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Question

My father died when I was a teenager. Whenever I cried or talked about missing my father, my mother told me to "Shut up!" She would say that she did not want to hear all that again. I have discovered recently, that since my father's death, regardless of what upsetting event has happened, (death, loss, or something else) I skip right over the grief process to some form of acceptance, even though I know the grief is still there.  I am currently working with a therapist to resolve this problem.  Any information you could give would be a help. And to know I may not be alone, and someone else has come through it, would probably be the best help. Thanks.

Answer

Rest assured that you are not alone. For many different reasons people choose or are forced to avoid grief. The interesting thing is that grief is patient, and it will wait until the time is ripe for it's release.

By contacting people through the grief News group site, visiting other grief sites, or finding a local grief group you may find some individuals in your situation. However, talking to anyone who is actively grieving, whether in a timely or delayed fashion, may be useful to you for several reasons. First, you will have the comfort of knowing that you are not alone with these difficult emotions. Second, you will have someone to talk to who understands what grief feels like, and is able to talk about it. Third, you will meet people with varying experiences of grief which may help you to better identify and release your own feelings.

You are wise to work on this issue with a therapist, as being able to mourn is an important psychological capacity. As you point out, there are many daily and life, small and large, experiences other than death, which are deserving of appropriate periods of mourning--for example, the loss of a favorite object, a move, a change at work. In order to make room for new experience it is necessary to find a place for the old, and to do this one must be able to grieve. It is only after the sad, but cleansing experience of mourning, that acceptance will have a lasting meaning.

A book that you might find helpful in terms of the loss of your parent is, No Voice is Ever Wholly Lost by Louise J. Kaplan.

Best wishes,

Dr. Slap-Shelton

03/16/98 

Laura Slap-Shelton, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist with a private practice in Biddeford, Maine. She has a specialty in neuropsychology and has published in the field of psychology. In her work, she addresses the needs of individuals who are grieving and also focuses on helping widows in developing countries where tradition has denied them basic human rights. You can reach her by fax at: (207) 282-5895.