Please remember, this column is designed to help the consumer seeking behavioral-health information, and not intended to be any form of psychotherapy or a replacement for professional, individualized services. Opinions expressed in the column are those of the columnist and do not represent the position of other SelfhelpMagazine.com staff.

Question

How can you tell whether you are involved in a relationship that is right for you? Many years ago I had some information on this issue in the form of a checklist that I misplaced. Perhaps for some people just being in a relationship is so important that they put up with a lot of behavior that gives them grief. Perhaps you can offer some information that would help people look at relationships more realistically so that they can avoid unnecessary heartache.

Answer

It is true that many people are desperate to be in a relationship. Similar to the hungry person who eats almost anything in order to stop the hunger pangs, these people choose to remain with inappropriate mates in order to stop the pangs of loneliness. Once the pangs subside, they find that the relationship is not meeting many of their other needs; hence, they feel dissatisfied.

Choosing an appropriate mate requires that one not act out of desperation. It requires a fair degree of self-knowledge. One needs to understand one's own strengths and weakness, needs, interests, and attributes in order to assess the appropriateness of a match for oneself. The myth that there is only one perfect mate for each of has to be dispelled. And one must develop a plan for increasing the probability of finding these appropriate people. It is true that some people find the love of their life by chance, just as some people do win the lottery. However, just as I wouldn't want to base my financial security on whether I win the lottery, I don't think we should rely upon chance to find a mate.

I believe that we should put as much time and energy into developing a strategy for finding an appropriate mate as we would put into developing a blue print for building our dream house, planning for a round the world trip, or find a partner for our business. Once we develop a plan based on a realistic assessment of ourselves as well of the type of mate we are seeking, we then have to follow that plan. I believe that poor planning and poor choices account for the 50% divorce rate in this country. People try to rely upon the methods for find a mate that may have been appropriate 100 or more years ago when times were simpler and people less sophisticated in terms of what they wanted in a mate. As we approach the 21st Century it becomes necessary to develop new, more sophisticated measures for finding appropriate mates.

My book, Someone Right for You, available at the Amazing Bookstore at this site, develops a step-by-step strategy for finding an appropriate mate.

3/5/98