Please remember, this column is designed to help the consumer seeking behavioral-health information, and not intended to be any form of psychotherapy or a replacement for professional, individualized services. Opinions expressed in the column are those of the columnist and do not represent the position of other SelfhelpMagazine.com staff.

Question

I recently have had a relationship with a 21 year old woman that lasted two months before she broke it off. She told me how much she cared and I know she meant it. I can understand her not wanting to get too close, but she never warned me that she just wanted to be friends. I still want to talk to her and go on walks like we once did. She says she doesn't deserve me and she said she has to think about even wanting to talk to me. I really thought she might be the one. What's wrong here? I really loved her.

Answer

As I hear you it sounds like you cared a lot more for this woman than she cared for you and you are having a hard time accepting it. You act as though just because you loved her and thought she might be "the one" that she should feel the same way. Relationships do not work that way. They must be mutual. Obviously you enjoyed her company more than she enjoyed yours and because she does not share your romantic feelings she is hesitant about even being friends with you. She apparently feels that it would be uncomfortable for her and not fair to you.

When people say that they believe that they do not deserve another person, they usually mean something like "I am not interested in you the way you are interested in me. I am interested in others and therefore do not deserve your feelings of love being directed at me. Go find someone else who can share your loving feelings in a reciprocal manner."

07/08/98

Dr. Edward A. Dreyfus is a Clinical Psychologist, Marriage, Family, Child Therapist, and Sex Therapist. Dr. Dreyfus has been providing psychological services in the Los Angeles-Santa Monica area for over 30 years. He offers individual psychotherapy to adolescents and adults, divorce mediation, couples counseling, group therapy, and career and vocational counseling and assessment.His book, Someone Right For You, is available in the Amazing Bookstore Catalog.

Dr. Dreyfus can be reached at: (310) 208-5700.