Please remember, this column is designed to help the consumer seeking behavioral-health information, and not intended to be any form of psychotherapy or a replacement for professional, individualized services. Opinions expressed in the column are those of the columnist and do not represent the position of other SelfhelpMagazine.com staff.

Question

My partner says she doesn't feel it when I come. Is it the condoms? What can I do to improve the situation?

Answer

Individual response to orgasm is incredibly varied and each partner may have entirely different expectations about what their own or their partner's response should be, or how it should feel to them. Because the inner two-thirds of the vagina have very few nerve endings it is doubtful that a woman will actually feel the ejaculate at the moment of release. So wearing a condom probably won't affect a woman's internal sensations.

There are some other ways that you might help your mate become aware of when The Moment has arrived. Sounds like she wants to share in your pleasure and good communication can bring you closer. You might want to talk with her at non-lovemaking times about how you experience orgasm or try being more verbal in as it happens. But good communication doesn't have to be all verbal. Like partners in a dance you might increase your "touch vocabulary." Try guiding her to place her hand on your testicles as they draw up closer to your body at the start of orgasm. Then move on to the base of your penis so that she can become more aware of that rhythmic pulsing as you crescendo. Then perhaps she can anticipate that drumming beat in the outer third of her vagina (closer to the opening) where those more numerous nerve endings are just waiting to join in the dance.

03/18/98

Dr. Al Cooper, clinical director at the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Centre (408-248-9737), runs the training program for Counseling and Psychological Services at Stanford University. Dr. Cooper is internationally known for his work in sexuality and is freqently interviewed by the media. He currently writes a column in Men's Health Magazine.

Dr. Coralie Scherer coordinates online services for the Centre and specializes in sexual trauma, women's issues, and marital therapy.