Please remember, this column is designed to help the consumer seeking behavioral-health information, and not intended to be any form of psychotherapy or a replacement for professional, individualized services. Opinions expressed in the column are those of the columnist and do not represent the position of other SelfhelpMagazine.com staff.

Question

My boyfriend lost his mother several months ago and has been recently diagnosed as having depression. Is there a way that I can help him through this mourning period? 

Answer

Yes. While you cannot take away his pain, there are some things that you can do that may be helpful to your boyfriend as he grieves for his mother. The most important thing is to let him know that you understand that this is a difficult time for him and that you want to help him. Be available to talk with him about his mother. In talking to him it will be important not to say that you know how he feels, or make statements that may unintentionally make it difficult for him to express his grief.  

In a more active vein, you might want to discuss a plan for a memorial to his mother. He might want to read Tom Golden's article on men and grieving which suggests that for men the grief process is facilitated by activity.  

Group support can be very useful. There might be a group in your community in which he could participate. You may want to direct your boyfriend to this site where he can read about other people and their grief questions, and to SelfhelpMagazine.com Loss and Bereavement On-Line Links section. This section provides links to interactive grief groups on the net. However, please keep in mind that these groups are not a part of this ezine, and we ask that you judge for yourself whether they are appropriate for you or your boyfriend.  

Finally, have patience with this process. It can be difficult to be with someone who is depressed. Be sure to take care of your own emotional needs and avoid sharing in your boyfriend's depression. A book that you might find helpful is The Art of Condolence by Leonard Zunin and Hilary Stanton-Zunin. 

03/16/98

Laura Slap-Shelton, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist with a private practice in Biddeford, Maine. She has a specialty in neuropsychology and has published in the field of psychology. In her work, she addresses the needs of individuals who are grieving and also focuses on helping widows in developing countries where tradition has denied them basic human rights. You can reach her by fax at: (207) 282-5895.