Please remember, this column is designed to help the consumer seeking behavioral-health information, and not intended to be any form of psychotherapy or a replacement for professional, individualized services. Opinions expressed in the column are those of the columnist and do not represent the position of other SelfhelpMagazine.com staff.

Question

Can I find love if I failed at two marriages. I tried so hard to make the relationship work, but I feel worn and beaten. What can I do?

Answer

I can understand your feelings. Trying hard is good. The question to answer is, "Were the two of you trying?" Were you the only one trying? If the answer is yes, then, you can ask yourself the question, "Why did I accept this role and do it twice"? Theory says we keep repeating the same mistake in an attempt to heal it, fix it, or forget it. But repeating the mistake, only gets you worn out.

This feeling of being worn can be transformed into a time to reflect. Ask yourself, "Where did this pattern begin?" More than likely, it began in your childhood with patterns that were created with interactions with your parents. If you can identify this pattern, it is important to recognize it, feel it and work on not repeating it. When familiar situations come up where you have to try too hard, ask yourself, "What am I repeating"?

If you can't stop yourself, it would be helpful to consult with a family psychologist. Also read the article, Co-Dependency or Kindness? by Marlene Maheu, Ph.D.

3/5/98

Dr. Patricia Pitta is a clinical psychologist practicing in Manhasset, New York, for more than 20 years. She is a Diplomat in Family Psychology of the American Psychological Association and an Approved Supervisor of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy. Dr. Pitta is also the President of the Long Island Association of Marriage and Family Therapy.

She has created a treatment modality that enables the partners to accept responsibility for their parts in relationship problems leading to resolution of issues without getting stuck in blame. She encourages self growth which enhances couple growth and family development.