Please remember, this column is designed to help the consumer seeking behavioral-health information, and not intended to be any form of psychotherapy or a replacement for professional, individualized services. Opinions expressed in the column are those of the columnist and do not represent the position of other SelfhelpMagazine.com staff.

Question

My husband is addicted to on-line cybersex. This has been an ongoing problem for many months now. Can you help?

Answer

Sadly, this is becoming a more common problem every year. As with most compulsive behaviors, addiction to on-line cybersex is often a response to anxiety that is an attempt to avoid or escape personal problems, social distress or unpleasant emotions. It involves a sense of shame because of an inability to control the compulsive behavior, in this case, a preoccupation with and strong desire for sex that involves downloading sexually explicit material, spending hours in sex chat rooms, bulletin boards, etc. to the extent that occupational and social spheres are disrupted.

As with other addictions, it is also often accompanied by denial. Sex addicts try to rationalize that they aren't actually "doing anything" or cheating because they are at home and there is no chance of bringing home a sexually transmitted disease. However, if usual sexual activity with their partner diminishes or stops or is no longer mutually satisfying then a real problem does exist. (For a fuller treatment of this topic see the article by Scherer and Cooper in this month's column).

Help may be a while in coming because your husband needs to be made aware that his behavior is distressing for you and is interfering with your relationship (and those with your children, if you have any). If he is able to hear that and wants to change there is help available.

03/18/98

Dr. Al Cooper, clinical director at the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Centre (408-248-9737), runs the training program for Counseling and Psychological Services at Stanford University. Dr. Cooper is internationally known for his work in sexuality and is freqently interviewed by the media. He currently writes a column in Men's Health Magazine.

Dr. Coralie Scherer coordinates online services for the Centre and specializes in sexual trauma, women's issues, and marital therapy.