Please remember, this column is designed to help the consumer seeking behavioral-health information, and not intended to be any form of psychotherapy or a replacement for professional, individualized services. Opinions expressed in the column are those of the columnist and do not represent the position of other SelfhelpMagazine.com staff.

Question

I am having some difficulties with bereavement, and cannot afford professional treatment.  My parents died in recent years, and the death of my mother, particularly, stirred long standing family rifts. Perhaps the ugliest moment came when my uncle refused to help carry her casket due to his disapproval of my spouse. Later my spouses' mother lost both of her elderly parents. At this point I have a conflict with my spouse who has little regard for my family due to their inability to honor my grief, and yet, himself, minimizes my grief in comparison to that of his mother.  Any ideas?

Answer

Your interesting question deserves attention. It is difficult to honor one's own grief when family members are unsupportive, and even hostile. The bereavement process can also become complicated by strong emotions stemming from the events surrounding the loss of loved ones. Nevertheless, you and only you can take care of your own grief. As you are lacking in support for this in your immediate family at this time, it may be helpful for you to think about doing one or all of the following ideas:

1. Find a free grief support group in your community. These are often offered by churches and hospitals.

2. On the internet you may want to correspond with a grief news group. This group offers friendly help and support to each other via the internet. It is quite supportive and friendly.

3. Consider keeping a grief journal in which you write your feelings about the loss of your parents, about grief, and in which you may want to keep poems and articles you find about grief.

4. Find a friend with whom you can talk about your grief.

5. Find a ritual or activity that will help you release your feelings and honor the ones you have lost. This may involve creating a special album or a special monument or dedicating a bench at a favorite park.

6. You may want to look for books in your local book store in the psychology and/or grief section. You may also wish to visit other grief/bereavement sites on the internet. Please see our resources list.

7. If it feels appropriate in your circumstances you may want to create time to talk with your spouse about your need for greater support for your own bereavement process.

I wish you the best as you honor your grief and the memories of those you have lost. 

Sincerely, 

Dr. Slap-Shelton 

03/16/98  

Laura Slap-Shelton, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist with a private practice in Biddeford, Maine. She has a specialty in neuropsychology and has published in the field of psychology. In her work, she addresses the needs of individuals who are grieving and also focuses on helping widows in developing countries where tradition has denied them basic human rights. You can reach her by fax at: (207) 282-5895.