Please remember, this column is designed to help the consumer seeking behavioral-health information, and not intended to be any form of psychotherapy or a replacement for professional, individualized services. Opinions expressed in the column are those of the columnist and do not represent the position of other SelfhelpMagazine.com staff.

Question

I am in a relationship in which he calls me names and silences me when we are arguing. Is this abuse?

Answer

It is indeed! Name-calling has no place in effective fair fighting. In addition, problems are never solved in a relationship without healthy give-and-take.

I would hope that your significant person might be willing to examine these issues with you within the context of counselling. A therapist might be able to help you both learn and practice some rules of fair fighting. This notion was first developed by George Bach in the book The Intimate Enemy. Couples who manage to deal with conflict effectively usually operate from a set of rules such as "No name-calling," "No violence," and "No dredging up ancient history."

Remember that the goal of a fight is not to win or be right but to negotiate a mutually acceptable solution.

12/07/98

Richard B. Patterson is a clinical psychologist in private practice in El Paso, TX. He is the author of three books on psychology and spirituality.