Please remember, this column is designed to help the consumer seeking behavioral-health information, and not intended to be any form of psychotherapy or a replacement for professional, individualized services. Opinions expressed in the column are those of the columnist and do not represent the position of other SelfhelpMagazine.com staff.

Question

I am involved in a long-distance relationship. I find myself at times thinking about cheating. Is this normal? How should I look on actually cheating?

Answer

Maintaining a long-distance relationship is a difficult task. There is loneliness, self-doubt, even fear ("Can I trust him/her to remain faithful?") Having thoughts about another relationship is certainly a normal response to the loneliness.

Having sexual feelings toward someone else is also certainly normal. Acting on those thoughts and feelings is a different matter. Cheating undermines any relationship. Not only is there guilt to contend with, but there is the uncomfortable task of dealing with deception. Maintaining a deception can sometimes be a formidable task in itself.

You and your significant other need to have an honest discussion about this relationship. What can be done to maintain the relationship? How do you each feel about the other person possibly seeing someone else? Yes, honesty is always risky but for the long term it beats getting into a quagmire of guilt and deception.

02/15/99