Please remember, this column is designed to help the consumer seeking behavioral-health information, and not intended to be any form of psychotherapy or a replacement for professional, individualized services. Opinions expressed in the column are those of the columnist and do not represent the position of other SelfhelpMagazine.com staff.

Question

What can you tell me about self-inflicted mental abuse where a person takes on other people's pain, perhaps as a way of making up for a real feeling of self-judgment?

Answer

Some people have a low opinion of themselves and engage in a constant inner dialogue of judgment, even condemnation. It becomes important to pay enough attention to that voice so that you can identify where it comes from. Often it is a collection of negative voices experienced while we were growing up. Perhaps it consists of criticisms leveled by parents or teachers. For others, it may consist even of judgments passed on you within the context of religion. These inner voices need to be confronted with the help of such techniques as cognitive therapy and the use of affirmations.

When people try to counteract these negative inner judgments by way of "good works," imbalance can occur whereby the person trying to help becomes overwhelmed by or controlled by other people's pain yet can't seem to stand back or detach in a healthy manner. This condition is known as "codependency." You might want to take a look at another section of our magazine specific to that topic. You can find more information on codependency here.

In any case, confronting alone a lifetime of judgments is extremely difficult. Consider touching base with a therapist familiar with cognitive therapy and/or the concept of codependency. And consider that perhaps you deserve some of the compassion which I suspect you give away readily to others!

05/06/98

Richard B. Patterson is a clinical psychologist in private practice in El Paso, TX. He is the author of three books on psychology and spirituality.