Please remember, this column is designed to help the consumer seeking behavioral-health information, and not intended to be any form of psychotherapy or a replacement for professional, individualized services. Opinions expressed in the column are those of the columnist and do not represent the position of other SelfhelpMagazine.com staff.

Question

Any advice on staying healthy spiritually during the holiday season?

Answer

The Christmas season tends to be a time of high stress for many, primarily, I believe, because of expectations we lay on ourselves and one another. "What will my child feel if I can't/don't get him/her the latest Barbie, GI Joe?" "I really can't afford all this stuff but...." We can get our own self-worth too tied up in the quality and amount of gifts we buy.

For others, this holiday season may be a time of sad memories. It may bring back memories of Christmases past being ruined by an alcoholic parent, for example. During this time of year, our culture tends to perpetuate a myth of family that few of us can live up to. The difference between our own family and that numerous families of fiction and TV, for instance, can be distressing.

For still others, this holiday season intensifies the experience of loss, particularly for loss experienced in the previous year. As we gather around the table, we become more aware of which chairs are empty.

Too often, we lose sight of a spiritual focus during this time of year, forgetting that Christmas and Hanukkah are first and foremost spiritual events. What can help refocus us?

1. We can borrow a lesson from religions and establish meaningful traditions. Such traditions may or may not be specifically spiritual in nature. Their anticipation, however, gives us a sense of continuity and connectedness.

2. We can view the holiday season as an opportunity to create memories. When I reflect on the Christmases of my youth, I recall very little as far as specific gifts received. But I remember much in terms of spiritual experiences and experiences of connectedness. The image of a snow-covered, untouched field after Midnight Mass spoke to me of the mystical. My elderly Aunt Margaret's stories over Christmas dinner spoke of the continuity of generations. The memory of the flavor of mincemeat pie is forever connected with my Aunt Dorothy, baker of extraordinary pies.

3. Give of yourself. Write a poem and make it a gift to a loved one. Everyone, after all, has a poet living inside.

4. Practice the spiritual virtue of simplicity which espouses quality over quantity. Try to get through the holiday without incurring debt.

5. Take time for spiritual reflection. Think about what your particular holidays represent and what they mean at a spiritual level to you. If you're hard-pressed to answer, you have some work cut out for you.

6. If you have suffered a loss during the past year, it may help to do something different to establish a sense of a new phase of the journey. At the same time, it is also helpful to in some way acknowledge the loss and allow the grief.

Years ago, I worked Christmases as a mailman. I discovered quickly how unpleasant people can be since the mail typically would run late. So it was that, as I stood in an apartment entryway filing mail into various boxes, I noticed with apprehension an old man trying to say something to me. A complaint, I was certain. I couldn't hear him and said with some annoyance "I beg your pardon?" He then placed a microphone-type device at his throat and his electronic, cancer- scarred voice said to me. "Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year." To this day, I am grateful that this teacher crossed my path to show me what the season really means.

03/14/98

Richard B. Patterson is a clinical psychologist in private practice in El Paso, TX. He is the author of three books on psychology and spirituality.