SelfhelpMagazine Support Community - Sex & Relationships

Slugger (no replies)

hswaim — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 00:01:38 -0800

Well, I have allowed myself to get into a little bit of a sticky situation. I have a guy friend that I have been hanging out with. He also is a bartender, and my friends and I go to his place of work on Wed. and Sat. to sing karaoke and hang out. When I met Mike it was right after Jeff's death and he and I just started out being friends, this was back in August. He had warned me that he sort of had a stalker named Sarah, and I just blew it off. The FIRST incounter with Sarah was bizarre, it was a Sunday I think and the bar was empty but Sarah, Mike (who was working), myself, and another friend. I was having a conversation with the other friend when I hear Sarah say..."I don't care, I don't like her and she is fat." I ignored the remarks and kept talking to my friend. After a few more words, Mike asked her to leave. In the three months since I have been in the same bar with Sarah numerous times and have just ignored her. However, she has been trash talking me all along, her favorite name for me is the Bitch. Last week while standing at the jukebox with my girlfriend, Sarah, who was at the table next to the jukebox began to run her mouth. After a few words a little scuffle ensued and Sarah ended up falling off her barstool onto the floor. Of course she was intoxicated, but while on the floor I hit her in the eye. I am not the type of person who does that type of thing, but I guess after three months, and a much longer story than what I am giving, I did sink to her level and hit her. NOBODY saw me hit her, it happened so fast and the position that we were in, nobody saw it. She called the cops. I left the bar. I was interviewed at another location and was not charged with battery. Sarah is now trying to get a restraining order on me. The judge decided that he wanted to hear my side of the story. I have not been served the papers yet. I never owned up to hitting Sarah at anytime, and have witnesses that she pushed me first, and was the one who instigated the argument. Sarah has 2 DUI convictions, possession of weed, possession of narcotic paraphanelia, and a battery charge against her. She has been barred from this certain bar previously for fighting, and is always intoxicated. I also have people who are willing to give statements about the derogatory statements she has made about me over the past couple of months also.

I have never been in trouble in my life and don't know what I should do in this type of situation. I guess maybe I just needed to talk about it too.

Thanks for listening!!!
Heather

What is going on with this? I am so confused and distraught. (2 replies)

silly4you — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 06:46:26 -0700

My BF of 7 months (have known each other since high school and went out a year as friends before we dated) has told me that something feels like it is missing between us. We have talked about it and he cannot answer what it is. He looks me straight in the eyes and tells me he loves me and it is not a sister/friend love, attraction is there, not bored, chemistry is there. He said he started feeling it when his granddad passed away a couple of weeks ago (he has also lost his dad and a brother early in life). He does have ALOT of stress in his life (has MS, making time with his daughter, a mom holds a house over his head, ex wife with a house still in his name, granddad passing away, complete shoulder replacement, turning 40).

He hasn't changed his actions (maybe backed off a little) but still calls & texts, tells me and my girls he loves us, makes plans for all of us (with his daughter too), kisses me when he first sees me and when he leaves, holds my hand at home when we are out and and in the truck, comes over almost every night or at least see each other 5-6 days a week, wants me to go places with him, calls me princess and sends me I Love You texts.

He says that it is just some things he has to work out with himself that it isn't anything with me. He said he wants to give this his 100% try and doesn't want to give up on us, doesn't want to lose me, go back to friends or call it quits.

On the other hand, I did a bad thing and looked at some of his email. He wrote a note to his mom asking for money to buy a boat , she is already holding the house over his head (free and clear house if you only take me time and no moving in or out for 5 years ). He went on to say that she didn't have to worry about him marrying me because that was what I wanted and that I wasn't the right person for him. It also said that I didn't understand his need for alone time with his daughter or when he is just to tired, ill or busy to come over and that I try to hard at times. He did tell her that I was awesome and would continue to see me until the new year and the see where we are. The emails to her were before we had our talks, we have had 2.

We have a Vegas trip in November and Disney in December. He even took me with him to help pick out the new boat that he is purchasing. We went to church together for the first time today. We do things as a family (his daughter and mine) and present ourselves that way (festivals, even my daughter's open house).

I am so confused and distraught I don't know what to do. Am I being played? His mom? What do I do? If he was planning on leaving me, why start going to church and continue to make plans? FYI, he already purchased a ring for me 2 months into our relationship (but never asked me), can his mind change that quickly?

BTW, I have been a widowed mom for almost 8 years and this is my first relationship since.

Is this guy for real ?? (4 replies)

xChRoNox — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 15:44:40 -0700

I keep hearing so much about this website which supposedly shows you step by step how to bag

tons of girls off of websites like myspace/facebook like it was nothing.

[www.Matchbook.Pcti-System.com]

I watched his videos on his site and I'm surprised at how many positive replies he gets from

all these really good looking females.

Have any of you guys here ever tried this program and know if it's the real deal or not?

Because I know alot of these types of things are usually scams or just a bunch of hype.

Lemme know.

My wife stop kissing me - I need an advice!! (1 reply)

wanderer — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 14:32:38 -0700

My wife stop freng kissing me four years ago. During that time our relationship has had its ups and downs, however our sex life has always been outstanding. However recently our relationship has gone on a down path and she is seriously considering separation. We struggle as we have two kids, and perhaps this is the only reason she hasn't left. Sometime she seems to be willing to work on the marriage however she always come back to the fact that she does not wan to kiss me anymore. She stop kissing me due to my oral hygene. I have corrected that issue however she no longer cares about the fact that my mouth is perfectly clean. She says that she cannot get rid of the thoughts that my my mouth was not clean at some point.

I am torn, half of me thinks we can work together and fix this issue. However my other half is not as optimistic.

I need a women opinion.

Thank you!

Re: leaving a broken relationship (-1 replies)

lizzie61 — Wed, 31 Dec 1969 16:00:00 -0800

Hi Sunny!

Oh where to start. Well, let me just say that I can relate to your dilemma on many levels. I'm sure that you do like your husband and of course you care about him and perhaps feel like your abandoning him in his time of need. But, you can be there for him as a friend? My second husband had dyslexia which caused him all sorts of learning and behavioral issues. It was difficult for me to divorce him given his 'disability' but I couldn't take another moment of our life together and feeling sorry for him wasn't enough reason to stay married. Living with him was a freaking nightmare. one step forward, ten steps back and every time we had any money he would find a way to lose it. We owned a business together and because of his lack of business skills, math skills and reading skills, I had to do everything for him and our business. I began to resent every single thing I did for him. So, we struck an agreement that we would divorce and I would still do his books and assist him if necessary. I also found him an accountant that I could trust to handle things and not take advantage of him. I suppose I did those things in an effort to relieve any fear I had for his welfare. But, keep in mind that my husband wasn't concerned about my welfare EVER.

What disease does your husband suffer from? Sarcoidosis?

It sounds to me Sunny like life is calling you to live up to your potential and you want to respond. Good for you and how brave of you to heed that calling. How else can we grow? I can certainly understand how you would outgrow this type of relationship. I think your husband understands this even if it does hurt. It's unfortunate that the timing of his illness coincides with your awakening to your own needs- including a different lifestyle. Such is life ( as curt and cold as that may sound).

There's no point in staying there if you're not happy because an unhappy person isn't of any benefit to anyone- especially someone who is ill and besides, you'll end up making yourself ill as well. Your husband is probably much more mentally capable than my husband was- which is a plus for you. He's a grown man and he's intelligent and if he chooses not to get disability, that's his choice and he knows that he must have money to pay bills. He doesn't want the same things you do for himself or for your relationship. That's his choice but it doesn't make you a selfish person.

In some respects I feel as though my post sounds harsh. I mean no disrespect to your husband. I'm just trying to say that there's no point in wasting time due to fear, guilt and uncertainty. Life experiences don't have to be all or nothing. Perhaps you can remain close friends with your husband even if you live apart. After all, the two of you have shared life for 20 years. Follow your bliss and all good things will come to you. This is the same advice I would give your husband. Yes, his life faces a difficult challenge - a different challenge than yours but it's not anymore or less important or difficult. Just different.

Very recently, in fact, just last week, a friend of mine sent me a beautiful book, ' Coming Home to Myself...Reflections for Nurturing a Woman's Body & Soul", by Marion woodman and Jill Mellick. I just went to pick up this book to find a passage to share with you and voila.the first page I opened..on page 188- chapter 20: Holding conflict Creatively. (Get this book from amazon.com. it's not expensive and it's worth reading. I read a passage each morning before I go to work. )

" Holding an inner or outer conflict quietly instead of attempting to resolve it quickly is a difficult idea to entertain. It is even more challenging to experience! However, as Carl Jung believed, if we held the tension between the two opposing forces, there would emerge a third way, which would unite and transcend the two. Indeed, he believed that this transcendent force was crucial to individuation. A woman might be torn between leaving her husband for a lover and staying with him out of loyalty and guilt. If she can be quiet long enough and step back from her conflict, she may find, to her surprise, that she now wants to stay with her husband because she feels a new kind of love for him, or she might find, again to her surprise, that what she really wants is to live alone. Or she may find new life in her lover.
Whatever the third way is, it usually comes as a surprise, because it has not penetrated our defenses until now. A hasty move to resolve tension can abort growth of the new. If we can hold conflict in psychic utero long enough, we can give birth to something new in ourselves."

" Both arms on the cross,
we dare not drop the tension.

If we reject one part,
we give up our past;
If we reject the other,
We give up our future.

Whether we like it or not,
we need to hold to our roots and build from there."

I have learned that it's best to be patient and not carry the ' all or nothing' attitude about our relationships and life experiences while pursuing our dreams. Don't make hasty decisions out of desperate need. Do what you need to do without any expectations of the outcome and simply enjoy all life's experiences. Perhaps your husband could view this transition in the same sort of way- relative to his own life. I think both of you desperately need to be recharged. In fact, I would bet his health would improve dramatically if he too could accept the possibility that good things come from change.

The truth is that neither of you know how your lives will change and so there is no need worrying about what will or could happen. You stand tall and then you take a step in a direction and then another and then another. Life begins to unfold before you. You can step back at any time or you can turn and go in a different direction. Your husband has the same choice you do in every moment to decide whether or not his life is working for him and then take the next step. But, you are not responsible for his life and he is not for yours. You are not responsible for his happiness and he not for yours. We must remember not to lose ourselves in any relationship and to maintain as individuals while complementing one another, not shadowing and enabling. As couples we are individuals who come together to create a different dimension to our lives. But, losing a partner doesn't mean that we lose ourselves or our ability to experience love and joy and success.

If only we were not creatures of habit, change would not be so frightening.

" Every night I dreamt that I was falling.
One night I landed.
Landed on strange terrain.
Frightened, paralyzed,
I felt around with my fingers,
and thought what I felt was sand.

It wasn't sand.
It was feathers,
and I was seated
on the wings of the Holy Spirit.

That dream changed my life."

Limbo (7 replies)

half_full — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 08:37:33 -0700

Hello everyone,
I've been feeling abit down lately. I have come here hoping to find some words of wisdom to help move me toward a brighter, more positive way of life. I recently found out that my boyfriend of 5yrs with whom I have been planning a future with, has cheated on me. We discussed it and he has told me that he believes that all of it stems from his issues. I have asked him what the issues are and he thinks he is cold because he was hurt badly by past girlfriends.
You see, in the beginning of our relationship, he was the one in control and I found myself compromising alot to please him. Slowly, he started to show me more love and respect but every once in awhile, he'd explode for the silliest things and we would fight so much so that the last break up lasted about 6months. We used to always break up and get back together a few days later.
I put myself through alot for him trying to understand him and figure out why we fight so much but im a push over. I gave in to him too easily so i jumped through hoops and we got back together. This time though, we became so close it was incredible. We were very much in love. Id feel it all the time with him and everything was perfect. Then things started going downhill. I duno why. He became distant and started drifting away from me. Im a very perceptive person so i picked up on it but he told me I was exaggerating. I used to try to get him to open up to me but he never did. I gave up trying to keep our relationship going. Anyway, he cheated on me and I found out so I confronted him and he accepted all blame. Not that I was blaming him but I wanted to know if there was something I did. He said I stopped showin him love and acted as though I didnt care which was true but only after I got fed up of giving and getting nothing back
Now, he says he feels detatched from me and everyone and everything. I believe that all his issues stems from the child moslestation he endured from his older brother but thats just my opinion. He never likes to talk about that and becomes extremely angry when I try to encourage him to get counselling stating that he tried in the past but it never worked. maybe the molestation is only part of it...I see him always pushing his issues aside, surpressing them and hoping that they will go away but ever so often, it rears its ugly head and our relationship pays the price.
Anyway...long abd short is....I want to be happy and I cant be happy with him unless he gets help which he doesnt seem to want so my question is..how do I get on this road to self improvment...I wana be happy and I know I am the one with the power to do so!
Guide me...anyone...plz....
Thank you for your time and patience.

old girl friend won't go away (1 reply)

princess_sunshine — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 11:35:16 -0700

I've been with my guy going on 2 years now. When we met, we were both obviously single, but he was "dateing" 2 different individuals. When we decided to become exclusive, he let me know he was going to break the news to these 2 people that he and I were together, planning on living together and break all ties with them. Aparently, 1 of them went a bit nuts and threatened to keep showing up on our door step, but he finally got her to go away. The other one simply won't go away. She text's him, e mails him, etc. He is very frustrated with it, and ignores or deletes her messages. She will go away for a few months after being ignored, but then starts up again. I am so sick of this I am about to scream! Obviously I am not in much of a position to say or do much as he is doing all the right things by ignoring her and/or telling her to stop. Do I just take a step back and dismiss her as a psycho?

emotional block (2 replies)

slint242 — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 06:27:57 -0700

hi everyone this is my first post and iam desperate.
For some reason i cant seem to show my love or give any support to those closest to me.
Briefly iam a 41 yearold male after an 11 year relationship my partner left taking our 8 year old daughter with her, naturally iam heart broken, ive cryed in front of no end of people as ive relived the shock of comming home to a home with no family when i begged for a reason why she left she told me i'd never shown her any love or emotional support. when we got together she suffered from depression we had a rocky start but i remained strong or so i thought. she went on to loose her young brother and later her mother to cancer, i was completely unable to give her any support but all she really had was me, i would just fold in on myself shuting out the truth completely unable to help her, what ever i did say was only taken as and i was told it was the wrong things to say. what else could i say? i said i was sorry but thats all that would come out i was too affraid of the situation i guess. Now my father has prostrate cancer, has done for two years or more i am no wiser as to his health or condition, i simply cant ask rather to just avoid the subject. Ive been told it upsets him the way iam but i cant get past this barrier inside of me. my ex says if i can change shell come back, but if i cant stay changed sell be gone like a shot, i dont want to loose my dad without telling him i love him and thanking him for being the best dad, and i want my own family back for good but i just dont know how to break down the wall in front of my heart. Any suggestions will be greatly recived, i have so much love to give i overflow with it, only with my daughter can i show it, i can tell her i love her infront of anyone its just so naturel, Why is this? why cant i just open up?

don't know how to deal with boyfriend's sexual inquiries (14 replies)

princess_sunshine — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 08:36:20 -0700

I have been with my boyfriend/fiance for 2 years. We have a very strong intimate close relationship and communication in the bed room has never been a problem. We have experimented with toys and I know he enjoys anal stimulation, however, the other day I came home for lunch and when going to pay a bill on line found a web page up where he had been communicating with a complete male stranger saying he felt he was bi-sexual, that no one knows and he was thinking he wanted to explore this. I was flored! He has never mentioned this to me. I don't know what to do! He does not handle confrontation at all and any way I approach him on this he will react as if I am attacking him. In the past couple days since he posted his message, he has been acting extremely depressed and is being very distant from me, which is not normal. In his message to the male, he mentioned wanting to be submissive to another man. I find this curious. As ofr us in the bed room, that is nothing new. Some times he is the agressor and some times he wants to be submissive to me, nothing wierd. I posted this on another web site and the opinions range from "mid life crisis" to "confront him directly" to "let him figure it out and let it go"....it will be okay. "if you continue to dwel on it, it will tear you up and put a wedge in your relationship". I have done nothing. I love this man with all my life. I am concerned for his mental well being these past few days. This goes beyond "experimenting" to me, because by now we have had the talk about fidelity and committment, so if he chooses to have sex with another man, to me it is the same as cheating with a woman. The other serious thing is that he has genitile herpes. I contracted it about a year ago. He is fully aware he can't just be with some one with out disclosing this.

Any words of advice greatly appreciated.

Relationship - I don't know what to do??? (2 replies)

wjblasco — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 10:53:43 -0700

I really need some advice. I have been dating a girl for 2 years that I am in love with and she is in love with me. The marriage discussion started about 8 months ago. I made me nervous and I told her that I think we have some communication issues to work on first. We worked on them and then back in December I told her that we would get engaged in 2 months. Well, 2 months went by and I couldn’t do it. I loved her by I had fears. She was very understanding. She said to figure things out and if I still wanted her after I figured things out, she would be waiting. I took 2 months and saw a counselor and figured my fear had nothing to do with her and I know I want to be with her. I went back to her to tell her I wanted to get married. She was reluctant at first but then started to open up. We started to spend alot of time together and started talking about having kids and buying a house. This lasted about a month and then it suddenly turned 180 degrees. She stopped call and spending time together. She said she was very angry at me and need to get over it on her own. This lasted about a month and then she just told me she doesn’t want to get married to me. I know I screwed up taking the time I needed but I am really hurting and thinking I made the biggest mistake of my life. What do I do to get her back?

Resentment of The Past , Any Advice?? (1 reply)

smokeeater2009 — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 13:33:56 -0700

Hello,
I'm new, I apoligize in advance if I goof up.

Here goes,
I was with my g/f for about a year and half and she broke off our relationship and after a few weeks after the break up
it appeared she is dating somone else. I haven't talked to her since our break up, its been little over a month now.
Intially I was a real wreck, almost found myself in a deep depression. Going through the different phases of grief and such.
I seeked counseling and attended several sessions. During this time I really did some soul searching into who I was and
what I wasn't. I learned alot, and their were definite flags that I didn't recongize. I feel like part of me has moved on from what
has happened, but I still feel a sense of resentment, which I can't seem to kick. I feel mad at her b/c I feel like I was used, or taken
advantage of, I'm also mad at myself, for letting myself get into that situation. I started dating again, I felt it would help me move
forward with my life and I find myself That I keep my walls up and the gilr I've been talking too knows that. I really want to move on,
just don't know what to do??

Any advice??

:Scontemplating love, please help! (2 replies)

tifi2007 — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 11:02:35 -0700

Please help me if you can...
I am in my 30's, divorced (3yrs), living on my own w/children=part time. I have been dating this man for over a year now, he's 43 w/child part time, also lives on his own, and has been divorced 9yrs now. He did not date much (only twice) before me, I had dated casually since my divorce, neither one of us had been involved in a serious relationship since our divorces, until now. We have been on and off again since we started this relationship for many various reasons, which all seemed to boil down to fear of commitment on both our parts.. We have been able to talk through all of our fall backs and find out where each problem lied in order to fix it each time. Our communication is great, because both of us have studied up on psychology and both desire to become counselors someday, when we both can finish college. It's tough to return back to school when there are small children involved and all.. Anyway, like I said, we have great communication skills, have mastered through some real hairy areas, and have grown a great bond between us. He treats me with respect, is very loyal and honest too. Also a great father. My love for him is strong, and I do look up to him in so many ways... but.....
Here's my question.. this wonderful man who I love, who treats me so good, and is so loving and caring, also has a drinking problem, and can't seem to hold a job.. He seems to find another job right away when he looses one, but the reason he looses them, isn't from drinking (he only drinks in the evening, and about 4 beers max, but every night) The reason he gets fired is because he's ADD (on med for it) but struggles with time management, not just for work, but in every area of his life. It has effected not only work, but his love life, family, ect..
I truly do love this man, and I am pretty independent. I'm in no hurry to get married, nor do I need a man to take care of me financially. I do feel a need of security though, more emotionally than anything else.. But it really bothers me, almost shamefully, everytime he looses another job.. then I once again start to question if he's right for me at all.. I do know how well he treats me overall, and just how much he respects me. Anytime I need him, he's right there.. I'm not a materialistic person, just need love and attention, which he gives to me all the time. so, why is it that this bothers me so much?? please help me! I don't want to through a wonderful man just because of these issues. I know he's the only one who can work on them, and he says he's trying. what can I do on my end? or is it all just a waist of time? please help!

A Study of How Parents Influence Our Adult Relationships! (no replies)

alex12345 — Mon, 25 May 2009 09:11:08 -0700

INVITATION TO PARTICIPATE IN A STUDY

Dear Friends and Colleagues,

Have you ever wondered why some people are more successful in finding satisfying relationships than others? Although many studies have focused on the impact of parenting styles on our adult intimate relationships, the exact connection remains unclear.

This study examines the most recent psychological surveys to evaluate this problem. We are seeking more specific information on the connection between an individual’s opinions of their parents and later adult relationships. In order to be eligible for the survey, you must have been raised in the U.S. in a two-parent household from birth until age 18.

Participation is voluntary and all participants are eligible for a lottery with a $50 prize.

In order to gain the most insight into these two topics, we would like to collect as much information as possible, so your participation is not only greatly appreciated but also valuable. Your participation in this study will take approximately 30 minutes of your time and is done entirely on-line by answering questionnaires. The questionnaires can be accessed by clicking on the link below:

[www.surveymonkey.com]

All information collected is anonymous and you will not be asked for identifying information at any time. You may choose to create an I.D. (3 letters and 2 numbers) in order to receive your personal results of the survey. The results are not intended to serve as a professional clinical diagnosis.

Your participation is greatly appreciated and I thank you for your time and the valuable information. Please forward this e-mail to anyone that may be interested in participating in this study.

Best regards,

a

Old Girlfriend (9 replies)

Joemcgrad — Wed, 20 May 2009 12:05:17 -0700

I think I am going nuts. After 45 years of marriage I find myself fantasizing over a girl I had a brief, non-sexual relationship with. She told me 45 years ago she was getting married and was moving to California. I took it well at the time and did not think of her much again. But now 45 years later I want to know where she is and what happened to her. I can think of little else. I don't remember her last name, just her first. I know where she lived at the time but a private eye wants $750 from me before he even starts. Why all of a sudden am I getting myself all wrought up over her? After all these years! I am still married to the person I married 45 years ago. Do I need psychiatric help???

Opinios of parents and adult relationships. (3 replies)

alex12345 — Thu, 21 May 2009 08:33:42 -0700

Dear Friends,

Have you ever wondered why some people are more successful in finding satisfying relationships than others? Although many studies have focused on the impact of parenting styles on our adult intimate relationships, the exact connection remains unclear.

This study examines the most recent psychological surveys to evaluate this problem. We are seeking more specific information on the connection between an individual’s opinions of their parents and later adult relationships. In order to be eligible for the survey, you must have been raised in the U.S. in a two-parent household from birth until age 18.

Participation is voluntary and all participants are eligible for a lottery with a $50 prize.

In order to gain the most insight into these two topics, we would like to collect as much information as possible, so your participation is not only greatly appreciated but also valuable. Your participation in this study will take approximately 30 minutes of your time and is done entirely on-line by answering questionnaires. The questionnaires can be accessed by clicking on the link below:

[www.surveymonkey.com]

All information collected is anonymous and you will not be asked for identifying information at any time. You may choose to create an I.D. (3 letters and 2 numbers) in order to receive your personal results of the survey. The results are not intended to serve as a professional clinical diagnosis.

Your participation is greatly appreciated and I thank you for your time and the valuable information. Please forward this e-mail to anyone that may be interested in participating in this study.

Best regards,
Alex

[www.surveymonkey.com]

My husband (14 replies)

Toto, We're not in Kansas anymore — Sat, 30 May 2009 08:42:06 -0700

My husband won't be intimate with me and this has been going on for a long time now. It was 5 years ago when we last had sex and then there was
a 2 year gap in there where we did not have sex before that. Seven years total we are going on.

The reason I am reaching out for help is because he is the one who will not be with me. I have tried everything, and I am attractive woman.

I am lost as what to do.

He has looked up ex girlfreinds in the past either on Face Book or other websites and I found an email to one of his other ex girlfriends.
This has really hurt me. Maybe it should not, but why is he doig this?
I have tried so hard to make him happy. I cook, work full time, clean, take care of the dog so he does not have to.
I make him dinner nightly and treat him so good. I have tried to pursue him but he will not allow me to even touch him intimately. I try to get
him to go with me for long walks, play games and fun things like that but he always refuses. He does not whoo me anymore at all.

I was at my moms house taking care of her for 2 weeks and I did not see him for that time- when I did come home he acted as though I ws not even
gone! He was mowing the yard and saw me when I walked out the back door to the back yard and he did not even stop mowing the grass to come
say hello to me, he just gave me a wave and kept his eyes down and mowing the entire eayf. I was home for an hour before he even came in to say hello and even then he talked about how dry the grass was and would not even look at me, say I looked nice, or even gave me a hug.

Also, I have found in the past that he looks at porn sites, which would be not that big of a deal if he would just have an initmate realationship with me!
Maye he woul dnot wnt to look at porn sites then.

I am confussed as what to do at this point in our life together. We don't have kids and have a simple life....so I feel.
But he just seems so unhappy and it breaks my heart to see him act so disinterested in me.
He does tell me daily that he loves me....but I need more and I have expressed this to him for many years.

I need to know why he won't be initmate with me, why does he look up ex girlfriends? I am in my late 30's and he is in his late 40's.

Do men go through a mid-life crisis? What can I do to draw him into me before I get up and pack my bags and leave forever.

-Please give me any advice

someone please reply to this with advise (3 replies)

egabino — Sun, 31 May 2009 12:39:43 -0700

i have been with my boyfriend for 3 and a half years and we have a son together. we do not live together though. he lives with his mom and i live with my parents. i love him so much but when we get into a fight he gets very emotionally abusive. we got in a fight today and he called me boring, naggy, dumba**, p***y, and a bad mom. the "bad mom" comment is the one that hurts the most. when we fight, he never wants to listen to anything i say. I never call him names and i never disrespect him the way that he does. sometimes he'll push me if and i'm scared that someday he might get a little too physical when we fight. his dad abused his mom pretty bad. we fight i just think "this is it. he can't disrepect me anymore." but then i just leave him for a while and we cool down and make up. i don't know what to do. we depend on eachother a lot and i don't know if ending the relationship is the right thing to do or i'm blowing things out of proportion. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i just need help from a neutral party.

Please, I need some replies to this!!!!!!!!!!! (6 replies)

shocked — Mon, 04 May 2009 23:41:52 -0700

Please give me advice. Recently, I have found an old girlfriend on facebook. Do you think it would be ok to make contact her? And how do you think she will react?

About 20 years ago, we had a difficult relationship - she suffered from irrational jealousy and insecurity - but it was an important time in my life and she was part of it. I ended the relationship when i found someone else and i have not had any contact with my former girlfriend since then. She was very hurt by the way it ended. I am still with the woman i left her for, and we have had three wonderful children and lived many adventures together.

In recent years i have had a midlife crisis and i find myself unable to be in the present. I am not enjoying my life, though i still love my family. Something is missing. I have a deep yearning for my past. In finding my former girlfriend, I want to know how her life has got on but i don't look to establish any relationship with her beyond friendship. Do you think i risk opening old wounds by contacting her? How do you think she will view my present family in particular my partner? Will she forgive me. Am I opening up a can of worms?

Any advice on how to proceed. I would really like to know about her life and tell her all about my life.

Men in straight relationships but have or want a man playmate on the side? (12 replies)

sending_love — Sun, 31 May 2009 12:43:50 -0700

I just found out my boyfriend of 2yrs goes to a website. He is registered and has a very personal profile. His profile says he has never been with a man but is bi-sexual and curious. I learned a lot about him that I didn't know. He said it was just online bullshit and he was not serious and would not cross that line. He had been talking to me about getting married before I found this out. We are seperated now and not sure if this relationship will survive.
I feel I can't trust him. I don't want to find out years down the line that he see's men on the side.
There was a guy I dated before I met him that should signs of being bisexual and I was uncomfortable with it. I don't judge anyone for what kind of sex life that they want. What bothers me is they can't be upfront about it and or lie about it when asked. They should find someone that wants the same thing in sex as they do and be honest about it.
I just wonder who else has gone through this, What the statistics are on this issue and why?
I would be happy to hear from men and women on this issue.
Thank you.

Contacting an old girlfriend (3 replies)

shocked — Sat, 18 Apr 2009 19:57:27 -0700

Age differences, friendship/relationship (14 replies)

Connavar — Sun, 19 Apr 2009 10:34:43 -0700

So... ive been reading a few posts.. and its like.. 3 am.. and i am feeling kinda blue right now, and i want some random peoples advices, cuz sometimes people who are completely out of the situation come up with interesting ideas and thoughts that family and friends seem to overlook cuz of emotional ties etc.

Heres the story. I am 22, and this girl is 15. we have been friends for like 2 years, i was pretty much.. a counselor for her, helping her with her homework, comforting her when she was sad, telling her how to treat her parents with respect, that overtime they will trust her more, and give her more freedom etc. (funny thing is i plan on becoming a teacher when i finish my studies). and well... besides she being cute.. and fun .. i never rly had any feelings for her, until she started kinda looking at me differently.. smiling differently... and i noticed something was up. she one day told me she loved me. and i told her. "well i dont feel the same thing towards u, but that should not be a reason for us to stop being friends" . and so we kept talking in msn etc... well.. give that 3-4 months i started liking her back, and well its now like 6-7 months after and i feel like i love this girl, and i want the best for her. So wat did i do. i told her one day. "you know...i feel like sometimes i am more a source of frustration and worry for u, than happiness. Cuz like i told u, i will not go out with u, or date u, till ur 18, and we gonna keep talking for all these years, ur gonna be frustrated that u cant have wat u wanna have now, i will be frustrated that i wanna be with u, but cant. So i think we r better off not talking anymore, or talking very sparingly." and we talked a lot that day (3-4hours), (we would use msn/camera to talk.. even though we do see each other 2-3 times a week, in church or maybe out with friends bowling).
so that week i went to her house, talked with her parents who i had talked already with them. that they shouldnt be worried or freaked tat, that i would not go out with their daughter.. just wanted to keep being her friend... keep talking to her.. get to know her better.. and that they shoudlnt be worried... tat i would never touch her, and i never did, never kissed her nothing.. hugged her two or three times, but more a caring hug.. i aint no perv. and well i told them, that if we kept talking, eventually people would find out, and get very confusing views abt wats going on, i would be viewed as a pedophile, she might be seen kinda weird as well, and this would probably damage our relationship to our groups of friends, and have very detrimental effects on her emotional side to deal with all that stuff. and i told her dad tat i think its better me and her not talk to each other nemore.. and if do. do so strictly as friends, and for her to feel tat she is free to meet other guys.. that she dun belong to me.. and tat she dun feel jealous of me either, if i wanna meet other girls. This way she can grow up without all this stress.. and in the future when shes 18.. i will be like 25.. and then things might work out, and if not she will be over me by then, and not have to deal with soo many problems... and by then she will have a clearer view if this is wat she really wants for her life" and well he told me. "well i rly like u as a person, if u wanna keep "JUST" talking to my daugther i have no problem with that, i never did, we talked abt this already, but if this is wat u think is best, i think ur decision is a wise one". and well.. yeh we decided on that.

its been like a week and a half, and i feel miserable.. everyday i check my e-mail box 5 or more times expecting to find an e-mail from her, i struggle holding myself back from e-mailing her. i keep looking at a picture she sent me... and i dunno its soo hard... i see her at church.. and i say hi, and w/e.. and we look at each others eyes.. and we wanna talk more.. but dun want people to know wats going on.. and think we r weird. .. i am constantly feeling like i need to talk to her... and like.. 2 days ago we did talk... i unblocked her in msn.. and we talked.. for like 2-3 hours.. was soo refreshing.. she was like... saying "thank you" to me.. tat i kinda broke our rule to not talk in msn nemore...and like.. unless i am playing soccer or out with friends.. or doing something tat keeps my mind completely involved... i cant take my mind of her, and i am struggling to study. ... its sad... and like.. i feel if i just keep talking to her.. and e-mailing her... it will be harder .. and take longer for us to get over this frustration. so i dunno wat to do. i also dun wanna give her the impression that i am weak and cant live up to my decisions, cuz in all honesty, i am a sentimental person, and not very determined/ ambitious, so true.. i might be weak in some sense. i dunno... just yeh lol.. its pathetic i am in like.. emotional turmoil over a girl tats 7 years younger than me, who originally i had no feelings for.. and now. both her and me r miserable... and yes i know shes miserable as well, cuz one of her friends came talk to me that she is like struggling everyday with this. i feel so sry for her... she was like crying last time i talked to her.... w/e. just tell me wat u guys think, and ima try and get some studying done, and get some sleep...

forgot to add one thing.. i have told her before that i like her.. tat i find her to be pretty.. beautiful.. etc things like that.. but i have never told her i love her. even once abt 1-2 months ago i told her. "i rly like u, and i care for u, but i do not love you, i dont wnat u to be believe something that is not real, dont feel like this is some sort of dream, i dont love u, i like u, ur a good girl, but i dont ever want u to think i am tricking u, or playing with u.. i am not, i am honest abt wat i feel"... and i was always honest and sincere with her. and like.. 6 months ago or so.. i tried rationalizing with her... telling her.. "you know.. u just like me.. cuz u see me as some sort of "role-model" i am handsome/fun.. have lots of friends.. well i aint rich.. lol... but i aint a bum either, i am a hard worker, but rly you will notice overtime that you just like this illusion of me.. rly u dun rly love me".. and then she would come with stuff like.. "no... you are honest, a good person.. i see how u treat people, you are kind.. i dont just love you cuz u r handsome, i wanna marry you".. and.... well just letting you know.. tat i tried using logic with her.. and well.. i guess women in general are not very logical.. (sry for the stereotype.. (on a side note, i am like a very logical type of person.. even though emotional.. i am a chemistry major third year university student, and an avid chess player)).. there was no convincing her otherwise.. and like.. i tried convincing her when we decided how we would deal with this.. for her to not wait for me to show up, asking to date her when she turns 18, cuz tat tat might not happen, and she will feel devastated, and i would feel guilty for it. and shes like... "i wanna take chances, if that happens, i will just have to deal with it"... well at least she agreed that we should keep this private, and not talk as much nemore, and be strictly friends till she older... at least she had enough common sense to see that. but i mean.. i cant expect much reasoning from her.. shes a teenage girl in love.... well i guess tat pretty much covers it all... just wish this wouldnt be soo hard on us... and tat both of us could get over it without this constant struggle to feel the need to be talking and to be together.

in case ur wondering connavar is not my real name lol :P .. just some character in some novel...

I need help (2 replies)

DelishaAlfred — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 18:49:10 -0700

Hi All,

I am new to this forum so be nice to me :)

I recently moved to Charlotte, I am Single and struggling to find where people hang out, how do people make connections.
I am in my 30s, so not really looking for anything crazy, just regular, fun, normal people to connect with.
Also, does anyone here have any experience with The Relationship Company?
I saw their ad on the TV and just curious if people have had success?
Anyway, hope to make some new friends here.

Delisha

He Hurt Me...Ive never been here before... :( (4 replies)

Monica — Sat, 18 Apr 2009 11:58:50 -0700

So I have been dating my boyfriend for over a year...we broke in Dec and Jan cuz he told me couldnt be there for me.. for a few weeks I dated another guy... nothing exciting just a rebound guy. In Feb my ex and I worked things out and he moved in with me. Just last night at a family bbq a family members bf told him about the "other guy" coming over once. He waited till we got home and turned into a total monster. He slapped me across my head so hard that I saw a flash of white light... he then pulled my hair and dragged me across my living room floor. When I tried to leave he took my cell and my car keys.. I begged for him to let me leave but he held me hostage in my own home. I have never so afraid in my whole life. I have never been touched by anyone in an abusive manner. Then I hear a knock at my door, it was the family member boyfriend at my door...he called him to come over to help him move his stuff out. I was so afraid that I started crying and shaking thinking they were going to kill me. The family member bf looked at me and didnt even try to help me. My (ex) bf tells him to stand by the door to make sure "she doesnt make a scene and escape, if she does catch her." I have a scratch under my eye, a lump on the side of my temple and a sore head... I call my best friend who so happens to work at the TX Womens Shelter. Never in a million years did I think I would end up on this side of abuse. Im so afraid and cant stop crying...what will help me ease my pain? Im afraid of him. How does someone, that claims to love you, hurt you? Yes Im hurt physically, but the emotional is too much for me to bear... my heart aches...too much. -_-

Rocky Marriage for 10 years tearing family apart (15 replies)

harmonyme — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 17:42:22 -0700

Hi,

I'm new here.....looking for some wise people to give me guidance. It seems all the people I'm close enough to share my intimate details with are all taken up with their own suffering to offer valuable advice.

I'm on my second marriage. My first husband was a functional alcoholic who was an extreme extrovert - being in a room with only one other person, even his wife, was lonely for him. He needed to be constantly surrounded by friends. I am an introvert and the socializing, drinking, partying, and hundreds of nights he simply didn't come home finally got to me. Needless to say I left that marriage with trust issues. After not dating for 3 years, I began testing the water. I had a young child and would not consider any man who didn't seem loving with kids. I was amazed how bad the odds appeared of meeting anyone that wasn't a walking train wreck. Then I met him, the ultimate salesman. He told me everything I wanted to hear. He wanted to catch up to his friends (who were already married with kids) - though he didn't tell me this. Basically he was getting a package deal with me - a cute wife and a built in family. He played his part very well - even told me that he wasn't much of a drinker and rarely had more than two (I had told him that I would never marry another drinker) and lived as though this was true. He seemed perfect. The reality, that I didn't find out for almost 5 years, was that he had lost his license due to a wet and wreckless violation for 6 months, had been living with his parents, and had only recently gotten his license back.

The months after we married were a nightmare. My husband began meeting friends for drinks after work and coming home after midnight (exactly what I had wanted to avoid). My daughter's father was angry that I had remarried (why is it that all men consider their women possessions? My ex had been dating other women for 4 years when I remarried and he chose to get divorced rather than be a real husband). Her father directed her to call my new husband an "outsider" and not do anything he asked her to do. My daughter, feeling confused, began having some serious psychological problems and acting out in school, requiring meetings with the principal. In the midst of all this, I had a car accident and in my despair accidentally got pregnant. When my boss found out, I lost my job as a teacher and couldn't get re-hired because I was clearly pregnant.

The last 10 years have been a continuation of that theme except with some refinement. My new husband turned out to not only be an alcoholic, but a verbal and emotional abuser, a chronic liar, and able to harbor pure hatred of my daughter. Why have I stayed? Because I know the divorce laws, and my sweet innocent baby would have been with this man every other weekend or more by himself and I couldn't do that.

Let me add that for most of my adult life, I have suffered from a compromised immune system and have lost jobs due to having to take too many sick days. I know my limitations, and I have known that there was no way for me to leave this marriage, get a job, and care for two children by myself. The years being a single mother to my daughter were hard enough and many times I thought I would die from the exhaustion. I've been looking for an employment opportunity for about 5 years now that I could handle, would allow me to leave, and get out of this mess, but there has been nothing. Currently the economy is even more dismal.

So, here I am. In such a quandry I have no idea what to do. I sought out help today because it is my birthday, and my morning started off like many: with admonitions and reproaches, what a terrible person I am, how I don't deserve a trip to Disneyland (we were going for the kids, but he wanted to hurt me by taking it away and having them blame me). He left for work, and as usual, called 20 minutes later to "apologize" (always laden with questioning me about my understanding of my part in it). I did not answer the phone - the game is old and I never liked it anyway. As usual when I don't answer, he calls and calls. He will never truly admit that he did anything wrong - it is always somehow my fault. I said something, I did something to make him say or do what he did.

Let me add that these two marriages have driven me into such a depression that I am blind with inertia. I want to crawl in a hole and be left alone. There is a dark cloud that follows me and drives potential friends away. I have no one to support me - no family or friends. As I said at the beginning, any that I could talk to see their problems as bigger than mine.

Is there anyone out there that can help me?

Sexual Molestation Laws Are Sometimes Used to Convict Innocent People (1 reply)

Jimmy — Sat, 14 Mar 2009 12:07:08 -0700

Just like anything else, laws against molestation can be taken too far. Some laws are overly harsh, and get used against innocent people. According to Dr. Marty Klein, a scientist and speaker who tries to bring reason to sexuality in the United States and other countries,

"Far too many innocent Americans have been unjustly imprisoned, accused of sex crimes against children and teens. Most have been convicted because of bizarre (and often prompted) "eyewitness" testimony, coerced confessions, vindictive perjury, or the court's acceptance of junk science.

All these accused have the right to be presumed innocent until proven guilty, and to receive fair trials. But social hysteria and media frenzy often make this impossible. Ironically, most innocent people accused of childhood sexual exploitation can't be helped by DNA technology--because no actual crimes were committed.

NCRJ sponsors many of the wrongfully convicted, marshalling legal, financial, and other support on their behalf. NCRJ also fights to bring the profound injustices of our judicial system to public attention. Most people don't know, for example, that in many states, an innocent person imprisoned for child molestation who refuses to "confess" is considered "unsuccessfully" treated and can't be released, regardless of his/her prison behavior.

NCRJ's Board includes award-winning journalists Debbie Nathan and Judith Levine. Its advisors include psychologists Carol Tavris, Leonore Tiefer, and Elizabeth Loftus, winner of our first Sexual Intelligence Award back in 2000.

Go to their site (www.ncrj.org), read a few shocking stories of how profoundly our justice system can betray perfectly nice people--just like you and me--and send them a tax-deductible donation, grateful that you haven't needed NCRJ for yourself or a loved one."

Lawsuit Involving Sex Toy Shops in Texas (1 reply)

Jimmy — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 06:08:38 -0700

Dr. Marty Klein's newsletter talked about a lawsuit against the state of Texas by 4 sex toy shop owners. I think it's appauling that a state would try to restrict the sale of sex toys in this day and age. This is an example of the state overstepping it's reach.

Here are the details, in Dr. Klein's words:

Douglas Richards and his company Reliable Consultants (owners of 4 stores selling sex toys) had the courage to file suit against the State of Texas, challenging their Sexual Device Ban.

And they won, as the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Fifth Circuit sustained their challenge, taking the opportunity to say that the goal of "protecting children" couldn't possibly be served by the Texas law. Even more eloquently, the court said the Texas law is "about controlling what people do in the privacy of their own homes because the State is morally opposed to a certain type of consensual private intimate conduct. This is an insufficient justification for the statute."

We also applaud Reliable's attorneys, Jennifer Kinsley and Lou Sirkin of Cincinnati, who generously and intelligently pour their hearts into every First Amendment and free expression case they handle, as well as philanthropist Phil Harvey, who joined the Reliable case as a co-defendant.

Reprinted from Sexual Intelligence, © Marty Klein, Ph.D. (www.SexualIntelligence.org).

he hasnt wanted sex for six month,is there a problem, i need help! (8 replies)

misssharon — Sun, 22 Feb 2009 03:12:25 -0800

i have been with my boyfriend for ten years , brought a house together three years ago and we've just had our first child together in dec . i love him very much but im concerned about the fact that he hasnt been near me since aug last year , i know i have just had a baby but i was finaly ready about five weeks ago to have sex again but my partner is not interested , at first saying that he is to tired and i tried to arouse him last night and he just turned over and when i confronted him this morning he said he does want to have sex with me but doesn't want to have a quickie before we go to sleep , i couldnt believe my ears , i dont understand what the problem is , our sex life used to be really good right up until i was five months pregnant then he just stopped even trying to touch me , during the last months of my pregnancy even though he did not come near me i continued to give him pleasure but now there s just nothing , i dont know what to do , and now i feel stupid talking to him about it like im making a big deal over nothing, i now if he feels presured it just wont happen any way , can anyone offer any advice or ideas on what i should do , i need help!!!

lost love. (10 replies)

Elleana — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 19:22:01 -0700

So...I have a dilemma in my life that I need some advice on. Here’s the situation: For the past year, I’ve had some pretty bad experiences with people I’ve dated. I was in one rather unhealthy “relationship” for a few months. [Just for the record, I’m a lesbian. Not that it matters but I wanted to clarify] After breaking away from this girl, I felt almost hopeless. I thought I would never find someone who was ready for a more serious relationship. I was searching and searching but no one ever seemed to come around. The week I stopped searching and decided to play it cool for a while, a new girl entered my life. I’ll call her “Susie” for privacy purposes. Susie is absolutely amazing. She is thoughtful, loving, funny, smart, and simply has a positive outlook. She treats me so well and was truly like a breath of fresh air when she entered my life unexpectedly.

So, what is the problem you may ask?! Well, although Susie is a wonderful person, I’m not physically attracted to her. Trust me, I’ve tried so hard to look past that seemingly insignificant fact but it always sneaks up on me. I’m not a shallow person and I would never solely judge someone on their outward appearance but I can’t get past this issue with Susie. I love spending time with her and of course I want her in my life. However, she is falling for me very quickly and I’m just not on the same level. I’m not trying to lead her on. I’m not lying to her. But a part of me feels guilty. AND to top it all off...I’m really starting to like her friend. Ah, it kills me how this sounds. Reading what I wrote just makes me feel like a horrible person. Honestly, the last thing I want to do is hurt someone, especially Susie. This is the truth though and I can’t help it. My whole life I’ve settled for people who aren’t right for me. I’ve let past partners step all over me and test our commitment. I don’t understand. This one time I find someone who is absolutely crazy about me, I want someone else. I’m so indecisive about this whole situation. I don’t want my selfishness to hold Susie back from any opportunities with another girl, but I can’t let her go. I mean that tells me that there are obviously some feelings for her. I feel silly about this physical attraction hinderance but the feelings I have for Susie’s friend are stronger because physical attraction is a contributing factor.

This is where it gets complicated. I don’t know how to approach this situation and I just need some advice. Sometimes I think I don’t realize what I would be missing with Susie. She can potentially make me so happy but that’s not a guarantee and I’m afraid I would be settling once again. On the other hand, if I don’t settle and I try to see where things with Susie’s friend takes me, I’m afraid too many people would get hurt and unnecessary drama would surface. My mind so badly wants to fall for Susie. I’m ready to make someone happy and I’m ready to love. But my heart is pushing me in another direction with a completely different person. Any suggestions would be very helpful. Thank you so much for listening.

Trusting My Girlfriend (3 replies)

Buckyfox — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 05:35:31 -0800

I met the girl I am dating now about 2 years ago. The relationship started off slow. She had just been divorced from a 9 year marriage. I had just been out of a realtionship with a woman who I had a child with. I really love this girl and want out relationship to work. The problem I am having is trusting her. Early in our relationship eventhough I was a bit alouf she admits to me she hooked up on a out of town getaway. She also admits to casualy e-mailing back and forth with one of my better friends who is married to one of her good friends for a week or two behind my back. She also admitted to me she has a connection with a younger girl at the hair salon her uncle owns. At a party in December I was able to see her behavior with this younger girl which was disturbing to me. Big, long hug when we entered the party, playing with the girls hair right in front of me, setting up meetings with this girl having dinner, forwarding me messages they send each other which seem to get her excited. I have made her aware that I am having touble trusting her and she says if we dont have trust then we dont have any basis for our relationship. Am I over reacting?? Am I being jealous?? I do have issues trusting people for being burned in the past. We are set to leave for a week long vaction this weekend and I want it to go well. What can we both do to get on the same page before we leave????

Fantasy World (3 replies)

natalie — Sat, 31 Jan 2009 14:58:29 -0800

Hi Everyone!
Hope all is great with you since I last posted a few years ago. I am in a 4-year relationship with a great guy. We love each other, live together, communicate well, and have fun (in spite of the lack of money these days). There's no doubt he loves me and is committed to our relationship. He doesn't cheat in any way. This question probably will be best answered by men (I think), but I'd love to hear what the ladies are thinking too.
Why do men place so much emphasis on reminiscing about their younger days, flirting, gawking at pictures of women, being "ga-ga-in-love" with a new face on TV, etc? When I ask him about this, he just laughs, kisses me, and says "oh it's just fantasy, a guy thing".
I await your responses...