Please remember, this column is designed to help the consumer seeking behavioral-health information, and not intended to be any form of psychotherapy or a replacement for professional, individualized services. Opinions expressed in the column are those of the columnist and do not represent the position of other SelfhelpMagazine.com staff.

Question

I've never been attracted to men sexually in the past. Now I'm so close to my best friend that I want physical/sexual intimacy as well as the emotional intimacy. Are men's friendships ruined when this happens? I'm afraid he doesn't feel the same way I do. I'm confused.

Answer

It's easy to see why you feel confused. Many people who are primarily heterosexual occasionally find themselves attracted to others of the same gender, and many lesbian and gay people occasionally find themselves attracted to others of the opposite gender. There are also people who identify as bisexual and are attracted to both men and women.

Your friendship may suffer if you tell your friend how you are feeling. However, it may improve. If you tell your friend you are feeling physically attracted to him and don't know whether he feels the same, the opportunity to talk about it may increase the emotional intimacy between you, regardless of whether you become physically intimate.

You may find some of the publications offered by P-FLAG (Parents, Families & Friends of Lesbians and Gays) helpful. You can reach them through our links page.

You show a lot of courage by being honest with yourself about your feelings.

3/14/98

Author and psychologist Gail S. Bernstein, Ph.D. has a psychotherapy practice in Denver, Colorado. Dr. Bernstein speaks and writes about gay, lesbian and bisexual people for both general and professional audiences, and is the author of the new audiotape, NOT HETEROSEXUAL: An Educational Program About Gay, Lesbian and Bisexual People.