Please remember, this column is designed to help the consumer seeking behavioral-health information, and not intended to be any form of psychotherapy or a replacement for professional, individualized services. Opinions expressed in the column are those of the columnist and do not represent the position of other SelfhelpMagazine.com staff.

Question

I have always has a problem with jealousy in my relationships and not trusting the person whom I am with. I feel threatened when they look at another guy and when they talk, laugh and joke around with them. I feel like they are interested in that person and accuse them of it. I really want to overcome this; I realize that it is a big problem. I do not want to go to counseling and would rather do it on my own with a book or other self-help method.

Answer

You have correctly identified part of the source of jealousy, Namely, feeling threatened. The question is, "threatened by what?" Often underlying the threat is a profound sense of insecurity. Insecurity about one's masculinity, one's attractiveness, about being abandoned, about not being good enough, and so on.

Many men present themselves to the world as full of self-confidence. That self-confidence, however is often a veneer. The underlying insecurity raises the level of vigilance to real or imagined threat. You are always on the alert and feel the need to protect yourself. Your method of protection is to be angry with the person who is stimulating your insecurity. Rather than focus on your feelings of insecurity, you blame the other person and go into attack mode against the threat. Blaming your lover for your insecurity is similar to blaming the cat for your allergy. To your credit, you at least recognize that this is your problem, not your girlfriend's problem. However, you state that you would rather take care of the problem without professional help. Another example of the male bravado; men are often afraid to admit they need help. They often have difficulty even asking directions when driving.

Your resistance to seeking help leaves me wondering about your commitment to change. Since psychotherapy is primarily a relationship between two people, where one person has to admit to having difficulty with their life, your resistance speaks to the very issue with which you are having difficulty. Namely, becoming involved in a relationship where you have to be vulnerable, where you cannot control the relationship, and where you have to develop trust in another person. While there are many books dealing with the problem of jealousy (see the SelfhelpMagazine.com Resources Department), few of them will take the place of the type of work that is frequently needed to deal with jealousy and the insecurity that underlies it. They are best used as an adjunct to psychotherapy. Unless you want to lose yet another relationship, I suggest that you seek professional help . . . and soon.

3/5/98

Dr. Edward A. Dreyfus is a Clinical Psychologist, Marriage, Family, Child Therapist, and Sex Therapist. Dr. Dreyfus has been providing psychological services in the Los Angeles-Santa Monica area for over 30 years. He offers individual psychotherapy to adolescents and adults, divorce mediation, couples counseling, group therapy, and career and vocational counseling and assessment.His book, Someone Right For You, is available in the Amazing Bookstore Catalog.

Dr. Dreyfus can be reached at: (310) 208-5700.