SelfhelpMagazine Support Community - Eating Disorders

A 10 year story. (no replies)

Cherri — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 04:28:32 -0700

I'm just wondering where to start? I guess... I am a bulimic. I have been for over 10 years trying to do self recovery with various VERY short term attempts at professional help. 10 years of wasted life, fights, anguish, crying..with myself and with the people around me. I guess you would classify myself as self destructive. I have 2 children under 4 years of age whom both were born with my bulimia, both premature ( I hang my head in shame). I have had one failed marriage and another broken relationship if I don't do something about it. I no longer take laxatives like i used to in my early 20's. I am bulimic out of habit, mostly when I'm tired and stressed. I have had teeth removed from my habit. I sit here and think back to when I came home after a 2nd molar removal and my partner cried. He didn't want our second child as he was afraid of the effects of my bulimia on the baby - I thought I would get over it being so happy I was going to have another baby - I didn't!! From not kicking my habit as promised, I doubt we will EVER have another baby even though I wish I could. He will not marry me as he said he does not want the bulimia in a marriage, it's a demon he says. I know it is and sometimes when we argue (whenever I try to talk to him about it) I feel like I have lost control or lost everything in my life of value...protecting my children from a mummy that has this demon as a second skin...I often imagine if only I could pull it off my back ..but i feel it's like a wart with such deep roots that i almost feel the pain as trying to physically rip a second skin from my back... yes, from my back as a burden. My partner is away tonight, seeking solace from living with my ED. He usually comes back drunk and takes his frustration out on me from being a bad mother, a bad partner, one who cannot keep her promises, someone whom lashes out to protect her shame and insecurity and whom won't seek professional help. There is much more to this story, a mistreated confused childhood and an adulthood of forever seeking happiness...somewhere. I would like to reach out to expose this demon (unknown to my very few friends) in the hope that with just one crack in my armour would be enough to start it's departure. Is there anyone here that can give me some hope (a recovery story or technique/s) that I can recover to save my children and save my partner...from me?!?

Have I lost her? (3 replies)

Lost Sister — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 00:09:48 -0700

Hi all.

Last year my 25 year old sister was diagnosed as Anorexic and hospitalized for three months. It seemed to help: she became more coherent, started to do more with friends and family, even started to -want- things again. She had never been treated for an eating disorder before... I guess I thought maybe she was okay now. She'd struggle but be okay. Now she's 26 and I swear she's right back to how she was (it's only been 11 months!) Yesterday in the car the auto-air bag turned itself off because she's so thin!!

I hardly know how to relate to her now. Plus, it was so quick to come back now I'm deathly worried maybe she'll end up loosing her job and have nothing. Do I need to make plans to take care of her in the future?

please help me understand? Will we never be sisters again?

Causes of Eating Disorders Among Teenagers (3 replies)

awhitestraw — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 00:10:59 -0700

Hi,

I'm new here. Currently, I am working on a school project of mine that look into the causes of eating disorders among teenagers. Would really want to hear from your point of views or any opinions related to this topic. Please feel free to post your comment.

Personally, I believe that the fashion industry channels a lot of misconceptions among the teenage girls, they convinced them that one needs to be skinny to look good. Teenage girls might also see models as a form of inspiration and would want to be like them, thus, forcing themselves to do things to change their body images within the shortest period of time. That's my point of view, which I believe is only a tip of an iceberg of this issue. Would really hope to hear from the others here:)

Thanks

Impacts of eating disorders on teens (5 replies)

Runguang — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 05:35:11 -0800

Well as we all know, lots of teenagers are suffering from eating disorders like Anorexia nowadays. I would like to know what you guys feel about such a problem that exists and what impacts can it bring to teenagers? And will it affect our society?

Please feel free to comment. Thanks.

Media and the body image (1 reply)

reema1 — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 03:46:30 -0800

Hiya
I am carrying out a research about Media and the body image in relation to this topic 'is it only front cover magazines that have an effect on young girls attiude towards body image'. I would like to hear about your views about media and the body image, and about the size- zero models. If you could let me no, i will be greatful
Your kind regards
Reema x

Research for Eating Disorders! (3 replies)

Joanne — Sat, 24 Jan 2009 00:23:25 -0800

In case you are wondering if anything can help you, I spotted this report and thought you might benefit from knowing there's a lot out there. Just be sure to find an experienced and properly trained psychotherapist. This article will tell you the specific kind of training to look for:
~~~~~
New psychotherapy has potential to treat majority of cases of eating disorders

Wellcome Trust researchers have developed a new form of psychotherapy that has been shown to have the potential to treat more than eight out of ten cases of eating disorders in adults, a study out today reports.

This new "enhanced" form of cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT-E) builds on and improves the current leading treatment for bulimia nervosa as recommended by the National Institute of Health and Clinical Excellence (NICE). CBT-E is the first treatment to be shown to be suitable for the majority of cases of eating disorders.

According to NICE, eating disorders are a major cause of physical and psychosocial impairment in young women, affecting at least one in twenty women between the ages of 18 and 30. They also occur in young men but are less common. Three eating disorders are recognised: anorexia nervosa, which accounts for around one in ten cases in adults; bulimia nervosa, which accounts for a third of all cases; and the remainder are classed as "atypical eating disorders, which account for over half of all cases. In these atypical cases the features of anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa are combined in a different way.

The three eating disorders vary in their severity, but typically involve extreme and relentless dieting, self-induced vomiting or laxative misuse, binge eating, driven exercising and in some cases marked weight loss. Common associated features are depression, social withdrawal, perfectionism and low self-esteem. The disorders tend to run a chronic course and are notoriously difficult to treat. Relapse is common.

This new treatment derives from an earlier form of CBT that was designed exclusively for patients with bulimia nervosa. Both were developed by Professor Christopher Fairburn, a Wellcome Trust Principal Research Fellow at the University of Oxford. In 2004, the earlier treatment became the first psychotherapy to be recognised by NICE as the leading treatment for a clinical condition and its use was recommended across the NHS.

Now, in a study published today in the American Journal of Psychiatry, Professor Fairburn and colleagues have shown that the enhanced version of the treatment is not only more potent than the earlier NICE-recommended treatment, but it can also be used to treat both bulimia nervosa and the atypical eating disorders, making it suitable for over 80 percent of cases of eating disorders.

"Eating disorders are serious mental health problems and can be very distressing for both patients and their families," says Professor Fairburn. "Now for the first time, we have a single treatment which can be effective at treating the majority of cases without the need for patients to be admitted into hospital."

154 people were recruited for the study which was based in Oxfordshire and Leicestershire. Two versions of CBT-E were compared: a simple version that focused solely on the eating disorder and a second, more complex version that simultaneously addressed commonly associated problems such as low self-esteem and extreme perfectionism. Both treatments comprised twenty 50-minute outpatient appointments over twenty weeks

The researchers found that the majority of patients responded well and rapidly to the two forms of CBT-E and that the changes were sustained over the following year, the time at which relapse is most likely to occur. Approximately two-thirds of those who completed treatment made a complete and lasting response with many of the remainder showing substantial improvement. Patients with bulimia nervosa or an atypical eating disorder responded equally well, though a planned sub-analysis showed that patients with particularly complex clinical features responded better to the more complex treatment and vice versa.

"This new psychotherapy is an effective and relatively straightforward intervention for treating most clinical disorders seen in adults," says Professor Fairburn. "It is increasingly being used across the NHS and has the potential to improve the lives of the hundreds of thousands of people living with eating disorders."

Professor Fairburn and colleagues are also nearing the completion of a large-scale trial investigating the effectiveness of CBT-E as a treatment for anorexia nervosa, the interim result of which look very promising.

The findings have been welcomed by Susan Ringwood, Chief Executive Officer of Beat, the beating eating disorders campaign group: "This research shows that people can benefit from psychological therapy even at a very low weight. There has been so little research into eating disorders and anorexia in particular, and Professor Fairburn's work has really added to our knowledge in this challenging field."

Source: [www.physorg.com]

food obsessed (2 replies)

neverenough — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 00:12:36 -0700

Everyday I wake up reading to start a new day with my eating habits and my diet soda addiction. I do really good for the better part of the day and then I start feeling the cravings coming on. I have noticed that this happens everyday around 2:00 or 3:00 in the afternoon. If I give in and try to have just a little of whatever I'm craving, I end up binging on it, like I'll never have a chance to eat it again. So then I just give in totally to food and spend the rest of the day constantly thinking about food and eating. I eat whatever looks good in the house or I drive to DQ or something like that. I also crave diet soda all day and have found that I have at least 44 oz. of it daily. Does diet soda make you crave food even more, cause it sure feels that way. Food is my saving grace. I have a pretty stressful life, and food is the only thing that makes me feel better and more able to deal with life.
Help.

i'm new here... (13 replies)

cookiemonster55 — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 00:08:18 -0700

hi. so i'm totally new to this website and i've read a few of the postings, I think this is a wonderful resource and have a great deal of respect for all of you who are contributing. and it makes me feel better than i am not alone with this problem.

i never in my life would have thought that i would have a compulsive eating disorder or binge eating. in fact, i brushed it off for the past few years as myself just being "snacky" and that I was just a normal teenager with a sweet tooth. But after a good five years of living with this, I have finally acknowledged my disorder and I'm scared because it's been controlling my life and it kills me inside and as I type this i just want to cry because it has turned my life upside down and makes me frustrated and confused and depressed and i know i cannot go on living like this.

My problem is that I am a binge eater. Today was especially bad. It started in the morning with donuts ,then half a pan of brownies, half a bag of chocolate candies, ice cream, more chocolate and i just couldn't stop myself. i even resorted to sneaking into my roomate's food storage and stealing her brownies. the worst part is that I know I don't even want it. I know I'm not hungry, but I cant stop myself from eating and it makes me sick inside and I feel absolutely disgusting and bloated after each binging episode...Then i promise myself the the next day I will be better, only to find that I repeat the same cycle every 2 or 3 days.

I am a teenager. I have one year and one month until I am no longer a teenager, and I know that I am not living my life to the fullest. This eating disorder has taken a hold of my life and I want more than anything to normal, to just not feel the need to eat sweets when I am not hungry. I want to eat when I am hungry and stop when I am full, but I always feel driven to snack on sugary things especially chocolate, even when I am full. And as soon as I have that first taste of sugar my world turns upside down and it's almost guaranteed I will binge and my day will be another depressing ruin.

I want my life back. I used to be really healthy. I was one of the fastest runners in my high school, really fit, and now my life is dominated by this terrible disorder, and I cannot help but feel frustrated and angry and upset at myself. I want to stop obsessing and thinking about food and overeating, binging, and losing control at the sight of sweets. I want more than anything to have a normal eating pattern and to just be an normal college kid and enjoy life.

Please, please... if any of you can relate, or had the same problem as me and have healed... I would be forever grateful. I want to dig myself out of this hole and start living because I know that what I am living is not life.

Sooo now what? (3 replies)

Brock — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 09:02:35 -0800

So I'm new to this forum and am not really a poster but I'm just sort of wondering what the next step is for someone like me. I'm still not certain I have an actual disorder although I'm pretty sure I guess cause I read the things you guys post on here and I know that is my life in a nutshell. I can't concentrate on food without getting frustrated or overeating or trying to undereat and then going overboard and then purging. I've pretty much convinced my husband that I quit all this stuff a year ago but minor flare ups happen all the time. I say minor - like puking up everything is minor -but I'm sure you know what I mean. Other than a therapist about a year ago I've never really told anyone about this stuff. Any suggestions on getting on the right track? I don't really want to go to therapy - it didn't seem to be what I needed (and it seemed to move so SLOOOOOW).

The after math...at 46. (4 replies)

LouLou — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 22:19:44 -0800

Hi all,
Just want you to know I have been a recovered anorexic thru psychotherapy for many years. Now my body is falling apart at a very young age. I know when you're young and thin this means nothing. But I successfully had two beautiful daughters who are grown, and now I may not be around long enough to be a gramma. The ill effects of anorexia are huge and I can't find any literature re that, if any have been done. All I know is the two conditions I now have are linked to anorexia. Dental erosion (costing a fortune to fix that!), and lymphoma, which I have just been diagnosed with. Did you know that?
If anyone knows of such an article re long term effects please let me know. And ladies (and gents), please get help from a qualified psychologist or psychiatrist. Dream therapy was huge for me. I became a successful, confident, independent woman in the health care field of course. May as well help others if you can't help yourself I thought. And haven't regretted it a day. You can learn to love yourself and be happy with life for what it is and has to show you.
More importantly what YOU can show the world and the people in it. You are worth it and can set your sights on your own. Depression is also always a struggle, but can be overcome.
Luv LouLou
Hang in there!

HELP (3 replies)

earthward82 — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 05:59:52 -0800

I am a 26 yo male with binge eating disorder/bulimia - I have been dealing with depression for a long time and for the past several months I have been finding that I start to eat and then I don't want to stop - the more I do it the worse it gets and the worse my health gets the more I want to overeat. I have tried to arrest the cycle but somehow keep getting pulled back in - I have been to see a nutritionist and herbalist who have both said that I have hypolgycemia, canadida and parasites and beginning stages of disease in my body so I am quite worried about my health and I know if I don't stop this I will get a chronic disease - I just keep getting the most overwhelming compulsion to eat sugar and carbs and for some reason as soon as I get the compulsion I can't think about anything else... I just feel kind of driven... well just really determined to not feel the discomfort I know I will feel otherwise - it's not that I don't know what to do: I just need to stop trying to escape my feelings etc... but it's so much easier said than done. It's like I'm a different person before my binge behavior as opposed to after. Whenever I get the urge to eat it is so easy for me to just automatically forget every rational thing in my mind and go to any lengths to satisfy my compulsion...
I would be grateful for any advise on how to stop this

THANKS!

sometimes i have it sometimes i don't (3 replies)

jat — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 19:45:39 -0700

i am 37 years old and have on again/off again bulemia, i guess. it's been going on for about 4-5 years. sometimes it's really bad (like right now) and sometimes i can go weeks/months without doing it (and those seem to be when i get really busy with other things - oh and i don't eat much during that time). i recently lost 12 pounds or so through exercising and watching my weight, normally, but now the weight loss has triggered a new obsession with losing just 3-4 more pounds. it's so weird because people really reinforce your mental/emotional need to continue because they tell you you look amazing. i am dating someone in another city and when i have plans to see him i usually binge/purge for a few days before but then i can really get focused and barely eat for the couple of days just before seeing him - just to secure that great "skinny" feeling. then when i get back home all bets are off because i know i have time to have my eating and then go back to starving a few days before i see him again. i'm getting worried that i'm on a slippery slope and this could get even worse. i don't know what to do because i'm scared to gain but scared this is so, so bad for me and i feel emotionally like hell most of the time. i still exercise regularly which helps my mood, but i'm obsessed. i don't even feel like i'm bingeing that much usually - it's probably an amount a normal person would eat but i still have to get rid of everything i can. i guess that's because i don't know if i'll have another episode later in the day. oh yeah, and i'm a chef - imagine that you have to be around food all day/all night, tasting everything in sight with all the stress of the calories adding up in your head. it's making me crazy and it's all i think about. it's disgusting. i have no control. thanks for listening.

a new struggle (3 replies)

Alisonjean — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 19:36:20 -0700

I used to be the girl in highschool who could eat whatever she wanted and not gain weight...but for the past year ive been becoming increasingly obsessed about calories and my weight. for the past month I've been bingeing and purging after every meal and Im scared to death because I either go through a couple days of not eating or have three huge meals and puke them up. I want to know if this will go away or if I'm stuck with this curse for life.

Understanding Anorexia (1 reply)

pianogal — Sun, 17 Aug 2008 22:29:11 -0700

Hi Everyone! I am new to this site. I have been battling an eating disorder off and on since I was in 6th grade. Well, it got really bad in december. I was obsessed with running on top of it. Well a friend of mine confronted me and got me some help. It still took me awhile before I was willing to do what it takes to start recovery. I didn't realize how many people I was hurting. I started seeing a counselor who has been helping me get to the root of all this. It is so not about the food. For me, it was about a lack of control. I have almost made it back to eating pretty regularly. The only thing is I don't understand why my head thinks the way it does. When I eat, the first thing that comes to my mine and even how my body reacts is to throw it up. It takes alot of willpower not to do that. Then I just want to run and run until I can't stop. I have learned that it is my choice what I choose to do and if I choose to eat. I don't understand it. I don't know if its because my body has been without for so long that it just takes time to adjust back to what is normal or what. Does anyone else have thoughts like this? How do you overcome them? After I eat, I try to just make myself busy and get my mind off the food. It seems to consume my thoughts. Sometimes more than others. Will this be something I have to battle for the rest of my life? Its like just when I think I have it beat. It sneaks up again. It scares me a little. I was so bad off physically and I couldn't even think straight. I am so scared of relapse. I iam scared that if I do relapse, I may not get a second chance like I did this time.

Not Psyched About My Body (3 replies)

Care4UrMind — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 02:28:42 -0700

I feel like I've spent my whole life ALMOST in shape, ALMOST healthy, but haven't quite been able to get to that place where I'm really psyched about my body. I've tried every diet and workout routine...anyone have anything else I might try?

FORGET IT (4 replies)

BehindClosedDoors1980 — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 19:49:50 -0700

It's too hard right now. I've stopped fighting for recovery and am losing weight. It just feels too good to get thinner and deprive myself. WHY does it feel so good?? I don't know, but it does... and I want that feeling.

A Challenge Next Week (3 replies)

BehindClosedDoors1980 — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 16:34:11 -0700

Well, I just posted about how I feel strong in recovery right now and very optimistic. My optimism hasn't lessened, but during these next two weeks I feel like I will face the first big challenge of my recovery.

I'll be in training at a off-site location and probably will not have access to a refrigerator or microwave. I prefer to cook my own lunches and bring them to work every day, but obviously at my own office I have places to store and reheat them.

Skipping lunch every day for the next two weeks is not an option, but neither is eating out - too expensive.

So, I'm doing two things. One, I'm taking advantage of the class not starting until 9am every morning to get up early and make a proper breakfast. Ordinarily I have to be at work at 6am, so, having not a second to spare in the mornings, I scarf down some instant oatmeal or something equally fast. For the next two weeks, though, I'm going to try to have something more substantial.

I also have dried fruit and nuts for a morning snack, and fresh fruit and a nutrition bar for lunch. I will plan on eating again as soon as I get home.

It's a little off the meal plan, but unfortunately I need to be flexible and I'm limited in what I can bring that doesn't need to be refrigerated.

I will keep everyone posted. I am not nervous at all nor do I even feel an inkling of wanting to skip meals.. but all it takes is one time, you know? I'm not at a place yet where I can afford to be lax about my meals.

Going strong in recovery (9 replies)

BehindClosedDoors1980 — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 19:25:01 -0700

Guys,

I have been in recovery for a month now and I am optimistic that this relapse is basically over. I have not skipped a meal or snack - not one - in the past month. I was over-training a little bit but cut that off by creating a specific training schedule (I am running a half-marathon in October).

I have even begun to incorporate a 'fear food' into my diet and that is going well. I am able to enjoy this food and buy it without anxiety. I am prone to buying it and then throwing it away, but I haven't done that, either.

I have no plans to stop my meal plan or leave therapy - I'll need both a good while longer, I'm sure, but I am extremely optimistic about my progress and believe that I am on the way, once again, to solid recovery.

You have all been so supportive of me in my relapse. I thank you all so much for that. You are invaluable :)

Starting to struggle (2 replies)

BehindClosedDoors1980 — Sat, 29 Mar 2008 12:39:58 -0700

I hate this you guys.

It's been almost three weeks since my laxative flushing/scale trashing push into recovery and I was doing really well but am starting to struggle a little bit.

1. My brother's finacee's bridal shower is coming up next month and I caught myself wishing that/wondering if I would be the thinnest person there :(

2. I somehow fell off my meal plan over the weekend and ended up eating way too much (I think? I don't even know. It might have been normal) and contemplated skipping a meal, didn't skip it, came dangerously close to purging it. I have never purged (by vomiting) in my life but have come close several times. I always manage to stop myself. I'm so afraid that if I start purging I won't be able to stop. I am back on my meal plan today and have all my meals/snacks for the week portioned out and ready to go.

I know these items don't seem like a bit deal, but it's so easy - SO EASY - to slide back into this thing... skipping JUST ONE MEAL is like having JUST ONE DRINK.

Back in the game (11 replies)

BehindClosedDoors1980 — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 22:23:34 -0800

Sorry for my extremely negative post in my "relapsing and people's comments" thread. I am emotionally exhausted but ready to make a big push for recovery.

Last week I flushed my laxatives and diet pills. I am laxative free and feeling really good. Luckily my abuse of those pills was not enough to cause lasting damage to my body's "rhythms" or to my digestive tract.

Tonight when I get home from work I am throwing out my scale. I am sick of it controlling my day. It is completely ridiculous that since I choose to weigh myself today I feel fat/gross/unclean whereas yesterday I did not weigh myself and felt fine. Had I weighed yesterday, I would have felt fat/gross/unclean then and fine today. It is arbitrary and completely unhelpful. I am DONE with letting a number rule my day.

Also, I am starting a professional nutrition plan as opposed to one I wrote myself. The one I wrote myself was okay but I don't necessarily trust myself, and it's too easy to deviate since I am not accountable to a professional.

These are big changes but I am ready. I will post back here tonight once the scale is gone.

New meal plan (1 reply)

BehindClosedDoors1980 — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 22:17:30 -0800

Ok guys, I have languished in this relapse long enough. Time for it to be over. I realized last week after setting a VERY unhealthy goal that this is officially out of control.

So I am on a meal plan (devised myself with the help of a friend who takes excellent nutritional care of himself). I went grocery shopping last night and portioned out all my meals/snacks for the week.

Today I have followed my plan perfectly so far.

I'm not going to lie, I had a really hard time at the store. For some reason right now I am not okay with most protein sources or juice. It's really hard to find good produce this time of year, so I am fruit/vegetable deficient and protein deficient but cannot find sources that I am okay with.

I hate feeling like a neurotic freak at the grocery store while everyone else is piling their carts with stuff that they will just enjoy.

I'm off work in a half hour, will go home and try to have my snack. Then yoga and hopefully dinner.

I am notorious for skipping dinner on days when I have yoga because I'm not home and showered until almost 8pm and then I convince myself that it's too late to eat. But tonight since it is planned and I have everything I need, I will get something in my body.

Here goes... and yes, I realize that this post is mostly focused on behavior, but sometimes I have to force myself through the behaviors for a while so that the feelings will surface.

--Diana

Relapsing and people's comments (12 replies)

BehindClosedDoors1980 — Wed, 14 May 2008 14:19:48 -0700

So, as you guys know I'm in a bit of a relapse right now, and I guess the weight loss has become noticeable because it seems like every other person makes a comment that I'm looking thin these days.

Of course my disordered brain interprets this as encouragement, especially because no one has expressed any worry... but no one has expressed praise, either. Just neutral comments. But I'm taking them as encouragements/challenges.

The guy I share an office with at work told me that I'm the kind of girl that other girls hate because I'm "so skinny."

Well... I wouldn't wish an eating disorder on my worse enemy, and I would like to think that if people knew what the struggle was like, they would feel sadness for me, not hate. And you know, I've gotten to this point before and I'm heading there again where you look at yourself and say, "Okay great. I'm skinny now. So what? I'm still miserable."

But once these comments start coming, it's really hard to think about weight restoration. I like the validation, even though the comments are not validating my self-esteem, they're validating my destructive behaviors.

Anyway, I don't really know what I'm looking for with this post, just a place to vent I guess.

--BCD

Not getting anywhere =[ sorry this is such a long rant... (7 replies)

*blue_bell* — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 11:41:51 -0800

Ok so, basically I've been bulimic for 2 years, I know you're meant to be 18 to use this site but I'm 16, I just needed a place not to feel alone. I binge/purge (but it's not always a binge) normally around 2-5 times a day, sounds like quite a lot I know but I sometimes have days where I don't do it at all. I even get so low sometimes as to throw up on trains, because I just need to do that more than anything. Well I told my parents and went to the Priory for treatment, I did therapy for 6 months but found that instead of helping, it actually got worse and I'd started cutting in that time too. I knew why I was binging/purging and I didn't need to talk for an hour in therapy to someone who barely responded about it. I was meant to do inpatient but a few weeks before, I freaked out for some reason and couldn't do it, so I started making a lot of cr** up to my psychologist and review psychologist about how much better I was getting, even though it was still really bad. They both believed me and so did my parents (who didn't actually even try to help me in the first place, still commenting on my/other people's/their own weight and filling the house with binge foods), 4 months down the line I don't know what to do. I just spent another 20 mins with my fingers down my throat in the sink in my bedroom and I feel like I can't take it any more. Nothing helps - talking about it, trying to exercise self-discipline and stop it (a few weeks ago I went 2 whole days and didn't purge once but couldn't keep it up). I think the problem is before I got bulimia I was borderline anorexic and lost 18lbs that I got back again with bulimia. I can't do that again but I still want it back so much. I'm not good at expressing my feelings to people and I can't tell them again that I have an ED [still] because not only will they think I'm a liar, they'll be disappointed in me and I won't be helped again. I can't do inpatient, I know it probably sounds ridiculous but to have all of my rights and control stripped for 4 weeks is just terrifying, so is the thought of not being able to fall back on my eating disorder when I'm upset or scared or anything. I feel that I've isolated myself so much in the last 2 years that I don't have anything else and it doesn't matter any more what I do to myself because all it ever caused was arguments when I asked for help. I've been called disgusting by my (now ex) best friend, who was the only person I told at the time and who told 17 other people, including some people I didn't even know that well and the person I was about to go out with (and did for a year until my 'issues' got too much and I felt like I was dragging him down). I know it's disgusting and shameful, but it's also not something you can control. If I wanted to be thin and pretty I wouldn't compulsively overeat and then vomit it all back up - that's the least 'pretty' thing I can think of. Is anyone else in the same sort of position? It would really help to talk to someone who actually KNOWS what it feels like...
Thanks for reading my giant essay-like rant <3

Update (good) (6 replies)

BehindClosedDoors1980 — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 22:19:36 -0800

All...

I want to thank those of you who have taken the time to read my post and offer comments, support, and challenges.

This past weekend I left my city and went home to visit my family for a belated Christmas. Both of my parents are re-married but they all live in the same town. My oldest brother was down there (my middle brother lives in the same city as I do and I see him all the time, anyway).

It felt so good to be home. My mom left her Christmas tree up for me :) I felt comfortable and supported (I have the best mom in the world) and I ATE NORMALLY all weekend. I even had ice cream (twice!) just because I felt like it.

There was something looming over my head, though, and I ended my four-month but very loving and intense relationship last night when I came home.

One of those heart-breaking situations that (I might add) require a lot of courage to look at in the face, because while nothing is 'wrong' there is also no future in it.

So I am so sad this morning, but relieved, and I hope as I process this (with my therapist) that it will also have a positive result on my eating disorder.

This is the "personal stuff" I had mentioned in a previous thread that I was trying to work out. Now of course I feel so anxious and sad that I doubt I could eat even if I wanted to... but having that closure takes a lot of other anxieties off my plate (no pun intended) and this relationship was bringing up a lot of control issues that I had and I was using eating, in part, to make up for that.

Anyway. Thanks again. I've been through one other break-up so I sort of know that it just takes time to get through the initial phase of sadness...

--BCD

Good news and bad news (3 replies)

BehindClosedDoors1980 — Sat, 05 Jan 2008 13:45:15 -0800

The good news is that I ate all my snacks and a proper lunch today.

The bad news is that I'm not planning on eating for the rest of the day and am planning a very restrictive weekend :(

I had lunch with a colleague and when we were done I said, "Are you finished?" and he said, "Yep, that's all for me" and somehow we started joking (I probably led us in this direction) about whether that meant he was done for the day or what, and he was like, No, no, I'll eat more later today. And I thought... I WON'T.

I already feel disgusting for all I've eaten today. I don't feel "disgusting" because that is not a feeling. Sorry. I feel gluttonous and out of control and greedy. And now I'm physically uncomfortable.

And there's too much going on in my personal life for me to be having trouble with my physical life. BLAH.

--BCD

I don't want to be thin (5 replies)

BehindClosedDoors1980 — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 03:35:06 -0800

This is something that I think a lot of people don't get about anorexia, at least my 'version' of anorexia, which is probably a pretty common one.

It's not about being thin. A lot of those websites geared towards teens who offer advice on how not to eat... that just doesn't make sense. If you need advice on how not to eat, you aren't anorexic, you're trying to crash diet. Anorexics don't need advice on how not to eat because we're TERRIFIED OF EATING already.

And for me, it's not about being thin, in fact, I'm scared to be losing weight again because I don't want to be in a position where I have to gain it back. Weight restoration is awful for so many reasons... losing weight is validating for me because it means I'm doing something "right" in my warped brain, but the function that my eating disorder serves has nothing to do with weight or appearance (except in a very superficial, 'notice how fragile I'm becoming' sort of way).

I had a decent day yesterday, I managed to eat when I was hungry and fuel my body enough to take an invigorating yoga class. Today will be harder, though, but I'm trying.

--BCD

I suck right now :( (15 replies)

BehindClosedDoors1980 — Sat, 05 Jan 2008 15:56:36 -0800

Hi everyone,

I usually post in the Psychotherapy and Counselling forum but decided to post here because I think it's more appropriate.

After being recovered and at a healthy weight for years, I have relapsed into anorexia and I don't care.

What I previously understood as the ILLUSION of control that my eating disorder gives me again feels like ACTUAL control and I love it and I need it.

Just to add that my therapist, who is just recently learning of my relapse (I've only been seeing him for a year, so he didn't see me during the first phase of my eating disorder), knows everything - my behaviors, my feelings, all of it. I'm being completely open with him and trying to hold onto those moments of clarity when I want this thing GONE.

Thanks for listening.

--BCD.

I don't want to give up (27 replies)

Ed-LFD — Wed, 14 May 2008 14:16:57 -0700

Where do I start? (5 replies)

roxygrlj — Sat, 29 Dec 2007 13:16:43 -0800

I'm so confused about where to start, because in all honesty I don't know when or how I got this way. I have always been an over weight girl. It was not until I graduated college that i decided to take control. In doing so I never realized the road I was heading down. In the past year and a half I have lost 115 pounds. I am finally at what could be considered a "normal weight." When I started my diet I thought I was just eating healthy, not the case anymore. I am so afraid to go back to the way I was that I have become anorexic. I am so consumed with the thought of food. It's all I think about. I still feel like I look like the "old me." I am scheduled to get a tummy tuck in two months to deal with my extra skin but i'm so afraid after I will have to continue barely eating. In my mind I think that the surgery might make me finally feel thin but the more I read about anorexia the more i am starting to realize that even if I feel thin, I think I will have to keep starving myself to stay that way. I can't tell my friends or family. I can't imagine a life without counting calories, diet pills, eating anything unhealthy, or even eating more than a meal a day. How do start? I'm so scared that I will go right back to being that fat girl.

Menopause and Diets (12 replies)

Joanne — Sat, 05 Jan 2008 13:58:51 -0800

My ability to control my weight went out the window when menopause hit. I'm wondering if anyone else here has shared that experienced?