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Question

I broke up with my girlfriend about two years ago after having been with her for three years. I have missed her. So recently I surprised her by calling her to have lunch; we met and she surprised me by telling she has a new male friend. She says that she has only been talking to him on the phone and that a life-long family friend has been trying to fix them up.

To make a long story short, I have five years invested in this relationship and he has two weeks on the phone. Yet she says that she can't decide whom to choose. She claims she still loves me, but calls him when I leave her house and can't tell me why she calls him. She says she wants to marry me, but how do I trust that she isn't talking to this guy? Even though it is only on the phone, I consider the time she spends with him as emotionally cheating. Is my definition of emotionally cheating too limiting? She has no friends other than this guy and me. I know freedom is needed but do I need to worry about this guy?

Answer

As I understand it, you were going with this woman for three years, broke up, and two years later you have begun to rekindle the relationship. She told you that she has a male friend of two weeks with whom she is having a telephone friendship. You know that she has few friends. Despite her assurances of love for you, you find yourself jealous of her phone time with him and are wondering whether you should give up the relationship until she is willing to give up her friend.

Perhaps the most important question is whether you trust your girlfriend to be romantically faithful to you. You might want to clarify the nature of her relationship with her new friend. If it is platonic, then you have nothing to worry about. If it is romantic, then perhaps you have to determine whether you can be one of two men she is interested in and may the best man win. Your focus might be on her and being available to her rather than focusing on the other guy.

From what you have said, she has not given you any reason to think that she is having an affair with him. Rather, she seems to be relating to him as she might to a girlfriend. Would you have similar feelings about "emotional cheating" if it were a female friend she was spending time with on the phone? The fact that you say that she has no friends is an important issue. Why should she have to choose between you and a friend? You might want to encourage her to develop friendships with both men and women, as you might want for yourself. Without friendships, couples become too dependent upon one another.

In addition, you might want to explore your own feelings about this relationship. You broke up with her before and it took you two years to realize that you want to be with her. What's changed your mind about the relationship? What's to prevent the relationship from hitting the same snag as before?

3/5/98

Dr. Edward A. Dreyfus is a Clinical Psychologist, Marriage, Family, Child Therapist, and Sex Therapist. Dr. Dreyfus has been providing psychological services in the Los Angeles-Santa Monica area for over 30 years. He offers individual psychotherapy to adolescents and adults, divorce mediation, couples counseling, group therapy, and career and vocational counseling and assessment.His book, Someone Right For You, is available in the Amazing Bookstore Catalog.

Dr. Dreyfus can be reached at: (310) 208-5700.