Please remember, this column is designed to help the consumer seeking behavioral-health information, and not intended to be any form of psychotherapy or a replacement for professional, individualized services. Opinions expressed in the column are those of the columnist and do not represent the position of other SelfhelpMagazine.com staff.

Question

I'm a gay man and have been out for several years. I like being gay and being a man, but I have trouble reaching orgasm, both with other men and in my fantasies. Also, I am not overly interested in anal intercourse. I have fantasies that worry me. I'm afraid holding on to them keeps me from enjoying the real thing. What do you recommend?

Answer

I'm sorry to hear about your worries. Let's start out by talking about fantasies. Many people have fantasies that they do not act out, and there is nothing wrong with that. Having fantasies doesn't keep people from enjoying the real sex they do have.

Fantasies can be a problem, however, if you feel embarrassed about them. I hope you have, or can find, someone to talk with about them. If you have a partner, I hope both of you feel comfortable enough to talk about any fantasies you have.

You also mention you're not very interested in anal intercourse. Some gay men are very interested in it, and some are not. There is nothing inherently wrong with preferring some types of sexual activities to others.

If you think you might find it helpful to talk with a professional about these issues, I suggest you contact the nearest gay/lesbian/bisexual center for a referral.

3/14/98

Author and psychologist Gail S. Bernstein, Ph.D. has a psychotherapy practice in Denver, Colorado. Dr. Bernstein speaks and writes about gay, lesbian and bisexual people for both general and professional audiences, and is the author of the new audiotape, NOT HETEROSEXUAL: An Educational Program About Gay, Lesbian and Bisexual People.