Please remember, this column is designed to help the consumer seeking behavioral-health information, and not intended to be any form of psychotherapy or a replacement for professional, individualized services. Opinions expressed in the column are those of the columnist and do not represent the position of other SelfhelpMagazine.com staff.

Question

How can I get my wife to stop spending all of her time on-line? Am I to blame? I have asked her to please stop and she will but now she spends more time than ever in cyberspace.

Answer

If I understand your question, you seem to be expressing a need for more contact with your wife. Her hobby seems to be taking too much time away from your relationship and you are feeling neglected. Perhaps, rather than trying to stop her from spending so much time on-line you might want to express these feelings to her, letting her know that you miss her and wish to spend more time with her. Would you have similar feelings if she had a different hobby in which she invested a considerable about of time or is it something about being on-line that particularly bothers you?

When people become addicted to most anything, they are often either escaping from something in the present or they find the addictive activity more stimulating and exciting than their ordinary life. Perhaps you ought to ask both yourself and her whether there is something missing in your relationship. Rather than asking her to stop, you could try to understand what is so appealing for her. In other words, rather than fight her, try to understand her. You might also discuss what she gets from being on-line that she is not getting in your marriage. Ask her and yourself what can be done to spark up your marriage so that it becomes at least as fulfilling as cyberspace.

You might also consider joining her on-line just as you could develop any other hobby together; this way you would have something in common. You could delineate times for the two of you to go on-line, along with specific times for you to be together off-line. Developing a date night each week has been helpful to many couples. Rather than controlling the amount of time she spends on-line, consider trying to negotiate the time you will spend together.

This question of cyberspace addiction is becoming more and more common as the intrigue of cyberspace affects more people. The ease of and inexpensive access to on-line activities has made trips around the globe more possible. And this ease of access can become addictive. It is very compelling to think that one can be in touch with people from anywhere in the world for the price of a local call. There is something going on 24-hours a day and it all can be done anonymously from the privacy of your own home.

3/5/98

Dr. Edward A. Dreyfus is a Clinical Psychologist, Marriage, Family, Child Therapist, and Sex Therapist. Dr. Dreyfus has been providing psychological services in the Los Angeles-Santa Monica area for over 30 years. He offers individual psychotherapy to adolescents and adults, divorce mediation, couples counseling, group therapy, and career and vocational counseling and assessment.His book, Someone Right For You, is available in the Amazing Bookstore Catalog.

Dr. Dreyfus can be reached at: (310) 208-5700.