SelfhelpMagazine Support Community - Death of a Loved One

Fear of more (1 reply)

Fara — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 11:03:17 -0800

I lost my dad coming on 3 years ago in December due to diabetes/alcoholism/Avandia trials. I still have dreams about him a couple of times a week, have nearly wrecked my life with the rut I'm in, etc. But my problem that has me stuck stone cold in my tracks and even regressing in mental health is my fear of losing my mom. I tear up immediately with the brief mention or thought of it. I'm so afraid of the future event that I have absolutely no present. I don't know what to do. I'm 34, talk on the phone to her everyday, sometimes multiple times. We are best friends and I love that but I'm even seriously considering leaving my life here and moving back to be able to see her everyday. I'm so obsessed with losing her that I know I have become mentally ill. I am asking for any ideas on how to get past this and on with a healthy life and friendship/relationship with her and gain my present back. If you have any words, no matter how small they may seem, please let me know.

Thank you,
Fara

@#$%& GIRLS FROM OUR DATABASE - SOMEONE PLESE @#$%& THIS HONRY DRAB! (no replies)

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Coping with the loss of a loved one (4 replies)

sailbad — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 13:12:16 -0800

Who Are Your Angels, And Whose Angel Will You Be?

It has been 41 years since I had to experience the loss of a loved one first hand. Then, on December 14, 1968, my brother was killed by a drunk driver while standing at the side of the road. He was 21 years old, I was twelve.

The experience that followed, my view of it all, and my eventual comforting conclusions of what had transpired in my life is what I want to share.
Although I had knowledge of the passing of two of my grandparents in England who I had never met, I had no comprehension or understanding of what death was all about. It is not something that we are taught in school, by our parents or at our churches; not that I was a frequent visitor.

I was home alone when the phone rang. It was the highway patrol asking to speak to my parents about the accident involving my brother. After explaining that they weren't home, it was all I could do to ask, "Was he hurt?" The reply was sympathetic, the answer was: “yes”. I knew that I was not brave enough to inquire further and that the officer would not be forthcoming if I had. It could not be good news.

At times like these, friends are so important. There is nothing they can do or say, as much as they want to. There are no comforting words that can make you feel better. My mother had already received the news and was being comforted by a friend and neighbor. My father was on a business trip in England and by this time no doubt making arrangements to fly home right away.

The phone rang again. This time it was our neighbor. She was sending her son down to pick me up. I explained the phone call from the police. By the generous offer of comfort, I knew that I could expect the worst.

I walked into their home less that 10 minutes later and I could tell by the expressions on everyone's faces. My brother was gone. I would never see him again. I could never talk to him again. I could never tell him how much I loved him and that I would miss him.

The days that followed were surreal. Our home filled with flowers and sympathetic well-wishers. The counters and tables were covered with food. And the attempts to comfort were noble, but ineffective.

I withdrew. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't want anyone to talk to me. I did not want to sit in a room full of flowers and try to find something to say. I was totally alone, but my withdrawl from others was the most comfortable place I could find. My father arrived home and the funeral was held. Everyone's sole had been bruised to the core and we all sought refuge in our own thoughts and conclusions. We were each too weak to offer significant support to each other beyond pretending that we were each ok.

Life goes on as it always does and I remember the first time that an entire day had gone without feeling the terrible pain from my loss. It was years later. These days became more frequent and I had to stop and wonder what was happening to me. Why was this happening?

I came to a very personal conclusion, and a very comforting one. I thought about my brother and how wonderful he was. What his life meant to me and everyone who knew him. With these thoughts I began to understand his immortality. I realized that my brother had become immortal through the lessons that he had taught me and others, which we would in turn express to our children and others still, and which they might in turn pass on again.

I also began to realize that his love for me had become my angel, something which would look after me in the toughest times and follow me everywhere throughout my life. And to this extent, I can say from experience that it has.

I solemnly believe that our lessons to others and our love for them give us immortality within their lives and the more that we give and teach, the greater our immortality within them and the others that they effect. When we loose the lives of the ones dear to us we can find some solitude knowing that they will live on inside of us.

It is no wonder that the greatest pain comes from the loss of our loved ones who give the most. They can be infant to aged, healthy or ill, but what we miss so much from them only our hearts can understand.

Who are your angels, and whose angel will you be?

the Obituary (2 replies)

Gregg — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 11:49:07 -0700

I normally look thru the Obituary section of the paper for those I have known. It's always a rather somber moment to find one. One appeared today, a lady who was a dear friend to me. I use to stop by her office and just chat for hours with coffee about everything. She was younger than I with health issues, but I never expected this. She was such a fun person, not often one finds another in this life who shares common ground or understands my take on life. She did. I was always giving her tips on a hot horse. My life was rather in disaray during the time I knew her, but she loved that part about me. She's never forgotten.

shattered family circle (2 replies)

beryl — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 17:39:38 -0700

My only child died unexpectedly 20 months ago at age 35, leaving behind a husband and
a young child. I have no close relatives beyond these two, who I expect, and want, to rebuild
their lives. I will increasingly be on my own. With limited mobility, what are some options
for me to consider to safely connect with people. I am anxious about aging alone and the
attendant problems of declining health & independence, a family history of dementia, and
unscrupulous people who prey on vulnerable people.

Dating too soon (2 replies)

mindy_muck — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 18:58:02 -0700

A close friend of mine lost her mother after a long battle with Cancer about 2 weeks ago. Her parents were married for more than 40 years and yet her father is already talking about dating a someone he recently reconnected with from high school. They met for coffee and dinner in the past few days. I know he is just trying to fill a "spot" or more likely avoid dealing with his grief, as it was a long, loving and fulfilling marriage for the entire family. Is there a book or specific website that would address this situation? The children, all in their 30's are beside them selves and have no idea what to say to redirect him. The father is close to 70 and is not suffering from the onset of any disease that could be causing this.

I appreciate any and all advice.

Thanks in advance,
Mindy

Just shifled from Boston (no replies)

DelishaAlfred — Sat, 09 May 2009 03:49:32 -0700

Hi

I am Delisha from Charlotte. Recently I have moved here from Boston. I had a great time in living in Boston. Had a good circle of friends. Now looking to make new friends here as well as searching for a steady relationship. Recently saw an ad of The Relationship Company on TV. Can anybody guide me if its worth a try. Please share with me all your experiences. Hope to make new friends in the process.

Thanks

Delisha

Losing Dad (13 replies)

Annette — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 17:45:07 -0700

Hey all - just a quick note to let you all know that now Dad is the one slipping away. Just had surgery to put a stent in his heart due to a blocked artery - turns out he needed 3 and the doc says he has very advanced coronary disease. He has no pain so we were not aware. The doc indicated painless heart disease is the worst to treat. Said he had already had silent heart attacks (at least 2). Told me it will happen very quickly which would certainly be a blessing for him. He has had no real interest in life since my Mom died so maybe they will be together. Mom and I believe in the here after though Dad says he doesn't. Hope Mom is waiting for him to say I told you so!

My brother was murdered 30 days ago, my Dad witnessed it, how can we help my Dad? (6 replies)

Tazkss — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 21:17:53 -0700

He was only 33 years old. Since my Dad was there when he was murdered, he feels guilty - of course there was nothing he could do. He was the only son. I feel very sad too.

Death as a Relief (8 replies)

Manuel — Sun, 22 Feb 2009 20:11:06 -0800

Just am thinking that death is not always the worse thing. In thinking about the few people I've been with at their time of passing, they have all been relieved. Once they were gone and things settled back down, I've mourned them, but also been relieved that their suffering has ended.

For those who have been killed in accidents and their end was premature, it's another story.

The Death Clock & My Bucket List #1 (11 replies)

Frank — Sun, 19 Apr 2009 10:24:27 -0700

If you haven't seen the website that calculates the day and time of your death based on a few very simple data points that you provide, have a look.

[www.deathclock.com]

It might be a rouse to gather data points for all I know, but nonetheless, I found it inspiring, and sobering.

After seeing the movie, "The Bucket List" and now this death clock, I have decided to use this thread, here in Selfhelpmagazine's Community Forum, to help myself, by golly.

I'm going to use it to list my personally sacred goals; goals I want to accomplish before my own death rolls around.

Why choose this forum over the Retirement & Aging Forum?

The perspectives of the people in this forum is quite unique, born of the pain of the loss of a loved one, we are in a unique position to consider the importance of a Bucket List, not as a fanciful whim, a hoot, a lark, but rather, a sacred promise to oneself to not let our own life pass without getting everything we can out of it.

Those of us who wind up here share a unique perspective about life that might help me properly consider my bucket list. I therefore invite you all to ramble and question and add your own thoughts,or even start your own bucket lists here so we can grow them together, side by side or in tandem.

Basically, I am doing mine for me, not me and my wife or me and my family, but for me, me alone. This is my list of what I want to get; what I need to heal from the broken heart I have about several people who have passed on; and for whom I still carry unfinished business. Part of finishing that business is making sure I don't die like they did, with lives that were not fully lived, emotions unexpressed, dreams never fulfilled.

I ask you, then, to help me live my life more fully by reading, thinking and ultimately contributing whatever you want, time, ideas, criticisms, dos, dont's, road tips, and whatever else makes you smile in thinking about this with me, even if you share it for only 10 minutes, or share it for weeks and months of coming back with a new thought, a new angle, a new twist or dream of you own.

I mention smiling because smiling is what I'm doing right now, and I hope it is contagious :D

Bucket List Item #1

1. I want to travel across the USA in an RV for at least 1 year of my life (maybe more). The RV has to be one that I can handle, environmentally GREEN, and just big enough to carry me, my dogs and 1 or 2 other people - no more.

I want to be accompanied by different people during this 1-2 years. Some can do a stint with me for a few weeks, a weekend, whatever. I am not sure how my wife will fit into this goal, but she will need to decide that for herself. I do not mind being alone with my dogs for long periods, and think I'd enjoy it. Having been married so long, it's for me to be certain though. This will be one area that needs exploring, and from which I will learn greatly, to be sure.

I will invite my companions to meet me at a designated location by air, then drive with me to another destination, where they then leave. We will share the road during that time, and create our own private memories.

To be able to afford that trip, my work has to be such that it is completely manageable by Internet and other telecommunication technology. Several changes will be required for that to be possible, but it is within reach within this next decade.

How do you know when your done greiving (2 replies)

joycet — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 19:03:55 -0700

I lost my Dad 4 years ago. It hurt like hell. Such a great man should never have to die in pain-he had a stroke. 2 years later, my Mom moved to the east coast with my sister, as she was tired of living alone. When my Dad was dying, I promised him I would take care of my Mom. I called her several times a week. I asked if I could visit( I live 80 miles away) and she assures me she is fine. I was always asking her what she ate, etc. watched on tv, stuff like that. She was always good. Then I get a call from my sister that she was flying in to CA to sell the family home and move Mom back east. I was crushed. A couple days later I call my Mom and no hint of moving. 2 days later, I called again, and said to her, I hear your moving--were you going to tell me? I figured you knew, she replied. Its like I let my Dad down and thats terrible. I miss my Dad big time, we were very close. Does one ever stop missing your loved ones so much? My heart just aches, and I see photos and remember how much I loved them both.

LadyJ

Missing My Father (5 replies)

Jimmy — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 18:23:38 -0700

As I watch my boys grow, I miss my Dad, who was the best role model I could ever want. I wish he were here to see his grandsons, to enjoy them as he enjoyed me. No one will ever fill the hole his death has created in my life.

Annette (12 replies)

Joanne — Sat, 18 Oct 2008 18:13:26 -0700

Hey Annette!

I see you are back in little ways and I'm thinking about how great you are at being supportive. Have you considered becoming a moderator for a forum in this community? The SHM people looking for Moderators these days.

You'd be great :) They're l looking for people to take a forum or two. I'm not volunteering now because I have a couple "medical procedures" coming up and I will not be in any shape to sit up or do computer work for a few months soon, but I'm helping them recruit now :)

If you are at all inclined to help this place, it's pretty easy. They only ask that moderators drop in and then say hello to people, try and keep the conversation going without any kind of expertise or anything like that, and also let the SHM people know if there's a problem with any posts violating the rules.

They don't want anyone to act in any therapy-like role, just meet and greet, talk and report problems. I think they want help in keeping an eye out for problems mostly.

You'd really be great at it, if you're up for it. Just wanted to let you know. There's information about it in the first forum the announcements forum.

Think about it, ok?

Hugs,
Jo

Feeling Guilt about My Dead Aunt (7 replies)

Frank — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 17:44:11 -0700

In another thread where I discussed my guilt about my Aunt, Dini wrote some meaningful things. I am copying them here so as to keep all my thoughts in one place.
______________________________
Dini said:
Maybe, instead of beating yourself up with guilt, you might try turning the corner on it a little by telling yourself, (and out loud if it helps), "I did the best I could at the time." Perhaps I wish I had done better, perhaps knowing what I know now I would do better today, BUT AT THE TIME, I DID THE BEST I COULD. And all we can ask of ourselves, or anybody else, is that we/they do the best we/they can. And doing the best we can at any given time, even if later we know or wish we could have done better, is pretty damn good!!

And maybe ask youself, "does my Aunt understand how I feel, and that I did the best I could, and would do even better today?" I'll bet she's looking down and she knows that and knows you love her. And maybe that's the most important part. And maybe ask yourself, "is my Aunt looking down at me with forgiveness and love?" You describe her (in another thread maybe?) as essentially being your mother (I can relate to having someone who is not your biological mother or father being your mother father in every sense of the word). Just my opinion Frank? You bet your booties that someone who had the love in her heart to take you in as a mother, and give you that sort of love, is JUST the kind of soul who looks down upon you with both forgiveness and that same love. (I'll double that bet by saying that IMHO it's more than likely that she forgave you a long time ago and never stopped loving you).

Which brings us full circle to forgiving yourself Frank. Putting down the stick you are beating yourself up with. I know it's not easy or simple, and that it's a process (because I've done plenty of self-headbashing myself and there are still things I need to work on forgiving myself for) - but IMHO Frank, that's the key to the lock. IMHO someone with the heart of your aunt forgives and loves you; and it is in forgiving yourself that you will be able to "take that in." At least that's been my experience with a few things.
__________________________________
You comments hit home, Dini.

I felt better as soon as I began telling myself I did the best I could at the time, because that's 100% true. I did not want to be more generous to her because I felt it was disrespectful toward my own Dear Mother, who suffered too much at the hands of her malicious sister. I think my Aunt sufferd from depression and was angry with the world toward the end of her life, and took it out on the one person she could, my Mother.

Besides, I didn't ignore her completely. Rather, I was not as generous as I would have been toward my own Mother. There is a difference.

I also think if she were here day and could talk about it, she would understand. That's something I always loved about her. We could talk in my younger years and she always understood me, even if i was an exasperating 15 year old at times. I am with you about people who serve as our parents looking down on us with forgiveness and love. I imagine that from up there, he narrow-mindedness of old age has disappeared and she is as free and accepting as she was when she was younger, and so willingly gave of herself to mother me when I was headed for the streets and some bad influences. She kept me on the straight and narrow, not with harshness but with steady love and guidance and by taking a daily interest in what I was doing. That heart, that spirit is who I imagine is up there now, looking over me.

Coming full circle as you put it, you are right about not beating myself up. It serves no purpose but makes me feel bad. I will put my energies into typing things up like this post and doing more positive things, not negative ones.

Thanks, Dude! You're awesome.

Aunt Died in June (6 replies)

Frank — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 22:11:10 -0700

My Aunt died and I am not able to move forward. I was not generous to her when she was in a nursing home and now she's passed. I feel guilty. She raised me for 3 years when I was 12-15 and my Mom had left. My father wasn't able to handle all of us so my Aunt took me into her house and treated me like hers, because she had no children. Then when we were adults, she was cruel and hurt my Mother after my Father died. I had not forgiven her, and probably still haven't. Now she's gone and I am guilty.

Lost my partner too in January (2 replies)

Buechelgirl — Sun, 17 Aug 2008 11:50:22 -0700

I too, lost my partner back in January. I watched him slip away and could not help him. It has been very hard to go on. Two weeks after he died I had open heart surgery. Then was off of work a month and half. I did not have time to greive until I came home from the hospital. Every where I turned I seen him. We were to be married in Feburary. Its been 6 months, and it still hard to come home, or wake up and he,s not here. I even remoded the inside of my house. Its still hard. He was my best friend. I feel like I don't have anyone. I have friends and family that have been so supported but its not the same. How am I to going on smiling, and act like I'm OK when I not?

A Father's Passing (17 replies)

Dini — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 14:47:25 -0700

I'm off to see and be with family and put the man who has been a father to me for decades to rest. I am very, very sad.. But I also know that since I was about 12 or 13 and we mutually unofficially "adopted" each other, I became one of those rare people who, though there was heavy turbulence, flak everywhere, and some direct hits that really hurt and have left their scars on the approach to the runway, was given the gift of choosing my own family, and they I. His love was a gift and a blessing and I will miss him, though he will always be a part of me. Hell, I already miss him. And right now I want so very badly to be with family, society can call it what it will. (I didn't even bother the flight person with the "bereavement" fare; I've never fit into those boxes in my life and it would have been way too much trouble for him).

Gotta go to the airport.

Avoidable death of adult son.... (8 replies)

nanse — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 21:23:41 -0700

[/b]
[b]
My son, age 43 was on S.S. Disability, under physician care & being treated for Manic Bipolar disease. He lived with me. On 2/12/08 he had apparently accidentally over-medicated. (I believe he heard voices & wonder if a "voice" urged him to take more meds & he'd forgotten he had already taken his meds??) He was NOT suicidal. Upon realizing he was in an over-dose state, I called 911 - Paramedics came, @#$%& him as follows;
"5150 (psychiatric patient) altered level of consciousness-eyes, fixed-pin point, -skin, pale ashen - speech incoherent" & he was transported to the local community hospital in Riverside, California. His medications were taken with him, with his physician's name on bottles.
The hospital diagnosed him with VIRAL BRONCHITIS & he had an admit temperature of 98.2! He had NO symptoms of cold or flu in days prior to 2/12 & had NO symptoms the morning of 2/12, nor did he complain of feeling un-well. He had NO COUGH! The hospital treated him with "antibiotics" (that have no effect on viral conditions anyway, even for people who DO have Bronchitis!) The hospital released him after three hours & sent him home via ambulance, stating that he met the "medical necessity" for this type of transport.....(since when are Bronchitis patients transported by ambulance?!) The ER nurse told me; "We can't keep him, we need the bed"... The hospital did NOT make any attempt to contact his physician, nor, as is normal for a psychiatric patient, put a 24 hour hold on him to monitor him.
He returned home, still in a heavy state of stupor & the paramedics assisted him to his bed. Since I ASSUMED a medical doctor would know what he was talking about, I also assumed he'd be ok in the morning. After about an hour I heard nosies in the kitchen & got up to check on him, whereupon I found him leaning over the sink. I THOUGHT he was regurgitating as I saw a food product he had attempted to eat. When I realized he was actually CHOKING, I immediately called 911 again & returned to his side to try & assist him. To no avail....
Despite my efforts, he choked to death & fell dead at my feet & was in full Cardiac arrest by the time paramedics arrived.

I have lost my mother, my brother, my best friend & my beloved horse that I had for 24 years & there is NO PAIN to equal the loss of your child, be they three or forty three! The pain is excruciating and constant & the scene of his collapsing replays over & over in my mind. I take medications for anxiety & sleep, but there is no relief & they do not help. Throughout the day, crying episodes erupt repeatedly without control, without warning, no matter where I am. I have three other children but they all live at a great distance from my location.

In addition to my sorrow, my depression, my overwhelming sadness, I have GREAT ANGER & FURY at this hospital & hold them RESPONSIBLE for...... erroneous diagnosis, inappropriate treatment and perilous, premature hospital discharge of my son! My son would be alive today had they treated him ACCURATELY. It was only upon ordering & reviewing the hospital medical records did I recognize all the red flags contained therein. I had those records reviewed by two other doctors not associated with this hospital and to quote them, they found the records; "strange, un-usual & in direct conflict with the paramedics report" (unquote) I have filed complaints against this hospital with the Calif. State Medical Board, the Joint Commission on Hospital Accreditation, with "Lumetra", the complaint division of Medi-Care, and investigations are under-way. but I know nothing will be done.....Since he was cremated prior to my obtaining his medical records, four different attorneys have declined his case. At age 71, there is no recourse for me but to live out the rest of my days with this over-whelming sorrow & feelings of guilt. Why did I not DEMAND paramedics RETURN him to the hospital & DEMAND they keep him over-night?! WHY did I trust the medical profession?! I have a white-hot hatred for this hospital and their staff!

People Dying All Around Me (20 replies)

Joanne — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 22:08:42 -0700

This getting old thing is quite the downer when people are dying at such a clip that I can't keep up!!

It shakes me to the core to know that I might be next - not literally, but just in terms of getting older. Geeeez. Three funerals this coming weekend!!!

I really dislike funerals and tend to stay away. My disability serves me well in these instances, but even if I were well, I dread going to them - always have.

It's just that they are coming too fast and furious for me to be able to process.
Any suggestions?

I can't get over it. (5 replies)

treym111 — Sat, 06 Sep 2008 09:03:36 -0700

my grandmother passed away almost 4 years ago. she's was everything to me. i spent most of my childhood growing up w/ her. she was a very healthy woman. but then she started to have problems w/ her heart. she had several heart attacks and the hospital put a defibrillator in her chest. it helped her for a while but her heart was so bad, that she just had heart attack after heart attack. until the last big one. the hospital put her on life support and said that she was brain dead. they said that we would have to decide to pull the plug or not. she passed before we decided.

last year 3 days after my b-day, my grandfather (he was married to my grandmother that passed) my grandfather passed away and we buried him on x-mas day. it will be 1 year this x-mas that he passed away. i miss him.

i dream about them all the time. that they are alive and well. and i am happy in my dreams w/ them. but when i awake i am so sad.

i don't want to get over them. but i need to make the pain ease.

i don't know what to do...

Pulling the Plug (13 replies)

Joanne — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 16:53:07 -0700

My neighbor is 27 years old. His mother fell down the stairs three weeks ago and hit her head. She has had brain surgery and not recovered consciousness yet. The doctors are telling this young man that he needs to pull the plug and let her go. His father is long gone and he is the eldest sibling. His sister doesn't want to do it.

He is asking me what to do and I am at a loss. Does anyone here have any experience with this kind of thing?

My Friend, My Brother Would Have Loved This (16 replies)

Dini — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 19:50:56 -0800

Eleven months ago, an old friend, a brother, passed away. We had known each other since I was 16, and he three years older. We had gone through the foster care and "ward of the state" system growing up. We became "success" stories, whatever the hell that's supposed to mean. He and I were each others' link to a long ago past, a long history, a long present, and a long deep caring and understanding of one another. It was often so amazing to me; his wife "got" me immediately and intuitively in ways other people didn't, because she "got" my friend. So she is special to me. And he truly was a brother to me for almost 40 years. He was diagnosed and passed away within two months. I will never forget his wife consoling me and saying "he loved you like a brother." Those words meant the world to me. In the midst of her own pain she knew the perfect words for me, and gave them to me with love. And he did. And I him.

And we both came from Boston and he loved the Red Sox (and the Patriots). Being from Boston is to being a Red Sox fan what being raised Catholic (as I was) is to being Catholic; it is a part of you, like it or not, win or lose. For me, I find one remains a "cultural" Catholic even if not a practicing Catholic, maybe the more so as one grows older. (I'm convinced it's what allows me to believe in spirits and such and all sorts of things; it's all there in Catholicism - I was "hardwired" with it).

And so tonight, I remember my friend, my brother. It's only baseball, it's only sports, but he would have enjoyed this so much and I would have enjoyed enjoying it with him. And I know that his wife is thinking the same thing tonight; oh, how he would have enjoyed this. And so I find myself crying over a silly baseball game, because I think of him. And miss him. I always will. He still watches over me and cares.

And somewhere, he's enjoying this.

My feelings of loss are still so raw (6 replies)

Sherry — Sun, 09 Sep 2007 10:51:29 -0700

My feeling of loss is still saw raw even after over a year now. I am a care giver by occupation.So my employment had the test again for caring for a dying client.Talk about catapulting you back to your daily grief and intensified.I have been faced with the challenge of loosing 11 people through death in the last two years.And I have not been able to find a breather in between deaths. It fell on me like dominoes.I guess I just needed to let it out.And to allow myself to miss them all once again. Sherry

Babe has passed away (6 replies)

CandyKitty — Sun, 24 Jun 2007 15:46:06 -0700

Babe has passed away. She hadn't been here in awhile posting much. Quite a while. She'd had serious health problems for a good long time. I learned only tonight that she had passed away in her sleep on February 27th of this year.

We used to correspond quite a bit. Despite everything she faced she seemed optimistic and full of hope that some way, somehow things would get better. She had so much empathy and was always thinking about me and my travails when she wrote. And she did so for many others as well.

Amazing.

Amazing that someone facing much more serious things than I and most of us could be like that.

She was creative, artistic and could really make emails come to life. She could make me laugh. And how she could make me cry.

How I wished I had her bravery.

She contributed a lot of wisdom and caring to these forums back then. She gave so much of herself. So much. Time after time after time.

Gone.

Like that.

God, it hurts. You know what? It hurts.

I'm sitting here is a daze. I'm sitting here and hearing the words of an old song run through my mind.....

"If time were not a moving thing
And I could make it stay
This hour of love we share
Would always be
There'd be no coming day
To shine a morning light
And make us realize our night is over"

[www.lyricsdomain.com]

Just like that. Over.
If only I could make it stay.
I mean, see, maybe if we could all just go back only for a moment or two. Just go back to love a little more, to hold a little more, to hug, to care better, to say goodbye better.
If only we could.

I hear another voice from long ago.....

"It is said that all things must come to an end. That knowing that there will be an ending brings relevance and poignancy to our moments. When those whom we have loved and shared our destinies with pass on perhaps we may come to think of their soul as a collection of candles.

"We must, each of us who cared, take one of these candles with us upon the rest of our journey. These candles, these reminders of what we once had, of whom we once loved will serve not only to light our own path with compassion and wisdom but to light the paths of others who will follow where we have gone.

"As we continue our journey we will collect many such candles along our way. Each will indeed broaden our life, make our perspectives keener, remind us to love always, and give us both serenity and acceptance for when our turn comes and we shall stop at some place along the path. As it was written: there is a time to live, a time to die.

"Just as we had, we may hope others will carry forth the candles of our yesterdays, our dreams, our lives and friends, our laughter, our tears, and all that once was for a more loving, more caring tomorrow. How might we honor the Almighty more?"

Love ya, Good Kid.
You will forever light my path.
Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for caring about me.

And God.....
Thank you so much for Babe.

CK

My Dads Death, (7 replies)

ShyLady — Sat, 08 Mar 2008 18:58:15 -0800

My dads death, in August of 2005, came sudden and unexpected for me and my brothers and sisters, he was the very first loss in our family bein' as close as he was to us all.

He was diagnosed with liver cancer, when he went into the emergency room for sever stomech pains. He hated going to the hospital, didn't have a doctor, and only went to the emergency room if he had no other choice. This turned out to be his undoing.

The doctor said he probably got his liver cancer from being an alcoholic, because he hadn't been an alcoholic for the last 20 years of his life.

What made it worser for us to bear is that dad was in denial, sayin' there was nothing to what the doctor's said and that they didn't know what they were talkin' about and it would all blow over in a few weeks. He told us he just wanted to go home.

Dad didn't have any home, then, nore did he have a car anymore, and had been slowly losin' his memory right in front of us, pretty fast. We had all been so shoked by the how fast it had came over him. One day he was the outgoing can't stop me dad of ours and the next moment he was this old man we were all so sad to see in his place.

We had to let my dad go to a nursing home, cause the doctor's assured us all he was diein'. I lived 30 miles to the west of the nursing home, one of my sister's lived 30 miles to the south east, and then there were other sisters and brothers scattered everywhere in the sam city as the nersing home, so for everyone to be able to go and visit him and spend time with him, we let him be in the nursing home.

It broke my heart the last time he ever called me, he begged me to come and get him out of the nursing home, but right then I didn't have gas or a way to get up there and get him, or I woulda done it. I made up my mind I would go and get him on the first of that next month. Only a day later he died, and I had borrowed some money to get there before he passed when a nurse had called me, and he died a few seconds before I pulled into the parking spot and got out to go in. One of my brothers came out to meet me and was shaking his head and crying. Even now I still try to get over my dads death.

mother died ( cut off from the will) (8 replies)

Harry — Sun, 09 Sep 2007 20:18:29 -0700

my wife help take care of her mother, her mother promised her and the kids (in her dying last months), something when she died///the day of her death / my wifes brother said//don't worry mom said share with you 50% reqardless of what the will says//we had to call the courthouse to get a copy of the filed wil 1 month after death///it was filed by her brother///the will was so hateful//that all the love my wife had for her mother seems to disappear or feel like a lie/// She named my wife in the wife as being disinheited/ and to recieve nothing//it named her 3 times//it was so hateful//

the sad thing is we have over 150 e-mails from the brothers girlfriend//talking about how she needs to do this with mom and that your brother is exector of mom's estate but you will get you share/// she led her on //

now 2 plus months after death, her brother called and said sorry, i never said i was going to share with you//and you can have her old furniture//but mom never wrote down that you get anything///and that he was going to keep the paid for house and rent it......................................................

me, what do you think (1 reply)

Gino — Mon, 16 Apr 2007 22:58:45 -0700

lonely and frustrated after mother's death (no replies)

debodun — Sun, 25 Mar 2007 14:31:40 -0700

I and a female and will turn 55 next month. My mother passed away on November 25 at the age of 76 from CHF. She had been failing for quite some time so it was no big shock to find her like that. This may seem a little hard-nosed, but I haven't shed one tear over it. I mean, is this healthy? The last several years I've had to do everything as her disease progressed. She couldn't cook, clean, pay bills and sometimes not even hold a conversation. I work at a full-time job on top of it. My philosophy is that I feel more RELIEF than GRIEF.

I have also been trying to liquidate the contents of the house. She had a 10 room Victorian house filled to the attic with anything you can imagine would be in an old house - furniture, dishes, glassware, framed art, etc. I have not had much luck selling the items. I've tried local antique dealers and estate auctioneers, but I get the same brush-off from everyone: The antiques market is flooded right now, nobody is buying. I'd like to sell the house, but I can't until it's cleaned out and I don't want to give or throw it away. I mean there are antiques, they must have SOME value! I even tried Craig's List without much luck and usually end up waiting for people that never show up.

I don't know where to turn now. I'm alone now and don't have anyone close by to talk to. Most of my close relatives have also died and the ones left are elderly and not in good health. I have one friend that used to work where I do, but she has gone on to another job and she lives 70 miles away. Other people at work have told me to sell on eBay, but #1 - I'm not shipping sofas across the country abd #2 you need a credit card to get an account withn them. So you see I'm pretty lonely and frustrated. Anyone have any ideas for my situation? Thanks in advance for any advice.

on death (2 replies)

Anna — Sun, 25 Mar 2007 16:48:50 -0700

I'm so confused after my father's sudden death less than three months ago. He was only 49 and I'd talked to him on the phone two days prior. I don't understand why we as humans have to die, let alone unexpectedly. We can put a man on the moon but we can't always tell when our bodies are going to expire. It doesn't make any sense to me at all. How does one deal with the sudden loss of a loved one? I guess I may never be able to accept the fact that I can never, ever, speak to my dad again. I just don't understand why things happen the way that they do, I'll never be the same.