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Question

My father died recently, and I am unsure how to help my son cope with his death.  My son is three years old, and had a close relationship with his grandfather, whom he saw almost every other weekend. I brought my son to the funeral and tried to explain what was happening, but I don't think he understood very much.  Sometimes he will ask when will grandpa come visit again. A lot of my friends and relatives criticized me for bringing him to the funeral. I wonder if I did the right thing, and what else I should do.

Answer

The loss of his beloved grandfather is a natural and meaningful part of your child's life. By having him come to the funeral with the rest of the family, you allowed him to share in an important family event, and to recognize the fact of his grandfather's death. When a family is able to share their sadness at the loss of a loved one, they also strengthen their emotional bonds.

Preschool children have difficulty in understanding the meaning of forever, and it is not unusual that your son should sometimes wonder when he will see his grandfather again.  When he does it will be important to explain that his grandfather is dead and cannot come back and visit anymore. Children are helped by the use of simple truthful explanations of death, and nature can provide some gentle but tangible lessons in this area. When you are ready you may want to read your son a book.

Someone Special Died by Joan Singleton Prestine may be a good choice for your son, as it discusses the feelings that young children have when someone they are close to dies. When selecting any book for your child on this subject read it through first to make sure it offers a message with which you are comfortable.

Many children, when confronted with the fact of death, become afraid that they may loose their parents. They will often ask a parent if the parent is old like grandfather was. In this case, always reassure your child that you and the child's father are not old like grandfather, and that you will plan to live for a very long time. Talking about what has happened and giving your son opportunities to express his feelings in play or drawing, for example, can be very productive ways of helping him cope with his feelings.

Sometimes children do have difficulty in accepting the death of a loved one. This is not because they were told of it, but rather because they are experiencing complex emotions which they need help in handling. If you find that your son is behaving differently than usual, if he becomes more disruptive, appears to deny the loss, or develops psychosomatic complaints, it will be appropriate to seek professional help.

It is not surprising that you have received some negative feedback for your choice to bring your son to his grandfather's funeral. Many adults in our society have not resolved their own feelings about death, and are very threatened themselves by the experience of loss. This leads them to assume that children would be even more unprepared to cope with this difficult, but natural part of life. It is important for you to feel comfortable with your choice in this matter.

You may want to gently let others know that you considered many of their objections in making your decision, but that in the end, you felt that it would be important for your son to be part of this major family event.

Their are also good books for parents of grieving children. I would recommend as one of them, The Grieving Child, A Parent's Guide by Helen Fitzgerald.

References:

    Fitzgerald, Helen.
    The Grieving Child, A Parent's Guide.
    Simon and Schuster,
    New York, N.Y. 1992.

    Prestine, Joan Singleton.
    Someone Special Died.
    Price/Stern/Sloan.
    Los Angeles, Ca. 1987.

03/16/98

Laura Slap-Shelton, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist with a private practice in Biddeford, Maine. She has a specialty in neuropsychology and has published in the field of psychology. In her work, she addresses the needs of individuals who are grieving and also focuses on helping widows in developing countries where tradition has denied them basic human rights. You can reach her by fax at: (207) 282-5895.