Please remember, this column is designed to help the consumer seeking behavioral-health information, and not intended to be any form of psychotherapy or a replacement for professional, individualized services. Opinions expressed in the column are those of the columnist and do not represent the position of other SelfhelpMagazine.com staff.

Question

How do I get over the loss of my mother and my best friend? She was the only person in my life that I have ever trusted completely. I do not know how to live without her. Everyone is telling me to let her go, but I cannot. I realize I am selfish and know everyone is right, but I cannot help the way I feel. I want her back. I didn't do enough for her. I loved my mom more than myself. How can I live? 

Answer

Let's begin with first things first. Your feelings of extreme grief, regret, and anger, and your strong wish for your mother to be with you are normal. You are not selfish for feeling the way you feel. It is hard to lose a parent, and especially one who was also a "best friend." So, first of all, be kind to yourself. 

Now, because your grief is particularly intense, and because you are feeling at a loss for knowing how to go on with your life, I strongly recommend that you seek some counseling to help you through this difficult period. Establishing a good relationship with a therapist will not only provide you a safe place and a sympathetic ear, but also a relationship that can provide some of the support and trust that you have lost with the death of your mother. 

Next, I would recommend joining a support group. This will also help you to work through your grief with others who understand your feelings and experience. Working together to cope with grief is very powerful medicine.  

There are also resources on the internet for the bereaved. Some of these resources provide the opportunity to engage with other bereaved people on the "net." See the Loss and Bereavement Links section for some of these resources. 

Keeping a journal where you write about your feelings and about your mother can be very helpful. You may also want to make a scrap book about your mother with your favorite pictures and stories about her. You may want to try writing a letter to your mother. These activities often provide people with a sense of connection to their lost loved one and can be very meaningful and comforting. 

When you are ready, you may want to try to communicate your needs for support to your significant other and your friends. People often don't know what to do to help the bereaved and are sometimes afraid of the strong emotions the bereaved are experiencing. You may want to communicate the idea that sometimes you need to talk about your mother and your feelings and just be listened to. Explain that you aren't asking for advice, and thank your partner and close friend in advance, acknowledging that you understand it might be difficult for them to just listen. 

03/16/98

Laura Slap-Shelton, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist with a private practice in Biddeford, Maine. She has a specialty in neuropsychology and has published in the field of psychology. In her work, she addresses the needs of individuals who are grieving and also focuses on helping widows in developing countries where tradition has denied them basic human rights. You can reach her by fax at: (207) 282-5895.