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Question

We lost our teenage son a year and a half ago in a tragic automobile accident. We have an older son who just graduated high school, and we are seemingly getting "on" with our lives, but often, it just feels more like we are "running." We stay busy, on-the-go day and night. It's as if we are terrified that if we slow down for one minute, that cold, hard, and oh-so-familiar reality will set in. We know our son is gone. Our faith tells us that we will be reunited with him. We aren't without hope, but I need to know if this constant "running" in order to avoid feeling the pain of our loss is healthy or unhealthy for us?   

Answer

As is often the case, your question includes at least part of your answer. It is very normal to keep running in order to avoid difficult painful feelings, and people do this in all sorts of situations. Keeping busy and on the go is a protective mechanism that allows your family to avoid being overwhelmed by the emotions of grief. This way of coping may be most useful in the early phases of mourning. 

Many things need to be taken care of at the time of a family member's death, and in the first year there is a real need to keep the family functioning in as normal a manner as possible. Oftentimes, the fear of re-experiencing the initial shock and trauma of an untimely death can also lead to the development of protective mechanisms which may serve to allow functioning while diminishing emotional pain. 

What may have been useful early on in the grief process, however, may not be as useful at this time. Your question suggests that perhaps you are ready to slow down, and make some time to feel the painful sadness which you so aptly describe as the "cold, hard reality" of your son's real absence from your daily life. The process of acknowledging a child's death is a long and difficult one. Rather than worry about what is healthy and unhealthy, it is often useful to ask what it is that you feel would be most helpful to you at this time. 

You may want to discuss with your family members how they are currently experiencing their grief, and share your feelings and concerns with them. Your family may have several ideas about what would be helpful to the family as a whole, as well as to individual family members. 

Choosing an activity which helps you as a family to experience your grief without becoming overwhelmed may also be useful at this time. Some ideas include creating a memorial, writing about your son, or sharing your experience with others. These kind of activities often provide people with a greater sense of being grounded and centered. 

Attending a support group, or revisiting one that you may have attended closer to the time of your son's death can be another way of safely connecting with your grief, and making time to evaluate your current understanding of your life, and your family's recent tragedy. 

If you continue to feel that your family is not able to relax and slow the pace, or if other problems develop in your family which you feel may be a result of avoided grief, it is a good idea to seek the services of a family therapist or a counselor who can guide your family in sorting out their feelings and needs at this time. 

Best wishes, 

Laura Slap-Shelton, Psy.D. 

03/16/98

Laura Slap-Shelton, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist with a private practice in Biddeford, Maine. She has a specialty in neuropsychology and has published in the field of psychology. In her work, she addresses the needs of individuals who are grieving and also focuses on helping widows in developing countries where tradition has denied them basic human rights. You can reach her by fax at: (207) 282-5895.