep that in mind as you wage the battle that indeed lies before you.

The only thing that I have ever seen work in this kind of situation is to pull in a very experienced child psychologist, one who knows and works with the school system very closely. As the father, your husband can hire such a professional to at least help you both deal more effectively with your child. In the best of worlds, you and your husband can meet with the psychologist, who then can advise you about how to deal with the court and the mediator. It might cost you a few hundred or thousand dollars, but it can work wonders if you find the right one.

A good psychologist will be known by the schools, the courts, the mediators and respected by all. When calling around, look for someone who has at least 15 years experience working in your particular system, is recommended by at least two other professionls and who will take to you for five minutes by telephone before making an appointment.,

When you have him or her on the phone, ask them point bblank if they know the mediator yand judge you are dealing with. If not, ask that psychologist if there might be someone in the professional cmmunity who would know that judge and mediator. I'd get this information before even saying anything negative about her - just ask if someone knows her.

The point is to get someone who she respects, and might have some pull with her. Anything you say to a therapist you hire is completely confidential, so if you meet with one who sounds good ob the phone but turns out to be an idiot who loves your mediator and tells you you are out to lunch, you can leave and never come back - and they can't tell anyone they ever saw you. So you have nothing but time and money to lose, and not even all that much of it when you consider that within an hour of sitting with someone, you will know if you have found an ally, or an idiot.

If you find an idoit, go back to step one and keep asking around. If the mediator is a little Hitler, the community will know about her and someone will know how to get through to her…or will know that she she is untouchable. in either case, you will be helped by know who you are up against.

In the best of scenarios, this professional will have some pull, will manage to pull in other professionals, maybe to do some psychological testing and or get some teacher reports to build a case that the child has changed for the negative and that you need to get help for him as a family.

If that is recommended, do it,. and go to the professionals that are recommended by the ones you trust. Things can turn around very quickly in child custody cases, and can be brought up again and again every year or two if allowed by your county.

Keep us informed. My heart and best wishes goes out to you.

Jo

Jimmy also responded to the straight man who is attracted to the lesbian. He said:

If I can interject here…lesbians are well known for playing both sides of the fence. My younger sister has been lesbian from the womb. She and her circle of friends (many of whom have been her former lovers) seem to have taken me as their straight guy friend/confidant/mentor. My wife doesn't mind, so I support them emotionally whenever they have relationship problems and breakups. I also have taken it upon myself to do a fair amount of reading in the area of lesbian identify development and relationship patterns.

Ok, now that I've established my credentials, to some degree, let me say that assuming this woman is going to return to women someday is short-sighted and possibly flat out wrong. Many women who love women also love men - and can go back and forth, in serial monogamy. Their choice of their next partner is often based on who shows up and who is attractive to them at any given point in time.

It would be the best of all worlds to be able to live happily with someone from either gender.
I think they have the best of all worlds, and you might just be in a very favorable situation. The secret may lie in talking with her about her perception of her sexual orientation. If she sees herself as ultimately ending up with a woman, then you know not to get seriously involved.

On the other hand, if she sees herself as possibility settling down with a man, and she says she wants to consider you for that role, then, my friend, I'd go for it. That's just my 2 cents.

Dini responded to a straight man who was confused by what he should do about his feelings of attraction for a previously lesbian woman who seemingly was liking him back. Dini commented:

I REALLY admire your honesty and self-awareness. Man, so many people aren't even aware of what they are DOING, much less what their motivations or reasons or emotional feelings may be about it. You really know how to look at yourself in the mirror and I have a LOT of respect for that!

And it sounds like you know her well enough ("she's too much of a straight shooter and doesn't like playing games") to have a pretty good idea that she's not "rebounding" or playing games that have to do with her ex. Maybe the fact that she's a straight shooter is among the reasons her ex is her ex?

Your ability to distinguish between an emotional and a sexual attraction is admirable. Funny, I spent Friday evening at a benefit fandango with, among other people I had invited to the table I purchased, one of my best friends who happens to be lesbian. She and I also had an immediate and powerful connection when we first met, and it was (and is) completely non-sexual. Maybe the fact that it was non-sexual allowed or made it easier for other emotions to swirl their way in without being hung-up on sexual possibilities??? (Hehe….she's such a good friend and knows me so well that I promised her on Friday night that I would not make a certain major decision without first calling her and talking - she also knows that if I give my word I'll keep it so she'll get that call).

I LOVE your story about the woman who said "oh come on, it's not like I TALK to them"………LOL…..that's exactly what I was talking about with lesbian identifiying women who have played around with men.

So, speaking of talk. Have you talked to her about this? What it might mean or feel like for her, for you, your fear that you may lose a friend in the process, perhaps her assurance that that's not going to happen? Or whatever is the truth for each of you and what each of you are comfortable with?

Glad you are here! You add a lot. Stick around, there's a lot of interesting, wise, compassionate characters around here; at least that's been my experience and this is the first forum site I've felt comfortable and safe in. I'm kinda partial to the "instruction" that says "Be nice - or Leave." That's pretty much been the case in my experience. Doesn't mean someone won't give you some straight up honesty, but it does mean they'll do it in the spirit of "positively" calling you on your stuff or asking the hard questions that might help get at some healthy solutions.

Happy you've jumped aboard and please stick around. (Oh yeah, and some of these characters have a sense of humor, and I appreciate yours).

Take care.

Dini