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Question

I want to convey to my children a healthy attitude about sexuality, one that can help be responsible but without many of the guilt feelings I grew up with. Any suggestions?

Answer

Because many religions emphasized spirit at the expense of body, many of us grew up with negative messages about sex and sexuality. One place to start is with yourself. Have you freed yourself from those "old tapes " about sex?

Second, give some thought and discuss with your spouse or significant person the set of values you wish to communicate to your children as far as sex and sexuality is concerned. Again, many of us grew up only with a set of injunctions regrading sex.

Perhaps you might want to emphasize the playful loving aspects of sex and talk more about responsible loving. You might also want to give some thought to messages you will want to communicate to your pre- and early teenage children regarding masturbation. Many of us grew up with the idea that this very common behavior was a sin worse than murder. While being respectful of your own moral views, you might want to help your children place this behavior in a more reasonable perspective.

You may want to help your children maintain their natural sensuality. Many alarmed parents forget that their child likes to run around naked only because it feels good. While running around naked may not always be an option, we nonetheless may want to introduce the issue of social mores gently so that the child will not completely lose the capacity to be sensual, to enjoy sensation, and to be in touch with their bodies. Our senses, after all, are the vehicle by which we contact the rest of God's creation.

Finally, while having sex in front of one's children may not necessarily be a good idea, being affectionate with one another is. Further, there is no point to pretending that you are not sexual beings. Children eventually figure out what the noise coming from their parents' bedroom is about, especially when the door is locked. If at some level your children are aware that you enjoy a healthy sex life, this, too, is a positive message.

03/14/98

Richard B. Patterson is a clinical psychologist in private practice in El Paso, TX. He is the author of three books on psychology and spirituality.