QUESTIONS & ANSWERS:
Sex & Lust Department
Please remember, this column is designed to help the consumer seeking
behavioral-health information, and not intended to be any form of psychotherapy or a replacement for professional, individualized services. Opinions expressed in the column are those of the columnist and do not represent the position of other SelfhelpMagazine.com staff.
Question
I'm interested in playing sexually with whips, chains and harnesses, but my
partner is afraid I'll use them to inflict pain. I don't understand
the problem: I just want to play. Please help me be more convincing.
Answer
I wonder how much communication you and your partner have had about
this question. Have you been very clear and specific about how you would
like to use the whips, chains and harnesses? If not, I suggest you tell
your partner exactly what you hope to do with those items. If your partner
still refuses, you might consider what it is you find exciting or
interesting about whips, chains and harnesses, and whether there are other
ways to get that excitement that might be more acceptable to your partner.
Otherwise, you'll be faced with either giving up on playing with whips and
chains or with finding other sexual partners. That's because all people
should be free to say no to sexual activities that scare them. I hope you
find a solution that works for both of you.
01/27/99
Dr. Al Cooper, clinical director at the San Jose
Marital and Sexuality Centre (408-248-9737), runs the training program for Counseling
and Psychological Services at Stanford University. Dr. Cooper is internationally
known for his work in sexuality and is freqently interviewed by the media. He
currently writes a column in Men's Health Magazine.
Dr. Coralie Scherer coordinates online services
for the Centre and specializes in sexual trauma, women's issues, and marital
therapy.
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