Please remember, this column is designed to help the consumer seeking behavioral-health information, and not intended to be any form of psychotherapy or a replacement for professional, individualized services. Opinions expressed in the column are those of the columnist and do not represent the position of other SelfhelpMagazine.com staff.

Question

I have been married eight years and regularly give my husband oral sex. I would like to receive oral sex from him, but he has never offered it. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Answer

You have been married eight years longing to receive oral sex from your husband and you haven't expressed this desire to your husband. I am curious to know what you fear might happen if you asked for what you want sexually from your husband. Are you able to talk with him about other aspects of your lovemaking? You have willingly pleasured him with oral sex throughout the course of your marriage. I wonder if you are resentful that he does not reciprocate?

If you are resentful, does your anger manifest itself in some way that you are aware of in your relationship?

You might tell your husband you need to talk with him about something important that is missing in your sexual relationship. (It might be helpful to start this conversation by telling him the things you enjoy and appreciate about your sexual relationship with him.) Ask him how he feels about cunnilingus (oral sex on a woman) or if he has ever practiced it with another partner. This is probably where you need to start. If he is adamantly against it for some reason (e.g. it is "sinful," dirty or disgusting to him), you may need to seek therapy with a knowledgeable sex therapist.

Until you discuss his thinking, feelings and past history in relation to cunnilingus, you probably won't be able to have your desire fulfilled. Eight years is a long time to feel unfulfilled in an important intimate area of your relationship. You may have long standing issues stemming from a belief that you can't ask for what you want or that you don't deserve to have your needs met.

08/23/99