Please remember, this column is designed to help the consumer seeking behavioral-health information, and not intended to be any form of psychotherapy or a replacement for professional, individualized services. Opinions expressed in the column are those of the columnist and do not represent the position of other SelfhelpMagazine.com staff.

Question

I have a friend who lost her husband two years ago and still hasn't gotten over it.  She doesn't seem to be getting on with her life. She's 45 years old, has two great kids, friends, and even a job she likes. None of these seem to be enough. She still talks about her husband all the time, and says she isn't interested in meeting anyone new. I don't know how to tell her she has to move forward. 

Answer

In our culture we don't allow people enough time to be with their emotions. It used to be a rule of thumb that by the end of two years the mourning period should be over. It's now recognized that while the acute stages of mourning may have run their course over the first year to two years, the bereavement process often takes many more years.

It is natural to want your friend to be happy again, but you cannot be the arbiter of your friend's happiness. What looks like forward movement to you, may look entirely different from her perspective. If your friend is working, taking care of her children, and participating in a social life she is doing a lot already. When she is ready to try dating again she will.

In the meantime, you can be supportive by listening and not being judgmental. Empathic listening is one of the best gifts we can offer our friends. If you truly feel that she is excessively focussed on her husband, you can offer your concerns without giving unwanted advice. But before doing this, please ask yourself what is so important to you about having your friend dating and/or in a new relationship. Sometimes a drastic alteration in a close friend's social status can feel threatening and bring up personal concerns that have been successfully ignored until this point.

You may also want to see if there are any practical ways in which you can help her. By the end of two years many of your friend's sources of support and help that were initially available are likely to have vanished.

03/13/98 

Laura Slap-Shelton, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist with a private practice in Biddeford, Maine. She has a specialty in neuropsychology and has published in the field of psychology. In her work, she addresses the needs of individuals who are grieving and also focuses on helping widows in developing countries where tradition has denied them basic human rights. You can reach her by fax at: (207) 282-5895.