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Question

I am a 20 year old woman who has fallen in love with a 33 year old married man. I did not find out he was married until after I fell for him. He says he is not ready to leave his wife. I know I should leave, but I am in love with him. What should I do?

Answer

There are three parts to this scenario: Should a young woman get involved with an older man? Should one get involved with a married man? And what does one do when your head tells you one thing and your heart tells you another?

There is nothing "wrong" with a "May - December" relationship, per se. However, it depends on the developmental stage of the participants. For example, when a 60 year old woman gets together with a 73 old man the 13 year discrepancy is not as the same as when a 20 year old gets together with a 33 year old. The age discrepancy plays a role when at different stages of life. A 20 year old is barely out of her teenage years. A 33 year old has been around the block. Will there be an inequitable distribution of power, as in Professor Higgins teaching Liza Doolittle? What about the situation between a 40 year old woman who wants children and the man is in his 60s and feels too old to run after a toddler? How about a the person who grows up in the 50s and the partner grew up during the 70s? Will the generational differences become a barrier to intimacy?

The issue of becoming involved with a married person is fraught with difficulties. First off, the fact that a married person would have an extra-marital affair tells you something about his/her character. At best, it suggests a person who does not take the marital commitment seriously. When we add the fact the he did not disclose this information at the onset, it strongly suggests deception as a character trait. Between the two traits, betrayal and deception, we have a picture that does not bode well for intimate relationships. And when you believe that he will be different with you, you are probably engaging in self-deception. You are getting involved with someone of whom you will always be suspicious. Intimate relationships are difficult enough. We do not have to add to the difficulty by staying involved with someone who has already displayed less than admirable character traits.

The last issue is more difficult. You are in love. Even, if as you yourself suggested, you know that you should leave him, you are afraid of the pain involved. You're caught between a rock and a hard place. Emotionally you are attached and do not want to end the relationship; intellectually you know that you should show him the door. If you stay, your self-esteem will suffer. If you stay, you will be in chronic pain. However, it is easier to mend a broken heart than it is to rebuild self-esteem. The pain of separation, though acute, will pass; while the pain of remaining will probably only get worse. The choice is yours.

3/5/98

Dr. Edward A. Dreyfus is a Clinical Psychologist, Marriage, Family, Child Therapist, and Sex Therapist. Dr. Dreyfus has been providing psychological services in the Los Angeles-Santa Monica area for over 30 years. He offers individual psychotherapy to adolescents and adults, divorce mediation, couples counseling, group therapy, and career and vocational counseling and assessment.His book, Someone Right For You, is available in the Amazing Bookstore Catalog.

Dr. Dreyfus can be reached at: (310) 208-5700.