Please remember, this column is designed to help the consumer seeking behavioral-health information, and not intended to be any form of psychotherapy or a replacement for professional, individualized services. Opinions expressed in the column are those of the columnist and do not represent the position of other SelfhelpMagazine.com staff.

Question

How do you grieve when you still have to live with the illness that killed the ones you loved? My father and a close friend both died several years ago when I was in my teens, from an illness that I also have. In the time between their deaths I underwent significant medical treatment for this illness, and although I am leading a normal life now, I know that the illness could come back at any time. I still cannot accept that my father and friend are gone. 

Answer

This complex situation brings with it many conflicting feelings which would be difficult to sort out on one's own. Here I list some of the conflicts the situation might bring about. In order to explore which and to what extent these conflicts are effecting, you it would be helpful to seek individual counseling with a therapist or, if you are active in your religion, a trusted member of your religious institution.

First, while faced with the loss of these two important people in your life, you also were faced with your own mortality at an unusually young age. Accepting their death might bring you closer to your feelings about your own mortality. At the time of your medical treatment you may have needed to focus on life and to avoid experiencing deep grief in order to fully recover your own health.

Second, you may be experiencing what has been called 'survivor guilt' toward your loved ones, as they have died and you are living a full life at present. This common reaction to survival when loved ones have died of a shared condition or situation can make it difficult to fully release your sadness. Questions of "Why them and not me?" and feelings that the loved ones deserved life more than you can become major blocks to the acceptance of their death.

Third, you may be experiencing conflicted feelings toward your father if indeed, you inherited your condition from him. Exploring your feelings toward your father, how to make sense of your condition, its meaning for your life, and your feelings about life and death will help you to become less confused.

The fact that you are asking this question suggests that you are emotionally ready to begin to fully grieve the loss of your father and friend. Taking actions which will bring you into contact with your feelings about these two people can help you to experience your loss more directly and put you on the road to accepting their deaths. Some of these actions might be writing letters to them expressing your feelings, making a photo album with their pictures and your favorite memories of them, talking about them with family and friends, and revisiting their burial sites. Finding a bereavement support group in your area, or going to grief discussion groups on line will provide you with opportunities to share your thoughts, feelings and questions with others struggling with similar issues.

03/16/98

Laura Slap-Shelton, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist with a private practice in Biddeford, Maine. She has a specialty in neuropsychology and has published in the field of psychology. In her work, she addresses the needs of individuals who are grieving and also focuses on helping widows in developing countries where tradition has denied them basic human rights. You can reach her by fax at: (207) 282-5895.