SelfhelpMagazine.com Weblog

Jimmy quoted someone who offered a list of things that might make you want to leave a spouse. Other discussion forum menbers added their own thoughts:

Original list:
1. You can’t stand the sight of them and they make your skin crawl
2. You are afraid of them
3. Friends keep telling you to get out
4. They are mean to the children
5. The children are afraid of them
6. You can’t remember anything good about them
7. You no longer enjoy anything with them or look forward to doing anything with them
8. They come in the door and your heart sinks
9. You don’t want to go out with them with friends or family because they are too embarrassing
10. They keep making promises they don’t keep
11. You’re no longer proud of them
12. Quirks you originally found amusing are now embarrassing to you
13. They keep violating the restraining order you put on them

Joanne added:

14. They are angry often, and unwilling to discuss it.

Dini added:

15. When there’s something fundamental about the person or relationship you don’t care for which seriously and negatively impacts the relationship and YOU are dumb enough to start thinking YOU (alone) can change it - move on.

Lily added:

16. I’d say that it’s time to leave when you realize they’ve been bleeding your bank account, and can only come up with excuses, rather than cash to replace it.

In response to a young woman who is concerned about being rejected when she tells her religious friends about her lesbianism, Lily said:

I’ve learned that it just isn’t safe to come out to everyone. Period. Some people can’t handle it and will reject you. Period.

It’s a crazy world. I chose to come out as a lesbian although I am really bisexual. But I had to come out as lesbian because if I told the lesbians that I am bi-sexual, they would reject me too. I learned to keep my mouth shut.

It is like living a double life, but no more than when we are around children, or clergy, or teachers, or strangers and don’t mention sex at all. We all show parts of our personalities to the world, as we, and the world can handle it.

Your freak-out about this will calm itself as you decide who is safe to come out to, and who just can’t or won’t hear it.

You are having normal coming out anxieties. Just take one step at a time, tell one trusted person at a time. Some will reject you, others won’t. Some you will never be able to honest with, because they will judge you with their narrow minds and toss you aside. Others will embrace you and enrich your life with their acceptance and love. Life is hard.

Dini responded to a woman who feels like she is trying to control her eating by controlling the ingredients of her food to the point that she spends hours in the grocery store.

Dini said,”The “control” issue … you CAN choose to eat that pastry just as I CAN choose to have that first drink. In that respect, we do have control. For me, after that, control goes out the window.

I’m in your corner all the way this week!!

Dini wrote to a young woman who is feeling numbness as she goes through the motions of getting a divorce. Dini says,”Good to see you back in the ‘hood. For what it’s worth, feeling numb at times has for me been a way of avoiding feeling badly or avoiding feeling overwhelmed or both. As defense or coping mechanisms go, it’s not the worst in the world as long as you don’t stay that way forever. But if it gets you through the night, I think it’s a pretty normal reaction to what you’re going through.

Just a couple of things I noticed in what you said OK? You said he is behaving “normally” - giving you the third degree about going to a basketball game doesn’t seem that normal and what really strikes me the most, for your sake, is that you are in a situation where you feel the need to ask his “permission” to go. That ain’t normal, not that I really make any claims to knowing what “normal” is or being particular “normal” myself. But I understand having to get through the night in whatever way works so you can make it to the rising sun. So I’m not “criticizing,” just “reminding” OK? Just sort of a reminder that having to be numb and ask permission isn’t normal. But that doing so to make it through the night as you work your way through a difficult situation is OK in my book. (I guess what I’m trying to say is be careful not to “normalize” the situation to yourself and remember you’re just doing what you have to do to get through the night, so you don’t so “normalize” it to yourself that you wake up one day and realize you’re still in it ten years later).

I admire your courage and ability to deal with a really difficult (I imagine I’m putting it mildly) relationship until the door opens that sets you free. And I’m hoping that door appears for you as soon as possible. And you sound like you are methodically working in that direction which takes patience, inner awareness and courage.

Dini responded:

This “revelation” by the new governor and the “spin” he was putting on it stymied me; “we had our problems, we had affairs, we worked it out, we want to show our kids that in a marriage there are peaks and valleys but you work things out”.

How, by having affairs and then making it public so you’re kids have to deal with THAT as well? That’s an interesting twist on “family values”). That’s not my idea of “working things out in a relationship” or public revelations that serve your childrens’ best interests.

In my humble opinion it amounts to: we had affairs (has SHE actually admitted to this or is he saying “we” - I don’t know), and for whatever reasons (political? perhaps she felt she had no options economically for the sake of young kids?….etc….etc. again, I don’t know) we stayed together. In my humble opinion this is nothing more than politics and crass politics at that, considering the family and kids “spin,” because I can think of no other reason for this “revelation,” particularly the timing of it (hey, why didn’t you say this when you were running for Lt. Gov. if you thought it was so important to say?). It has nothing to do with the sake of the family and children “spin” he’s put on it - it’s just simple political pre-emption. Some nosy and enterprising cub reporter might or more likely, will find out and I’m going to pre-empt the harsh spotlight and finger-pointing and defuse the situation by admitting it myself so I can put my own spin on it and lighten the political fall-out. Plus, it’s nice timing; as opposed to his prostitution ring prosecuting predecesser, who then used those services, this good man (and his wife?) had actual affairs with real people, not paid for substitutes. A politically astute distinction - emotionally different as it relates to the marriage or especially, the children??????????

Kids and family my arse. Pre-emptorily defusing a potential political bomb, yup. And putting the “I’m a family man” spin on it to distinquish himself from a guy who likes to visit high priced call-girls is also an unspoken political spin. Horse’s arse, all of it.

Dini reminds us that supporting one another uis what this community is about:

You’re the one providing the inspiration around here, and I for one am thankful for it. Watching you go through your trials and struggles and victories and taking it a day at a time has been some great “role modeling” for me. Even when you’ve felt low or that the chips were down you’ve always kept trying and putting one foot in front of the other. That spells recovery in my book. It also spells a lot of honesty and courage.

Way to go !!

Jimmy reported a newsletter clip he found, written by Marty Klein, Ph.D.

Marty said:

“It’s a great country when a blind black man can become governor of the nation’s most important state.

And David Paterson, within hours of his inauguration, made it an even better country by discussing the extramarital sex he and his wife Michelle each had several years ago.

Their acknowledgment was elegant in its frankness, lack of apology, and limit on details. “I didn’t want to be compromised, I didn’t want to be blackmailed,” stated Paterson. He said he hoped his openness would help New Yorkers trust him and help everyone move forward to focus on governing.

What an amazing idea: a politician admitting he has a normal life–including sexual complications–and getting on with his job. “I betrayed a commitment to my wife several years ago, and I do not feel I’ve betrayed my commitment to the citizens of New York State. I haven’t broken any laws, I don’t think I’ve violated my oath of office, and I saw this as a private matter.”

This sets a new standard for political discourse:
* News media will now have to prove that a politician’s sexual behavior is actually newsworthy.
* Anti-sex “morality” groups will now have to prove that a politician’s private life has relevance to his/her qualifications.
* All this hypocritical, neo-feminist criticism of political wives who choose to publicly support unfaithful husbands (Mmes. Spitzer, McGreevy, Clinton, etc.) can now stop.

At least, that’s what should happen.

By telling the truth, the Patersons put sex right where it belongs: in the realm of other people’s private lives. Bor-ing. With Britney Spears being the most googled term for six of the last seven years, Americans need the news to be way more boring.

Yesterday, Michelle Paterson said “A marriage is going to have peaks and valleys, so I want to show my kids how to get through them and how to work through them, because no marriage is perfect.”

There is nothing more Godly, no leadership more competent, than that.”

Reprinted from Sexual Intelligence, copyright by Marty Klein, Ph.D. (www.SexualIntelligence.org).

Jimmy posted these facts and asks a great quesion:

I just found these facts and thought they might help some people with eating disorders understand the issues as a much larger societal issues rather than just individual problems:

* Approximately 7 million girls and women, and approximately 1 million boys and men will struggle with eating disorders this year.
* Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any DSM diagnosis.
* Anorexia nervosa is the leading cause of death in adolescent girls, with bulimia nervosa a close second.
* 19% of college aged women in America are bulimic although as many as 33% of young women in this age group will experiment with eating disordered behaviors.
* 10% of all persons with eating disorders are male.
* 81% of 10 year-olds are afraid of being fat.
* 91% of women recently surveyed on a college campus had attempted to control their weight through dieting.
* 80% of American women are dissatisfied with their appearance, which is indicative of a cultural condition.
* When surveyed, a group of young women were asked: Would you rather be maimed in an automobile accident, experience the loss of a good friend, flunk out of school, lose all your hair or be fat? The overwhelming response was that they would rather have any of the above situations happen to them than be fat.
* We are truly experiencing an epidemic of disordered eating and body image in our culture. The question becomes, “Now that we are aware, what do we do?”

Jimmy wrote:

Ultimate fighting is legitimized brutality, pure ands simple. I would never let my boys engage in this kind of fighting, much less bring them to practices for such inhumane treatment of themselves or other kids.

Dini wrote:

Jimmy,

It’s a good article and his point is dead on: it’s not about sex toys per se but about criminalizing individual and personal sexual behavior engaged in by (one or more) consenting adults. Geez, I’m old enough to remember when states still had laws against “inter-racial” marriage on the books which were finally struck down by the Supreme Court. Now we struggle to define “race” (which biologically speaking makes no sense; there is only one “race” of humans). And there was the anti-sodomy law case in Georgia in which the police went so far as to “entrap” the guy IN HIS OWN BEDROOM. Wow, great use of law enforcement resources. I wonder if the cops watching and filming were getting their jollies.

Personally, I have always believed that whatever one or more CONSENTING ADULTS want to do is their own business, certainly not mine and certainly not that of the “state” and I don’t want my taxpayer money being spent on monitoring it. (NON-consenting adults and children are another subject).

But then, I used to live down the street from the original “Good Vibrations” store in a city in which all varieties of sexuality and gender and “gender-bending,” TV’s, TS’s and gender changes are visible and to me, normal. A fella I know in AA used to be a gal. This transition took place over some time. I liked Ray as a gal and I like him as a guy. He’s still Ray. One Sunday morning my sponsor and I were having breakfast when Ray happened to walk by with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. After we had chatted and they had left I turned to my sponsor and said “I don’t know what kinda pills Ray’s been taking, but next time I see him I’m going to ask if he’s got a few extra. I want some.” We howled.

So maybe I’m just an amoral slut. Or at least O’Reilly and a few others would probably think so.