Please remember, this column is designed to help the consumer seeking behavioral-health information, and not intended to be any form of psychotherapy or a replacement for professional, individualized services. Opinions expressed in the column are those of the columnist and do not represent the position of other SelfhelpMagazine.com staff.

Question

I am in the process of letting go of a relationship with someone who lost his mother several months ago. I lost my father when I was 7 years old and have never had a successful love relationship. I seem to pick men who need nurturing. Am I trying to heal myself by choosing partners in need of nurturing?

Answer

This question poses some interesting issues, the main issue being can a major loss early in life lead to repetitious behavior patterns which indirectly speak to the original loss. It is true that we are often influenced by the events of our childhood, especially if there has not been an opportunity to sort out the meanings and emotions associated with these events.

The loss of your father at a young age may have led to an expectation of future losses in relationships. His death may have left unresolved feelings of abandonment and anger, as well as insecurity in respect to men. Underlying unresolved wishes to have saved your father from death may also exist.

It may be that the "rescuer" role you take on in relationships derives from this complex of emotions and issues, and that in rescuing your partners you seek to fix the loss you experienced. Your insight suggests that you are ready to rescue yourself, i.e. to take a look at these issues and other issues related to the loss of your father. Working with a psychotherapist will most likely help you to bring these issues into focus and shift some of your patterns in relationships.

01/14/99

Laura Slap-Shelton, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist with a private practice in Biddeford, Maine. She has a specialty in neuropsychology and has published in the field of psychology. In her work, she addresses the needs of individuals who are grieving and also focuses on helping widows in developing countries where tradition has denied them basic human rights. You can reach her by fax at: (207) 282-5895.