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Question

My very conservative, beautiful, 38 year old wife can be really sexually "wild" at times. Go to the bedroom and out comes a tigerwoman. I try to talk about it during the day but she denies everything.

Answer

This is an interesting question. It's not surprising that your wife has a hard time talking directly about sex, especially if part of her "conservative" nature means that she was brought up to downplay her emotions and/or has personal or religious concerns about the enjoyment of sexuality.

Many women feel more confident in themselves and more secure in their relationship as they move through their thirties and beyond. This may be seen in her being more sexually adventurous and may be expressed more easily in the privacy of the bedroom than "in public."

It sounds like you really enjoy your wife's "wild" side and her sexual enjoyment. Talking about it might help her feel even more confident about sharing it with you. In addition, talking more directly about sexuality may open the door for greater closeness and intimacy with your wife.

To facilitate this maybe you can you can arrange for there to be a time when you won't have the usual interruptions of phones, kids, etc.--maybe a nice dinner out or a stroll--when you and your wife are feeling some closeness and connection. Tell her that you sometimes have fantasies that you would like to share but feel unsure if you should and wonder if she might, too. Assure her that you think it's OK to tell fantasies about sexual behavior, even if a person is unwilling to actually do them, and that you would be willing to hear and not judge what she might have to say.

To really bring the point home, take a deep breath and --go first! Tell her about something you've thought about and have been holding back because of some discomfort you have. Your willingness to take the risk can really set the stage for greater openness and trust between the two of you. Remember to start small, be patient and non judgmental, and allow her space to find her "voice" and a comfortable pace.

Tending to the little kitten in her can give your tiger woman something to purr about.

03/18/98

Dr. Al Cooper, clinical director at the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Centre (408-248-9737), runs the training program for Counseling and Psychological Services at Stanford University. Dr. Cooper is internationally known for his work in sexuality and is freqently interviewed by the media. He currently writes a column in Men's Health Magazine.

Dr. Coralie Scherer coordinates online services for the Centre and specializes in sexual trauma, women's issues, and marital therapy.