Please remember, this column is designed to help the consumer seeking behavioral-health information, and not intended to be any form of psychotherapy or a replacement for professional, individualized services. Opinions expressed in the column are those of the columnist and do not represent the position of other SelfhelpMagazine.com staff.

Question

I am in a relationship in which religion is a problem. The religion to which my fiance belongs will reject her from their fellowship if she marries me. They will do this because I am of a different religion.

Answer

This is a sad and painful situation, one which to some extent reflects the "dark side" of religion. When religions become swept up with "us vs. them" thinking, problems are inevitable.

Your fiance's choice is a difficult one. It is easy to say that religion shouldn't matter; however, for many people, their religion is an integral part of their identity, a piece of who they are. To give that up is not at all easy. Therefore, one thing that I would suggest is that your fiance sit down with a spiritually-oriented counselor who is not affiliated with her religion and try to weigh the decision. If he/she leaves the fellowship, he/she needs to be as certain as possible that this will be done with minimal resentment toward you.

If your fiance chooses to leave the fellowship, keep in mind that this will nonetheless be a loss that will need to be grieved. Try to be supportive and don't take any expressions of loss to mean that your fiance is upset with you.

Perhaps your fiance can find comfort in the words of Gandhi: "Religions are different roads converging to the same point. What does it matter that we take different roads so long as we reach the same goal?"

03/14/98

Richard B. Patterson is a clinical psychologist in private practice in El Paso, TX. He is the author of three books on psychology and spirituality.