Please remember, this column is designed to help the consumer seeking behavioral-health information, and not intended to be any form of psychotherapy or a replacement for professional, individualized services. Opinions expressed in the column are those of the columnist and do not represent the position of other SelfhelpMagazine.com staff.

Question

After several frustrating years I have decided that gay men, me included, don't know how to date. We meet someone interesting and then scare him off by moving too fast. We all seem to want that long-term relationship but don't know how to make it happen once it seems possible.

How does a person date in a healthy way? How do I date in a way that makes relationships possible? Are there any tips that you can provide the gay and lesbian community about how to make dating a comfortable experience? Thanks for giving me the chance to ask this question.

Answer

What a good question! I was glad to see you included women in your request for help, as the same question often comes up about lesbian relationships (and heterosexual ones).

First, popular culture, at least in the U.S., fosters what I call "Great American Myths." One of those myths is the notion that Prince (or Princess) Charming is going to carry you off to happily-ever-after-land. This myth fosters the misbegotten notion that one person will be able to meet all your needs. Remember, when looking for a long-term partner, that no one human being, no matter how wonderful, can possibly meet all your needs (and shouldn't have to try). Keeping this in mind helps foster realistic expectations.

My next recommendation is to consider the purpose of dating. If you're looking for a spouse, think about what's important to you in the long-term. It may be number of common interests, or amount of time spent together, or shared spiritual beliefs, or whether you want children, or all of the above or none of the above. You need to have some idea of what will make you want to keep coming home to the same person for the next five or twenty or fifty years.

You asked about pace, about not moving too fast. It takes time to get to know another person, and some of that can't be hurried, no matter how much time you spend together. Making a long-term emotional commitment to a partner is one of the biggest decisions a human being can make (deciding to become a parent is another). It's worth taking your time before making that commitment. If you invest the time in getting to know someone and then decide it's not a good enough fit for the long-term, so be it. That's better than deciding too fast and being miserable when it doesn't work. Two of the biggest barriers to taking enough time to get to know someone are (1) mistaking lust for love; and (2) feeling you must seize this opportunity for fear you'll never find another.

This leads me to my final point: I believe that is not possible to have a healthy relationship with someone else unless you have one with yourself. If you don't like yourself, or don't feel attractive (and I don't just mean physically), or can't stand to be alone with yourself, you may want to consider seeking help with changing how you feel about yourself. I guarantee that will make you more capable of relating well to others.

3/14/98

Author and psychologist Gail S. Bernstein, Ph.D. has a psychotherapy practice in Denver, Colorado. Dr. Bernstein speaks and writes about gay, lesbian and bisexual people for both general and professional audiences, and is the author of the new audiotape, NOT HETEROSEXUAL: An Educational Program About Gay, Lesbian and Bisexual People.