Solving the problems that can result from using the Internet to meet and date new partners for sex or relationship.http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/phorum/list.php?22Sat, 21 Nov 2009 03:41:04 -0800 Phorum 5.2.7 http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/phorum/read.php?22,117296,117296#msg-117296 http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/phorum/read.php?22,117296,117296#msg-117296Past 2 years, I had been craving some excitement in my life, something to keep me happy, something out of my reality. that's when i began an online affair with a guy i met on a chatroom, he's 2 yrs younger than me and all this time i have been pretending to be someone i'm not, an unmarried girl living in toronto.
i had every intention of breaking it up much earlier but the thought of losing the one thing i looked forward to everyday just freaked me out.
now it's been going on since 8 months and i've really fallen in love with him. i find myself wishing all the time i could be that "girl", and i could be with him in real. my husband found out about this a few weeks ago but he has been extremely supportive, infact he has realized that he didn't give me that attention and passion i needed and he is really making an effort to change, in fact he has changed a lot. he says he doesn't want to lose me, and this affair that i had was more his fault than mine because he is the one who caused it. he just doesn't want to lose me. he is even planning a second honeymoon so we can reconnect and he is talking to his parents to get a separate place.
but now, i've been with that guy for so long, talking to him on the phone every night that i miss him so much. i miss talking to him, seeing him on cam.
i told him my family is making me get married to someone else that's why i can't be with him, and he accepted it, saying that now it's time to move on. (I've said that many times before too in an effort to break up so now I guess he's sick of my excuses). i keep thinking about him, his voice, the way he talked to me, the things he said to me. We even had a lot of sexually explicit conversations, and when my husband makes love to me i keep thinking about those sexual talks with my online bf. i just can't seem to stop comparing the two.
before my husband found out, it was easier for me to keep the reality and the illusion separate. but now that my husband knows and he is basically giving me a free pass, i can't seem to help thinking about him all the time.
because of so many previous attempts to break up with my online bf, and then again making up with him, he is not even stopping me from leaving him like he used to. i can't get over the fact that he can get over me easier than i can get over him. i keep wanting to call him, talk to him, hear his voice. i keep thinking about the passion we had when we talked to each other. i feel desperate, and i hate it.
i miss him, and i know i can't be with him. my mind is a mess.
at times i think of telling my online bf the truth about myself, and hope that he will accept me, or maybe meet me just to spend time with me for a few days, so i can stop wondering what it could have been like in real.. but i know he will hate me after that and i can't bear that thought. i don't want him to think of me badly.
i feel guilty because i cheated on my husband and now that he is trying to hard to fix things, i'm not being fair to him. i wish i could see my husband as the man i love, instead of the man i'm married to. if my husband did all this 7 months ago, I'd have been the happiest girl in the world.
What do I do? how do i deal with this mess of emotions inside me? and how do i stop missing him, hearing his voice and talking to him?
my online bf is asking me to be with him in real and to marry him, and i want that so bad, but i can't do that because he doesn't even know the truth about me.
i know i sound pathetic but i just don't know how to deal with this.]]> sam82 Cyber-affairsThu, 08 Oct 2009 13:48:25 -0700 http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/phorum/read.php?22,117057,117057#msg-117057 http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/phorum/read.php?22,117057,117057#msg-117057 Cam Cyber-affairsFri, 14 Aug 2009 21:37:17 -0700 http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/phorum/read.php?22,116077,116077#msg-116077 http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/phorum/read.php?22,116077,116077#msg-116077
I just joined this site and would really appreciate some feedback regarding my situation. I have read through a lot of posts and have found them very helpful. I am 27. I had been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 5.5 years. We had lived together for 2 years almost to the day, when I found out he was online dating on XXX rated sites. He would contact girls on these sites to talk about sex. While I was out of town on a trip about 9 months ago, he joined a site and the charge hit a credit card which I had access to. I looked into it, and found out it was a XXX rated online dating site. He confessed and gave me his password and information to the site, so I was able to read all the posts to 36 different girls. He had joined 12 sites over the five years, that I am aware of. He did not volunteer this information, I had to do research and found out a lot more about his cybersex issue than he divulged. He had created a different name and different email where he would communicate with them. He lied to me so many times, I don't trust a word that comes out of his mouth now.

The conversation between my boyfriend and the girls seemed inconsistent (not daily, he only talked to them for a short amount of time) and I don't think he developed a really intimate relationship with any single one girl. He met 2 of the many girls he talked to in person for lunch. His justification for having cybersex was that he wanted to talk dirty with me, but he didn't feel like he could approach me about it, so instead he would talk to other girls online to try to get the courage to do it with me. Just a side note, I am a very sexual person and would never have a problem with introducing this into our sex life. He was well aware of that, but said he just felt uncomfortable with me. He also said he really liked the anonymity of the entire online experience. Our sexual relationship suffered materially as a result of his porn addiction and cybersex activity. He said that he was never sexually aroused from talking dirty to these random girls, he was just curious and wanted to test the waters. It got progressively worse for him. Initially, he just joined regular dating sites and talked to girls, by the end, he was, what I deem, a professional. He knew all the acronyms, he was very descriptive and very dirty. The messages I read were very descriptive, and he would ask the girls to meet up with him and told the girls the area we lived and set up times with them. He only contacted girls in the city we live in. He says he never acted on these messages. Other than the 2 girls he met up with and he said that he wanted to know if they were real. He claims there was no physical intimacy.

When I found out I was devastated. Our relationship was really good on the surface, I truely didn't realize that we had problems. He is a great person, very loving, very attentive, I can't say enough nice things about him. I felt like my world came crashing down and our future we had planned was no longer. It was hard to accept because I really didn't see forgiveness as an option. I tried to go to councilling, but initially it was more because I think that he has a serious problem. The councillor told us that he is unable to share his emotions, and he sets such a high standard for himself that he was unable to share this with me. By keeping his emotions contained, the energy transformed into certain actions and he resorted to online cybersex. She claimed that he does not have an addiction, however, she does not specialize. We ended up ending our relationship and moved out on our own. It has been approx. 9 months since I found out about his cybersex relationships.

He claims that he has not talked online to girls since I found out. I would like to believe that is true, however, he has a difficult time being honest with me. I do have very high expectations with respect to equality and respect etc, so he has always felt when he doesn't meet my expectations, he needs to lie versus get into an argument with me. I recently went through a very traumatic experience with my health, and he was there for me every step of the way. We love each other so much, but I don't know if I will ever trust him again. I really do believe that trust must be the foundation of any good loving relationship. We have decided to go to councilling together again, and on our own. In the past 9 months, he has not been going to councilling like he had promised. He claims that he hasn't had time. I see that as a sign that he doesn't really think he has a problem and he doesn't think his actions were as wrong as they were. I have no idea where to go from here.

I am following my heart at this point because I don't want to have regrets at any point in my life that I didn't do everything in my power to try to get through this with him. I want to spend my life with him, but I am fearful that he will resort back to this behaviour. I also think he will cheat on me physically because I truely believe that he cheated on me in the past. He tells me over and over that he was not physically involved with any of these girls, but I do not believe him. In my mind, all signs point to yes. I have even gone to the extent of looking into lie detector tests because I need to find out the answer to that one question, was he physically involved with other women. I think I will be able to forgive him for the online stuff if I know he was monogomous. He will not take a lie detector test and tells me it is a crazy solution. Just for informational purposes, it is very inexpensive and 95% accurate. We are not living together at this point, just taking things very slow. We are both open to the idea of trying to build trust and get help, but we also realize there is a potential that the end result will be going seperate ways. I am very afraid to open up again to him and feel vulnerable, considering the extreme pain he caused me. I find myself being very paranoid with who calls him, emails him, when he's out with his friends. It is almost like I am voluntarily torturing myself mentally by giving him a second chance, but as I said, I don't ever want to live my life with regrets.

Any guidance, suggestions, information, advice would be much appreciated!]]> cb Cyber-affairsThu, 09 Apr 2009 08:05:03 -0700 http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/phorum/read.php?22,115945,115945#msg-115945 http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/phorum/read.php?22,115945,115945#msg-115945
Eight years ago, he was struck by an illness and was very ill, that, at one point, I thought I was going to lose him.. He was in the hospital for a long time. Our sex life was pretty normal before all this, not over active but just somewhat normal for us, as I was working full time and was sometimes away, and the job consumed so much of my time, though, I believed I still did my job as a mother to my 3 children and as a wife to my husband. When my husband got better, he became distant to me. Communication stopped, and if we do talk, we talked about what we we're watching or have watched on t.v.

To cut the story short, his illness, the tests, combined with his excessive drinking has made him sexually incapacitated. That was eight years ago, when I was 33. Because of the demand my job had on me, I didn;t feel I was missing something. I reassured my husband constantly, that everything was o.k. I was probably missing the reassurances, his hugs and cuddles were offering me. But that stopped. Probably because, he was worried that, hugs and cuddles could ignite me sexually, I am not sure. His heavy drinking got worst. I'll come home from work, and often there he was, just a figure, slumped in his favourite chair when watching t.v., drank. This took it's toll, and one morning, I woke up, and felt nothing anymore. Just pity..and gratitude for giving me three wonderful children. I moved out of our bedroom seven years ago.

Nearly 3years ago, I was forced to leave that job I held for10 years ( constructive dismissal ) Suddenly, my financial future was unsure. I was compensated a lump sum, which I then used to buy a house back in my country, where the amount I was given would stretch as far as owning a small but ok property. Just over 2 years ago, I went back to my country. ( you'll probably guessed that english is not my mother language by the way I construct sentences ) I stayed there for 4 months. The reason for me staying that long, was another part of my lonely present existence, having lost 3 sisters, one after another within a period of one year. thru illnessess and poverty, my father after that, and whilst I was there for my father;s funeral, my mother died too, four days after his funeral.

I was in my country for 4 long months. And I realized my loneliness. I was there, free of that job, my life here in a foreign country, the demands of life in here. I don;t see my husband drank, don't see my children squabbling. It was just me, my thoughts and it dawned on me that I was lonely. I had a chance to examined what was missing and what I am in need of.

When I eventually came back from being away...it carried on. The loneliness. I missed loving someone. I can honestly say, it isn't just the sex...it's the tender moments of closeness. I often asked myself," why can't you love your husband back?" But I couldn't..It's gone and nothing there..nothing at all but pity. I stayed because of it. Plus I didn't want my kids to grow up with one of us not here with them.full time.

Then, I discovered chatrooms. It all started joining forums but a year ago, I became a fulltime chatter in a chatroom. I thought I was wise. It was the opposite because I allowed myself to get sucked into this cyber relationship. I am in love with someone from the same place where I came from back in my country. He is unhappily married too. I know we don't have future as neither of us can leave our family. But I am hurting so much. I don;t know what to do. I tried to finish with him so many times, only to be persuaded that we have a chance to be happy. Why can't I let him go? The pain, ooh the pain I feel at this very moment because, now I have decided to let go. Hes got troubled family life, and its affecting us badly. That communicating with him became so difficult, though, I believe that he loves me too. We haven't met personally, but since we started chatting, we have not missed a day for a year, typing, webcam chatting, and phone texts and calls. He also asked me to give him a baby. He wanted me to get pregnant. When I told him that what he was asking is impossible, i noticed some changes in him. I know he feels he has failed on fatherhood. He's got one son, and adopted another boy. But his boys are a big problem to him and his wife. They became problem boys. This also contributed to his marriage problem. His wife can no longer have children too as she had cervical tumour plus she's in her late 40's now. My boyfriend is out of our country too, working in the USA. I feel he want to start fatherhood and life with me, having failed to create an ideal one the first time. We never hid anything from each other from day one. He never demanded anything sexual from me. It was his naivety that made me fall for him. These changes Ive noticed lately, hard to talk to, barely talking to me, logging off his computer, I take it to heart as I often tells him, what we've got now, and what's going to strengthen this is by communicating and talking. Without it or lack of it is not good for us. We depend on communication. But he still wont open up, although the changes are so obvious.

I was happy for the last few months, although he's got a jealous streak in him that is worrying and a very domineering nature. He is also older than me. But I loved him just the same. We had plans we set up a program on how to carry on our affair without hurting anybody. I am lost and my emotions is getting out of control. I don't know if I have to stay or carry on finishing our relationship. I am already in a very fragile state, and I feel if lose him, then thats it..I would reach my breaking point. But I am convinced he is trying to have second thoughts since I told him that I will never jeopardize the relationship I have now with my children. If I have another baby with another man then that would be it. All I wanted is to love and be loved. And I thought I found it in him. But losing him will equally devastate me. I don't know what's going to happen. All I know, my loneliness is here to stay. And and I am hurting so much still....]]> skyline_topaz Cyber-affairsSun, 05 Jul 2009 14:39:33 -0700 http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/phorum/read.php?22,114654,114654#msg-114654 http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/phorum/read.php?22,114654,114654#msg-114654 Can't Seem to Let Go Cyber-affairsThu, 20 Nov 2008 04:20:36 -0800 http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/phorum/read.php?22,114346,114346#msg-114346 http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/phorum/read.php?22,114346,114346#msg-114346 Help or Hopeless Cyber-affairsSun, 05 Jul 2009 14:43:35 -0700 http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/phorum/read.php?22,113226,113226#msg-113226 http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/phorum/read.php?22,113226,113226#msg-113226
A year and a half ago I spent 3 months in a cyber relationship with a woman in the game Second Life. I was convinced I had found the woman of my dreams and was seriously heartbroken when she broke it off before meeting in real life. We did talk about 3 times on the phone. After the cyber relationship broke up I immediately realized that I needed help and that's when I started both the marriage counseling and the personal therapy, and went cold turkey on the game, but sadly we are still pretty much at the same place we were when I was tempted by the Second Life game.

My wife and I went on a vacation a few weeks ago and during the vacation we saw a show called "Defending the Caveman". It was supposed to be a funny show about how men and women misinterpret each other, but instead of being funny it made me severally depressed. I saw the show as a touching and sweet tribute by a man to his wife, and while we were watching the show I saw a couple about 10 years older than us that were clearly enjoying the show and I could see the affection the woman was showing to her husband. I came away from that show a mess.

When I got home from the vacation I started calling phone sex lines through Nite Flirt and got seriously enmeshed in that world for about 2 weeks. During that time I spent lots and lots of money (read thousands of dollars) talking to about 6 women. I was desperately looking for a fantasy love affair to fulfill my desire for companionship and intimacy with a woman. Interestingly enough most of the calls I made had nothing to do with phone sex and most were just hours of conversation about myself and the operators lives. I met the lonely housewife from Iowa whose husband let's her do Nite Flirt, I met the jaded professional Phone Sex operator that has been doing Phone Sex all her adult life and can be cold and calculating, I met the oversexed hippie child that is struggling for her identity, I met the young 35 year old that is trying to make money and is also looking for a long term love that she hopes will call her on Nite Flirt, and I met the intelligent woman that had an alcoholic dad.

After two weeks and many thousands of dollars spent I came to my senses and went cold turkey just like I did with Second Life. This time I don't feel the deep sense of loss that I did when the Second Life affair came to an end. I realize that it was all fantasy and thrill seeking, and in an odd sense has helped me come to closure over the whole Second Life thing. I think I was still grieving over the loss of that affair, but after meeting these troubled women on the phone sex lines I realize that what I had on Second Life was very similar to phone sex and that that relationship wasn't real either. I actually feel a sense of relief over everything and am not grieving right now.

The reason I say I desperately need help, is I need help in figuring out if I should end the marriage and look for someone that really and truly loves me. In my heart I know that the marriage is over with my wife. I wouldn't have done what I did twice now if it wasn't over. The thing that scares me is really finding someone that truly loves me. It's almost easier to just stick it out in a bad marriage and just accept life as it is. In other words, go through life like an automaton without love and intimacy. It is such a depressing thought, and I have had suicidal thoughts many times. I'm not suicidal right now, but I need someone who I can honestly talk to about what is best for me. The therapists can't or won't give me their opinions. They want me to figure it out on myself and I just need a friend I can trust to give me their honest opinion.

I know this has been a rambling post, but I am so confused and sad and I don't really know what to do. Should I try to find different therapists? Should I end the marriage? Should I try a separation from my wife? How would I, at age 50, meet someone that would truly appreciate and love me? Why didn't I end this marriage years ago when I knew it was over way back then?

I'm just a complete mess.

Gary]]> Gary Cyber-affairsSat, 13 Sep 2008 09:00:09 -0700 http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/phorum/read.php?22,113018,113018#msg-113018 http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/phorum/read.php?22,113018,113018#msg-113018
I always thought the guy was a loser, but this is too low, even for him. The least he could have done was go to therapy with my cousin or something. He just up and announced he was leaving in June, and their 15 year old was informed the next day. The guy was gone in a week. I'm so twisted about seeing her suffer like this that I's just love to punch his lights out :~ - not that I would, but I'd like to. >:O

My cousin is a wreak. She says he hasn't been the warmest lately, but he just shut off around Easter and she couldn't get him to talk to her about what was bugging him. She says she thoughts he'd come back around, like most of us do after a cool relationship period, but no.

I know this is judgmental, but it is my opinion and I own it. I think this kind of exit is just cowardly, just plain emotional cowardliness.

He refused any counseling and was gone. He's always refused to look at himself. The worst part is their son has been at our house with my boys for the last month. He's lost but finding his way. :S

Thanks for being here because I just needed to put these feelings somewhere. (tu)]]> Jimmy Cyber-affairsThu, 20 Nov 2008 04:34:07 -0800 http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/phorum/read.php?22,109107,109107#msg-109107 http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/phorum/read.php?22,109107,109107#msg-109107What happened was that I started to read David Icke material and I ended up joining his forum. I have nothing against the man, but it feels so addictive, and as a mother very damaging for my home life.
Apparently the fms are so abusive and bullying this is what got me away, but I have had all the danger signs. Once, this is true, I even logged on at 4 am in the morning. Thankfully I have not visited cos I am banned, and ironically that has been the best thing for me.
This addiction has only just flared up since Set 07 to Dec 07, and I am aware of the danger signs.
Anyone felt addicted to a forum, and doesn't some people seem like real life persons.]]> mrs tiswas Cyber-affairsFri, 29 Feb 2008 10:49:58 -0800 http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/phorum/read.php?22,108207,108207#msg-108207 http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/phorum/read.php?22,108207,108207#msg-108207SL is all about sex and no one considers it cheating, but in my opinion it sure is, I don't go near the married guys. I do talk to them though and they all say "my wife doesn't love me, want me, have sex with me, care about me", as though that justifies what they do. When you have sex on SL it is two beautiful, perfect avatars that look real, and now you can even talk to each other. So sex becomes a powerful fantasy and I can understand that men,, and women can get so caught up in it that their SL becomes more than their RL. If I had a partner I would cancel SL and make sure he wasn't on it either, it has destroyed marriages and relationships. I think it is OK for 2 consenting adults to do whatever they want without censorship, but it is addicting and very scary, if your relationship is having problems, this can be an escape that is way too real.
I am posting this just in case you are not aware of it and I'd be happy to answer any questions...just be aware what your partner is doing and what they really need, and what you need too.]]> Carole923 Cyber-affairsSat, 26 Jan 2008 12:27:21 -0800 http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/phorum/read.php?22,107091,107091#msg-107091 http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/phorum/read.php?22,107091,107091#msg-107091 lexmer Cyber-affairsSat, 26 Jan 2008 12:25:55 -0800 http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/phorum/read.php?22,106602,106602#msg-106602 http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/phorum/read.php?22,106602,106602#msg-106602I thought I just had a cyber problem, so I was posting on that forum. I now realize that I should be posting here. If you care to, go to the other forum & look for my post. It would help me get started here. Thanks.]]> Dawn Marie Cyber-affairsSun, 23 Mar 2008 19:29:27 -0700 http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/phorum/read.php?22,106584,106584#msg-106584 http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/phorum/read.php?22,106584,106584#msg-106584Can someone answer this question for me? I know that there can be some strange junk mail come through on to a person's email BUT would you consider a returned email a piece of junk or scam? Let me expand: My husband received an email informing him that his email didn't go through. I didn't like the subject on the undelivered email (which raises a lot of questions). He said that he's been getting all kinds of junk coming through. But this undelivered email had his name & email on it. Am I stupid? Is this type of junk email possible? Oh, by the way, the other junk email referred to is Viagra (& similar stuff) advertising coming from various girl's emails.]]> Dawn Marie Cyber-affairsTue, 26 Feb 2008 21:10:43 -0800 http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/phorum/read.php?22,106469,106469#msg-106469 http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/phorum/read.php?22,106469,106469#msg-106469
I read an article this past weekend about a guy who has a second wife, job etc on that website.

What a break from reality!!! It seems as though his real life wife doesn't think too highly of his online activities ::o ::o]]> Joanne Cyber-affairsFri, 29 Feb 2008 09:42:14 -0800 http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/phorum/read.php?22,106230,106230#msg-106230 http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/phorum/read.php?22,106230,106230#msg-106230
I am posting because I am in need of assistance. Unlike many of the ladies which have posted here, my wife really has a hard time wanting to have a steady, vibrant, sexual, intimate relationship. This has progressed to the point where, although I have never engaged in a cyber affair (or any affair), I sure do think about it. Not only are my needs physical, they are emotional as well ...... and bottom line she either is too tired and/or lazy to want to go there. When we do have sex (once or twice a month), I believe she enjoys it quite a bit (I have asked her point blank if she has ever faked an orgasm just to do her part and she vehementely says no -- I believe her), so I don't think there is a problem there. The thing I would offer up as a primary cause is that she grew up in a home where being expressive and demonstrative towards one another just didn't happen much. That is now having some ramifications, as currently she does not speak to her folks, and I see no indication of that changing (to her credit, her mother and dad live in the absolute middle of nowhere in central Texas where her mom houses and cares for, no kidding, 10 dogs and 50 cats --- truly, this woman is a piece of work).

At the end of the day, I hire maids, I hire a lady to do the laundry, I am a hands on dad, I try and give her breaks by taking the kids -- things I am thinking alot of you ladies would appreciate -- but at the end of the day, I just don't see her really wanting to help me where my love languages are, and I gotta tell you, it's not good. I don't want to become the next porn addict, cybersex guy, phone sex junkie, etc., but the hard cold fact is, I have some sincerely strong needs, and we're not getting anywhere. My intent in posting this is to see if any of you might offer suggestions as to how to proceed, or what might be helpful.]]> Michael Cyber-affairsMon, 20 Aug 2007 18:02:30 -0700 http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/phorum/read.php?22,105151,105151#msg-105151 http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/phorum/read.php?22,105151,105151#msg-105151
He wrote his parody over 20 years ago, and the New Yorker commented on it. I'll post that later. This is Dr. Goldberg's most recent comment on his original parody:
_____

At 06:43 AM Friday 6/22/2007 -0400, Ivan Goldberg wrote:

I posted in the Internet a parody of a DSM disorder that I called Internet Addictive disorder. See: [www.psycom.net] [and [www.psycom.net]].

I recently wrote the following preface for a book that is being written in China.

Over twenty years ago, I posted to the Internet a parody of the criteria used to define a disorder in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) of the American Psychiatric Association. The factitious illness I created for the parody was called Internet Addictive Disorder. the disorder I described was factitious with improbable symptoms such as involuntary typing movement when deprived of access to the Internet. There are, however, many people who damage themselves, and sometime those involved with them by the excessive amounts of time they devote to computer games and the Internet.

There is nothing addicting about card playing, gambling, or the Internet. People can overuse any of these modalities to try to deal with their depression, anxiety, or lack of social skills. Just as mental health professionals diagnose “Pathological Gambling” in people who gamble excessively and suffer harm from such excess, those who overuse the Internet should be diagnosed with “Pathological Internet Use Disorder.”

There are millions of people throughout the world who overuse computers. Their overuse all often severely damages their ability to function at school, work, in social settings, and at home. Their overuse of computers and the Internet is frequently a symptom of an Axis I disorder such as Major Depressive Disorder, Social Phobia, or Asperger’s Disorder, or of an Axis II disorder such as Avoidant or Schizoid Personality Disorders.

In my clinical work, I have found that successful biopsychosocial treatment of the primary disorder leads to normalization of computer/Internet use in individuals with excessive computer/Internet use. Unlike alcoholism, which is a disorder that clinicians must specifically treat, excessive computer/Internet use is a symptom that disappears, with no symptom substitution, when the disorder of which it is a symptom resolves.

I am delighted that Dr. Xiaodong Yue, my friend from China, and his colleagues are writing a book on understanding and controlling excessive computer/Internet use in China, I understand that this book is the first comprehensive book on this topic ever written in China. I congratulate the authors’ efforts in writing this important book and wish them the best in their endeavor.

We should all remember that like fire, computers and the Internet are good servants but poor masters.

Ivan K. Goldberg, M.D.
New York, New York
June, 2007]]> Jimmy Cyber-affairsTue, 10 Jul 2007 04:46:52 -0700 http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/phorum/read.php?22,104913,104913#msg-104913 http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/phorum/read.php?22,104913,104913#msg-104913 soulmate Cyber-affairsMon, 14 Jul 2008 08:17:04 -0700 http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/phorum/read.php?22,103386,103386#msg-103386 http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/phorum/read.php?22,103386,103386#msg-103386 BWH Cyber-affairsWed, 25 Apr 2007 10:52:42 -0700 http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/phorum/read.php?22,102414,102414#msg-102414 http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/phorum/read.php?22,102414,102414#msg-102414 janey Cyber-affairsMon, 11 Jun 2007 02:46:11 -0700 http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/phorum/read.php?22,101849,101849#msg-101849 http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/phorum/read.php?22,101849,101849#msg-101849
I have never had an affair and I never want to...I thought my wife felt the same way until the Summer of 04 I began to sense a problem...I found some software that showed me what she was doing online and put it on the computer...My advice to anyone who is thinking about doing that is to be sure you really want to know...What I found was worse than I could have ever possibly imagined....I guess I was very naive.

It has been more than two years since my wife had what started out as a cyber affair with dozens of men,then went to phone sex with about 8-10 and an actual "packed her bags and left to go be with him" affair with one guy...After a very short time, he kicked her out and she came back home (we have 4 kids)!

I was crushed and completely melting down emotionally but I still loved her and still do today!...I took her back!

Over the years some of the trust has come back and she has repeatedly assured me it is all out of her system and she will never cheat again in any fashion.

I want to believe her and I am trying but occasionally something will happen and I will feel the pain rise up and the panic sweep over me...This usually results in me getting parinoid and an arguement ensues...Sometimes I feel I have had real concerns given what I have been through...Sometimes I know I have been out of line!

She has no idea why I am still not over this...THIS concerns me...It makes me think that if she is so cold about what happened then perhaps it would happen again...It never seems to occur to her to be grateful that we are still together and I didn't divorce her...She acts as though I had no choice but to take her back.

I really have overreacted several times and this leads to concern that I will cause her to relapse by putting so much pressure on her...During these short periods of time I am sure you would say I am no fun to live with...Nobody likes to be falsely accused.

For those of you who have recovered from a cyber/phone sex/real physical affair by your spouse, how long did it take for you to feel healed?

I want to be healed but 2 years plus hasn't been enough!

I know each person is different but I want to know when the pain will stop?

How long did it take for you to completely forgive, forget, move on and stop hurting?

Thanks for any feed back... I could sure use some encouragement and so could she...She wants me to be healed too!]]> dirksteel Cyber-affairsSat, 26 Jan 2008 12:21:11 -0800 http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/phorum/read.php?22,101842,101842#msg-101842 http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/phorum/read.php?22,101842,101842#msg-101842
I would like to type in some of the screen names used by the men who had affairs with my wife and see if they have been reported...I would like to see if SHE has been reported...I would like them all to know it still hurts me!

After 2+ years, it still hurts...We are still married but there are days it still kills me and it all started with cyber sex.

Thanks.]]> dirksteel Cyber-affairsFri, 02 Mar 2007 12:26:06 -0800 http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/phorum/read.php?22,101242,101242#msg-101242 http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/phorum/read.php?22,101242,101242#msg-101242
Now, I got married when I was 22. I swore to myself that I would stop when I got married, and I did for a time. But it was too tempting and I went back to it. I didn't get into as many encounters, but I did develop an intense relationship with one particular girl. She was the only one who knew the real me; my real name, my martial status, etc. In addition to the intense online sexual relationship, we developed an emotional one as well. It got pretty intense as well. We told each other that we loved each other, but we weren't "in love", if that makes sense. Anyways, she had a very serious boyfriend as well, and we both felt a lot of guilt about what we were doing, but we couldn't stop. She finally just broke it off and stopped responding to my emails. I was hurt at the time, but I know that it is for the best.

Since then, I have had some scattered encounters here and there, but nothing emotional, just sexual. My wife knew that I had a close friendship that I had admitted was probably too close with the aforementioned girl, but she did not know of the sexual stuff and the emotional intensity. Lying to my wife our entire relationship has killed me inside to the point that I developed shingles last year and am still physically ill. This past weekend, we were having a rather inocuous conversation in which she brought up the aforementioned girl, and at that point I decided to just spill everything. I told her the whole story.

Aside from this, my wife and I have amazing communication and openness, and I just couldn't bear to lie to her anymore. My question now is, where do we go from here? I'm concerned that I may be addicted to this. I've set up an appointment through my work's EAP to see a counselor individually, and my wife and I are exploring options for marriage counseling. I'm also going to go to a support group that my church has for addiction to online pornography. I want to get help for myself to make sure I don't do this anymore, but I also want to repair the damage I've done to our marriage. Do any of you who have been in this situation have any advice? She is obviously incredibly upset but is also being unbelievably supportive and committed to working through this. She is an amazing woman.

By the way, if anyone is going to respond telling me that I shouldn't have told her, save your time, because I'm not interested in hearing it. It was the right thing to do, and even if it wasn't, it's too late to do anything about it now.]]> Treach112 Cyber-affairsSat, 16 Dec 2006 02:54:23 -0800 http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/phorum/read.php?22,99448,99448#msg-99448 http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/phorum/read.php?22,99448,99448#msg-99448 Petra Cyber-affairsFri, 02 Feb 2007 19:21:40 -0800 http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/phorum/read.php?22,99192,99192#msg-99192 http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/phorum/read.php?22,99192,99192#msg-99192
Here's an eye-opening article about cyber-stalking. While it may be a bit technical, I am sure a lot of readers here can wade through it and get something beneficial from the reading.

CK - you might be interested to note that Reid Meloy is cited in this summary article.

I also find the author's attempt at offering classification of cyber-stalkers to be a good first try.

Jimmy
~~~~

Cyber Stalking: A Global Menace in the

Information Super Highway*

By K. Jaishankar** and V. Uma Sankary ***

Abstract

Cyber stalking is a new form of computer related crime occurring in our society. Cyber stalking is when a person is followed and pursued on line. Their privacy is invaded, their every move watched. It is a form of harassment that can disrupt the life of the victim and leave them feeling very afraid and threatened. Cyber Stalking usually occurs with women, who are stalked by men, or children who are stalked by adult predators or pedophiles. Cyber stalkers need not have to leave their home to find, or harass their targets, and has no fear of physical violence since they believe that they cannot be physically touched in cyberspace. They may be on the other side of the earth or a neighbor or even a relative. Their main targets are mostly females, and children, who are emotionally weak or unstable. Typically, the cyber stalker's victim is new on the web, and inexperienced with the rules of netiquette and internet safety. It is believed that over 75% of the victims are female, but sometimes men are also stalked. The figures are more on assumed basis and the actual figures can really never be known since most crimes of such natures go unreported. This theoretical analysis focuses on the typology of cyber stalking, typology of perpetrators and victims and research in cyber stalking.

______________________________________________________________________

Key Words: Cyber stalking; cyber crime; trends and issues; typology; victims; stalkers

______________________________________________________________________

Introduction:

The information superhighway is undergoing rapid growth in this new millennium. The Internet and other telecommunications technologies are promoting advances in virtually every aspect of society and every corner of the globe: fostering commerce, improving education and health care, promoting participatory democracy in the developed and developing countries, and facilitating communications among family and friends, whether across the street or around the world. Unfortunately, many of the attributes of this technology - low cost, ease of use, and anonymous nature, among others - make it an attractive medium for fraudulent scams, child sexual exploitation, and increasingly, a new concern known as "cyber stalking" (Attorney General Report, 1999).

Cyber stalking is the use of the Internet or other electronic means to stalk someone which may be a computer crime or harassment. This term is used interchangeably with online harassment and online abuse. A cyber stalker does not present a direct physical threat to a victim, but follows the victim's online activity to gather information and make threats or other forms of verbal intimidation. The anonymity of online interaction reduces the chance of identification and makes cyber stalking more common than physical stalking. Although cyber stalking might seem relatively harmless, it can cause victims psychological and emotional harm, and it may occasionally lead to actual stalking. Cyber stalking is becoming a common tactic in racism, and other expressions of bigotry and hate (National centre for victims of crime, 2003).

Cyber stalkers target and harass their victims via websites, chat rooms, discussion forums, open publishing websites (e.g. blogs and Indymedia) and email. The availability of free email and website space, as well as the anonymity provided by these chatrooms and forums, has contributed to the increase of cyber stalking as a form of harassment. Also contributing is that cyber stalking is as easy as doing a google search for someone's alias, real name, or email address (National centre for victims of crime, 2003).

Bocjj (2002) offers the following definition for cyber stalking:

"A group of behaviours in which an individual, group of individuals or organisation, uses information and communications technology to harass another individual, group of individuals or organisation. Such behaviours may include, but are not limited to, the transmission of threats and false accusations, damage to data or equipment, identity theft, data theft, computer monitoring, the solicitation of minors for sexual purposes and any form of aggression. Harassment is defined as a course of action that a reasonable person, in possession of the same information, would think causes another reasonable person to suffer emotional distress."

Typology of Cyber Stalking:

There are three primary ways in which cyber stalking is conducted (Ogilvie, 2000)

? Email Stalking: Direct communication through email.

? Internet Stalking: Global communication through the Internet.

? Computer Stalking: Unauthorised control of another person?s computer.

1. Email Stalking

While the most common forms of stalking in the physical world involve telephoning, sending mail, and actual surveillance (Burgess et al. 1997; Mullen et al. 1999; Tjaden 1997), cyber stalking can take many forms. Unsolicited email is one of the most common forms of harassment, including hate, obscene, or threatening mail. Other forms of harassment include sending the victim viruses or high volumes of electronic junk mail (spamming). It is important to note here that sending viruses or telemarketing solicitations alone do not constitute stalking. However, if these communications are repetitively sent in a manner which is designed to intimidate (that is, similar to the manner in which stalkers in the physical world send subscriptions to pornographic magazines), then they may constitute ?concerning behaviours? and hence be categorized as stalking (Ogilvie, 2000).

In many ways, stalking via email represents the closest replication of traditional stalking patterns. Given that the most common forms of stalking behavior are telephoning and sending mail, the adoption of email by stalkers is not surprising. As a medium, email incorporates the immediacy of a phone call and introduces the degree of separation entailed in a letter. It might be argued that email stalking is actually less invasive than phone calls because the victim can undermine the interaction by deleting, without opening, any suspicious or unsolicited messages. This argument does, however, deny the social meaning of email communication. As with telephone stalking, email harassment constitutes an uninvited and arguably threatening incursion into private space. As with stalking in the physical world, email stalking can result from an attempt to initiate a relationship, repair a relationship, or threaten and traumatize a person. Interestingly though, those cases which have been prosecuted have tended to fall into the latter category (Ogilvie, 2000).

2. Internet Stalking

As with stalking in the physical world, few examples of stalking are confined to one medium. While email stalking may be analogous to traditional stalking in some instances, it is not restricted to this format. Stalkers can more comprehensively use the Internet in order to slander and endanger their victims. In such cases, the cyber stalking takes on a public, rather than a private, dimension. What is particularly disturbing about this second form of cyber stalking is that it appears to be the most likely to spill over into ?physical space?. In these instances, cyber stalking is accompanied by traditional stalking behaviours such as threatening phone calls, vandalism of property, threatening mail, and physical attacks (Laughren 2000). As noted by Gilbert (1999): In real life, stalkers usually stalk in proximity to their victims?they want the victim to see them and know they are there?they feed on the victim?s reaction. On the internet, proximity takes on a new meaning (Ogilvie, 2000).

Obviously, there are important differences between the situation of someone who is regularly within shooting range of her or his stalker and someone who is being stalked from two thousand miles away. While the previous examples can be viewed as offensive and threatening, they can, nevertheless, be viewed as distinct from ?traditional? stalking in that they remain in cyber space. While emotional distress is (appropriately) acknowledged in most criminal sanctions, it is not considered as serious as actual physical threat. Thus, while links between stalking, domestic violence, and feticide have been empirically demonstrated ?in real life? (Burgess et al. 1997; Kurt 1995; McFarlane et al. 1999), much cyber stalking remains at the level of inducing emotional distress, fear, and apprehension. However, this is not to say that causing apprehension and fear should not be criminally sanctioned, or that the cyber and the real are somehow inherently or intrinsically disconnected (Ogilvie, 2000).

3. Computer Stalking

Whilst the first two categories of cyber stalking can ?spill over? into real world interactions, the ?distancing? quality of the cyber component of the interaction is, nevertheless, a defining feature of the interaction. If there is no movement into the real world, targets of the harassment are still able to buffer themselves from exposure to the stalker by avoiding parts of the Internet used by the stalker. The necessity to do this is of course an intrusion upon the rights of the individual, but it is at least a strategy that can be employed to obtain a degree of distance between the stalker and the victim. In the third category of cyber stalking, this defensive strategy is undermined by the stalker. In essence, the stalker exploits the workings of the Internet and the Windows operating system in order to assume control over the computer of the targeted victim (Ogilvie, 2000).

It is probably not widely recognized that an individual ?Windows based? computer connected to the Internet can be identified, and connected to, by another computer connected to the Internet. This ?connection? is not the ?link? via a third party characterizing typical Internet interactions; rather, it is a computer-to-computer connection allowing the interloper to exercise control over the computer of the target. At present, a reasonably high degree of computer ?savvy? is required to undertake this form of exploitation of the Internet and the Windows operating system. However, and inevitably, instructions on how to use the technologies in this way are available on the Internet. It is likely that progressively easier ?scripts? for the exercise will be made freely available for anyone so inclined to download. In practice, what this means is that individual computer users have a vastly reduced buffer between themselves and the stalker (Ogilvie, 2000).

A cyber stalker can communicate directly with their target as soon as the target computer connects in any way to the Internet. The stalker can assume control of the victim?s computer and the only defensive option for the victim is to disconnect and relinquish their current Internet ?address?. The situation is like discovering that anytime you pick up the phone, a stalker is on-line and in control of your phone. The only way to avoid the stalker is to disconnect the phone completely, and then reconnect with an entirely new number. Only one specific example of this technique was used in stalking. A woman received a message stating ?I?m going to get you?, the interloper then opened the woman?s CD-ROM drive in order to prove he had control of her computer (Karp 2000). More recent versions of this technology claim to enable real-time keystroke logging (the recording of every keystroke) and view the computer desktop in real time (Spring 1999). It is not difficult to hypothesize that such mechanisms would appear as highly desirable tools of control and surveillance for those engaging in cyber stalking (Ogilvie, 2000).

Typology of stalkers:

Cyber stalkers can be categorized into 5 types. A multi-axial typology was developed by Mullen et al. (1999) who @#$%& convicted stalkers in an Australian mental health unit. The axes included an examination of the stalkers? predominant motivation and the context in which stalking occurred, information about the nature of the prior relationship with the victim, and finally, a psychiatric diagnosis. They classified five types of stalkers:

? The rejected stalker has had an intimate relationship with the victim (although occasionally the victim may be a family member or close friend), and views the termination of the relationship as unacceptable. Their behavior is characterized by a mixture of revenge and desire for reconciliation.

? Intimacy seekers attempt to bring to fruition a relationship with a person who has engaged their desires, and who they may also mistakenly perceive reciprocates that affection.

? Incompetent suitors tend to seek to develop relationships but they fail to abide by social rules governing courtship. They are usually intellectually limited and/or socially incompetent.

? Resentful stalkers harass their victims with the specific intention of causing fear and apprehension out of a desire for retribution for some actual or supposed injury or humiliation.

? Predatory stalkers who stalk for information gathering purposes or fantasy rehearsal in preparation for a sexual attack.

The other types of stalkers are: (Bullyonline, 2002)

* Delusional stalker: this one has a history of mental illness which may include schizophrenia or manic depression. The schizophrenic stalker may have stopped taking his or her medication and now lives in a fantasy world composed of part reality and part delusion which he or she is unable to differentiate. If they're not careful, targets of the delusional stalker are likely to be sucked in to this fantasy world and start to have doubts about their own sanity, especially if the stalker is intelligent, and intermittently and seamlessly lucid and "normal".
* Erotomaniac: this stalker is also delusional and mentally ill and believes he or she is in love with you and will have created an entire relationship in their head.
* Harasser stalker: some stalker types like to be the centre of attention and may have an attention-seeking personality disorder; they may not be stalkers in the strict sense of the word but repeatedly pester anyone (especially anyone who is kind, vulnerable or inexperienced) who might be persuaded to pay them attention. If they exhibit symptoms of Munchausen Syndrome they may select a victim who they stalk by fabricating claims of harassment by this person against themselves.
* Love rats: These may not be stalkers in the strict sense of the word but they have many similar characteristics. Love rats surf the web with the intention of starting relationships and may have several simultaneous relationships. The targets of a cyber stalker may know little about the person they are talking to (other than what they've convincingly been fed) and be unaware of a trail of other targets past and present.
* Troll. The Troll's purpose is to be given more credibility than (s)he deserves, and to suck people into useless, pointless, never-ending, emotionally-draining, ranting discussions full of verbal loops and "word labyrinths", playing people against each other, hurting their feelings, and wasting their time and emotional energy.

Stalkers motivation: (Indianchild.com, 2000)

1) Sexual Harassment

This should not surprise anyone, especially women, since sexual harassment is also a very common experience offline. The internet reflects real life and consists of real people. It's not a separate, regulated or sanctified world. The very nature of anonymous communications also makes it easier to be a stalker on the internet than a stalker offline

2) Obsession for love

This could begin from an online romance, where one person halts the romance and the rejected lover cannot accept the end of the relationship. It could also be an online romance that moves to real life, only to break-up once the persons really meet. Sometimes, this obsession stalking can even start from real life and then move over to cyberspace. One of the problems with obsession stalking is that since it often starts as real romance, much personal information is shared between persons involved. This makes it easy for the cyber stalker to harass their victim. Some users online enjoy "breaking hearts" as a pastime, and so may well set up obsessions for their own enjoyment - games that they may later regret having played. Sometimes, an obsession can also be a fixation by a stranger on another user for no valid reason. Since these obsession stalkers live in a dream world, it is not always necessary for the target to have done anything to attract her (or his) attention in the first place. Obsession stalkers are usually jealous and possessive people. Death threats via email or through live chat messages are a manifestation of obsession stalking.

3) Revenge and Hate

This could be an argument that has gone out of hand, leading eventually to a hate and revenge relationship. Revenge vendettas are often the result of something you may have said or done online which may have offended someone. Vendettas often begin with arguments where you may have been rude to another user. Sometimes, hate cyber stalking is for no reason at all (out of the blue)- you will not know why you have been targeted nor what you have done, and you may not even know who it is who is doing this to you & even the cyber stalker does not know you. In fact you have not been individually targeted at all - you have been chosen as a random target by someone who does not know you !! This stalker may be using the net to let out his frustrations online.

4) Ego and Power Trips

These are harassers or stalkers online showing off their skills to themselves and their friends. They do not have any grudge against you - they are rather using you to 'show-off? their power to their friends or doing it just for fun and you have been unlucky enough to have been chosen. Most people who receive threats online imagine their harasser to be large and powerful. But in fact the threat may come from a child who does not really have any means of carrying out the physical threats made.

Victims of cyber stalking:

The Internet is becoming more of an entire family communication center, which is opening up many more victims to be stalked. The thing to remember is that a stalker is someone that wants to be in control. A stalker is not going to pick a victim that is equal to them. This keeps the victim submissive. The main targets are the "new to the Internet", females, children, emotionally unstable, etc. Someone new to being online is pretty easy to pick out of a crowd. They don't know the chat room lingo, by their profile info, lack of Internet knowledge, etc. Also the type of channel or chat room you enter may give it away that you are new. (Newbie Chats, Getting Started Tour, etc.) These are things stalkers pick up on pretty quickly. According Aftab (2004), 83% are female, but men are also stalked. Being dominated by men, so many more males than females online, and their quest for female companionship may be hard sought. This may leave them with a hurt male ego and being jilted he may want revenge (Aftab 2004). The US Justice Department estimates there could be hundreds of thousands of victims.

Our lack of knowledge also means that the harm suffered by victims of cyber stalking is often overlooked. Cyber stalking can involve behaviours that range from posting offensive messages to a victim, to physical attacks (Bocjj and McFarlane, 2002b). Sadly, some writers have suggested that cyber stalking is of little genuine concern and that those interested in the field are merely promoting hysteria. Petherick (1999), for example, seems to suggest that victims of cyber stalking suffer relatively little harm: "The effects of [cyber] stalking upon an individual may include behavioural, psychological and social aspects. Specific risks to the victim include a loss of personal safety, the loss of a job, sleeplessness, and a change in work or social habits." However, Bocjj, Griffiths and McFarlane (2002) describe several cases of cyber stalking that eventually resulted in some extremely serious outcomes, including murder.

The Characteristics of the victims of cyber stalking are:

? Male or female depending on the age group

? in 18 ? 32 year olds, females predominate

? Often involved in a real or imagined romantic or sexual relationship

? May be a member of a targeted minority group or special group

? ethnic, racial and religious minorities

? gays and lesbians

? cancer or other patients with serious illnesses

? adoptive or birth parents

? political or special interest group

The US department of justice and the National Center for Victims of Crime in United States suggests for the victims to:

* Victims who are under the age of 18 should tell their parents or another adult they trust about any harassments and/or threats.
* Experts suggest that in cases where the offender is known, victims should send the stalker a clear written warning. Specifically, victims should communicate that the contact is unwanted, and ask the perpetrator to cease sending communications of any kind. Victims should do this only once. Then, no matter the response, victims should under no circumstances ever communicate with the stalker again.
* Victims should save copies of this communication in both electronic and hard copy for If the harassment continues, the victim may wish to file a complaint with the stalker's Internet service provider, as well as with their own service provider.
* Many Internet service providers offer tools that filter or block communications from specific individuals.
* As soon as individuals suspect they are victims of online harassment or cyber stalking, they should start collecting all evidence and document all contact made by the stalker. Save all e-mail, postings, or other communications in both electronic and hard-copy form. If possible, save all of the header information from e-mails and newsgroup postings. Record the dates and times of any contact with the stalker.
* Victims may also want to start a log of each communication explaining the situation in more detail. Victims may want to document how the harassment is affecting their lives and what steps they have taken to stop the harassment.
* Victims may want to file a report with local law enforcement or contact their local prosecutor's office to see what charges, if any, can be pursued. Victims should save copies of police reports and record all contact with law enforcement officials and the prosecutor's office.
* Victims who are being continually harassed may want to consider changing their e-mail address, Internet service provider, a home phone number, and should examine the possibility of using encryption software or privacy protection programs. Any local computer store can offer a variety of protective software, options and suggestions. Victims may also want to learn how to use the filtering capabilities of email programs to block e-mails from certain addresses.
* Furthermore, victims should contact online directory listings such as www.four11.com, www.switchboard.com, and www.whowhere.com to request removal from their directory.
* Finally, under no circumstances should victims agree to meet with the perpetrator face to face to "work it out," or "talk." No contact should ever be made with the stalker. Meeting a stalker in person can be very dangerous (The National Center for Victims of Crime, 2003).

Research on Cyber Stalking:

The study of the demographics of stalking perpetrators provides some interesting information. For instance, stalkers are generally of a more mature age than other clinical and offender populations (Meloy, 1998; Harmon, Rosner & Owens, 1995; Mullen & Pathe, 1994; Zona, Sharma & Lane, 1993). Stalkers have usually attained a greater educational achievement than other types of offenders (Lloyd-Goldstein, 1998; Meloy, 1996) with 42% having finished some high school, 22% graduating high school, and 6% having graduated college (taken from the Harmon, Rosner & Owens, 1995 study). Ethnicity in this clinical population would appear to be predominantly non-white (52% black, 25% Hispanic, 9% unknown, and 0.4% oriental). Lloyd Goldstein (1998) states that perhaps as many as 10 % of stalking cases involve perpetrators who are foreign born; perhaps indicating that immigration is a risk factor in some stalking scenarios (Meloy, 1998).

The Centre for Disease Control conducted an extensive telephone survey, funded by the National Institute of Justice, of 8000 men and 8000 women inquiring about their experiences with stalking. Their results indicate that approximately 8% of [US] women and 2% of [US] men have been stalked at some time in their life. Also, that an estimated 1 million females and 0.4 million males are stalked in the US annually (Tjaden & Thoennes, 1997). Results of similar studies would suggest that the majority of stalking cases are heterosexual in nature, with less than 1% of these crimes occurring between homosexual persons. Meloy & Gothard (1995) found similar results among their study of forensic populations, with approximately 90% male perpetrators with female victims

(Petherick, 1999)

A study conducted by Aftab (2002) found that Cyber stalking is on the rise and women, senior citizens and children are the most likely targets. Women are also becoming a more likely cyber stalker, as well, with the percentage of known female cyberstalkers increasing from 25% to 40% in the last year. The other important finds of the study of Aftab (2002) are

? More women are cyber stalking others than ever before

? In some age groups, men are the greatest percentage of victims

? More children are cyber stalking each other

? Certain ethnic groups are being targeted, especially from the Middle East

? More people are cyber dating, and becoming victims of cyber stalking when things don?t work out

? Technology, such as trojan horses, are used more often than before...giving the cyberstalkers a remote control to your own computer!

? Law enforcement is taking action more often

? Most states now have laws criminalizing cyber stalking and harassment, up from only 16 states in 1998. (wiredsafety.org, 2004).

Bocjj (2003) was the first researcher to study exclusively on the prevalence and impact of cyber stalking. In this study, a web-based questionnaire was used to collect data from a group of respondents who were recruited by snowball sampling via e-mail. A total of 169 respondents completed the questionnaire. The results of the study found that approximately a third of respondents might be considered victims of cyber stalking. Furthermore, when asked to indicate the level of distress felt as a result of their experiences, almost a quarter of respondents chose a value of ten on a ten-point scale. The study also suggests a number of differences between cyber stalking and offline stalking, for instance cyber stalking tends to take place over a shorter period of time than offline stalking and cyber stalking victims are less likely to know the identify of their harassers. These differences add weight to the argument that cyber stalking should be seen as a new form of deviant behavior that can be distinguished from offline stalking. The work concludes by emphasizing a need for further research.

As a part of a large study on sexual victimization of college women, researchers at the University of Cincinnati conducted a national telephone survey of 4,446 randomly selected women attending two and four-year institutions of higher education. The survey was conducted during the 1996-97 academic year. In this survey, a stalking incident was defined as a case in which a respondent answered positively when asked if someone had "repeatedly followed you, watched you, phoned, written, e-mailed, or communicated with you in other ways that seemed obsessive and made you afraid or concerned for your safety." The study found that 581 women (13.1 percent) were stalked and reported a total of 696 stalking incidents; the latter figure exceeds the number of victims because 15 percent of the women experienced more than one case of stalking during the survey period. Of these 696 stalking incidents, 166 (24.7 percent) involved e-mail. Thus, 25 percent of stalking incidents among college women could be classified as involving cyber stalking (Attorney General Report, 1999).

Analysis of Incidence of cyber stalking:

Although there is no comprehensive, nationwide data on the extent of cyber stalking in the United States and other countries, some ISPs compile statistics on the number and types of complaints of harassment and/or threats involving their subscribers, and individual law enforcement agencies have compiled helpful statistics. There is, moreover, a growing amount of anecdotal and informal evidence on the nature and extent of cyber stalking. First, data on offline stalking may provide some insight into the scope of the cyber stalking problem. According to the most recent National Violence against Women Survey, which defines stalking as referring to instances where the victim felt a high level of fear: (US department of Justice, 1998)

It has been estimated that approximately 20,000 Americans are being stalked (D?Amico, 1997), and with somewhat more liberal estimates ranging as high as 200,000 (Jenson, 1996). Australian data from the Bureau of Statistics suggests that in 1997 more than 165,000 women over the age of 18 were stalked (Lancaster, 1998). Further estimates suggest that as many as one in 20 adults will be stalked in their lifetime and that up to 200,000 exhibit a stalkers traits (Tharp, 1992). Evidence collected by the Los Angeles District Attorney?s office suggests that of the 600 cases reviewed; roughly 20 % of them involved some form of electronic communication (L.A. Times, Saturday 23rd of January, 1999). Given the latter finding, there is sufficient evidence to warrant that electronic mediums are in fact providing the stalker with new avenues for the deliverance of their threat (Petherick, 1999).

In the United States, one out of every 12 women (8.2 million) and one out of every 45 men (2 million) have been stalked at some time in their lives.

? One percent of all women and 0.4 percent of all men were stalked during the preceding 12 months.

? Women are far more likely to be the victims of stalking than men - nearly four out of five stalking victims are women. Men are far more likely to be stalkers - 87 percent of the stalkers identified by victims in the survey were men.

? Women are twice as likely as men to be victims of stalking by strangers and eight times as likely to be victims of stalking by intimates.

In the United States, there are currently more than 80 million adults and 10 million children with access to the Internet. Assuming the proportion of cyber stalking victims is even a fraction of the proportion of persons who have been the victims of offline stalking within the preceding 12 months, there may be potentially tens or even hundreds of thousands of victims of recent cyber stalking incidents in the United States (Cyber angels, 2003). Although such a "back of the envelope" calculation is inherently uncertain and speculative (given that it rests on an assumption about very different populations), it does give a rough sense of the potential magnitude of the problem.

Second, anecdotal evidence from law enforcement agencies indicates that cyber stalking is a serious - and growing - problem. At the federal level, several dozen matters have been referred (usually by the FBI) to U.S. Attorney's Offices for possible action. A number of these cases have been referred to state and local law enforcement agencies because the conduct does not appear to violate federal law.

In addition, some local law enforcement agencies are beginning to see cases of cyber stalking. For example, the Los Angeles District Attorney's Office estimates that e-mail or other electronic communications were a factor in approximately 20 percent of the roughly 600 cases handled by its Stalking and Threat Assessment Unit. The chief of the Sex Crimes Unit in the Manhattan District Attorney's Office also estimates that about 20 percent of the cases handled by the unit involve cyber stalking. The Computer Investigations and Technology Unit of the New York City Police Department estimates that almost 40 percent of the caseload in the unit involves electronic threats and harassment -- and virtually all of these have occurred in the past three or four years. Third, ISPs also are receiving a growing number of complaints about harassing and threatening behavior online. One major ISP receives approximately 15 complaints per month of cyber stalking, in comparison to virtually no complaints of cyber stalking just one or two years ago.

Cyber-stalking has attracted much concern in the US, and 17 states have reportedly passed laws against on-line stalking or harassment. The first temporary restraining order on an on-line stalker was issued by a court in Texas in October 1996; the individual had been harassing the employees of a Dallas-based ISP. And the first prison sentence for an e-mail hate crime was handed out in May 1998. A student in California was convicted of violating the civil rights of 59 students by sending racially-targeted threats to them in 1996; he was sentenced to one year?s imprisonment.

Vicious on-line statements and rumors may be used against the victim. Two especially nasty cases have reportedly occurred in the US. In 1997, someone allegedly posted a child?s name, age and phone number on 14 pedophile chatrooms, giving false sexual messages which led pedophiles to call on the girl?s home. In January 1999, a Californian man was arrested after allegedly impersonating a woman (who had spurned his advances) on the Net. He, posing as she, is believed to have placed an advert on a bulletin board, seeking male partners to live out a gang rape fantasy and giving (the woman?s) name, address and telephone number, and even instructions on how to bypass her house?s burglar alarm. Several men responded to the advert with phone calls and visits to the woman?s home.

A Novell survey conducted in United Kingdom in 1998 (of 810 people using e-mail at work) found that half the sample had received unwanted e-mail from a persistent sender. 35% of the offensive messages comprised unsolicited pornography. To date, however, there have been no known criminal cases in the UK concerning cyber-stalking. However, as Net usage grows, NCIS @#$%& that occurrences of harassment will escalate. In an Australian case, an older male stalked a young boy, following him with a camera and placing updates of his activities on his personal website, including descriptions of his (the offender?s) pedophilia and of his potential dangerousness to those who threatened him. The offender was charged with stalking (R v Vose [1999] VSCA 200).

In India's first case of cyber stalking, Manish Kathuria was recently arrested by the New Delhi Police. He was stalking an Indian lady, Ms Ritu Kohli by illegally chatting on the Web site MIRC using her name. He used obscene and obnoxious language, and distributed her residence telephone number, inviting people to chat with her on the phone. As a result of which, Ritu kept getting obscene calls from everywhere, and people promptly talked dirty with her. In a state of shock, she called the Delhi police and reported the matter. For once, the police department did not waste time swinging into action, traced the culprit and slammed a case under Section 509 of the Indian Penal Code for outraging the modesty of Ritu Kohli (Indianchild, 2005). In an other case, an engineering and management graduate, facing prosecution in a dowry harassment case, was arrested by Delhi police for sending obscene e-mails in his wife?s name to several persons (Mishra, 2001) In June 2000, a man was arrested by the Delhi police for assuming the identify of his ex-employer?s wife in a chat channel an encouraging others to telephone net. The victim who was getting obscene telephone calls at night from stranger made a complaint to the police. The accused was then located ?on line? in the chat room under the identity of the, victim and later traced through the telephone number used by him to access the internet (Mishra,2001).

Conclusion:

It is estimated that there are about 2,00,000 real-life stalkers in United States alone. Roughly one in 1,250 persons is a stalker - and that is a large ratio. Of course, no one knows the truth, since the Internet is such a vast medium, but these figures are as close as it gets to giving statistics. Out of the estimated 79 million population worldwide on the internet at any given time, we could find 63,000 internet stalkers traveling the information superhighway, stalking approximately 4,74,000 victims. As the Internet continues to grow, problems like cyber stalking will continue to grow. With the Internet being integrated into almost every part of human life, it is not a solution to simply suggest that turning off your computer will solve the problem. Internet users must learn to protect themselves from the dangers of Internet based crimes, such as cyber stalking. It is becoming apparent that anyone, including man, woman, or child can become a victim (Medlin, 2002). The more serious examples given within this paper have shown that cyber stalking may represent a serious threat to society (Boccj, 2002).

Jurisdictions across the globe are now beginning to take legal action against stalking behavior, recognizing it as a public problem which merits attention. The effects of stalking upon an individual may include behavioural, psychological and social aspects. Specific risks to the victim include a loss of personal safety, the loss of a job, sleeplessness, and a change in work or social habits. These effects have the potential to produce a large drain on both criminal justice resources and the health care system, and it is therefore in the best interests of the authorities to take swift action when cases are presented to them. While the behavior of stalking is not new, its recognition in legal and academic circles is still in its infancy. Only through the continued study of the problem will we be better equipped to deal with particular cases once they are presented. Through the continued study and exposure of stalking (and by extension, Cyber stalking), will investigators and clinicians be better prepared to deal with its consequences and effects (Petherick, 1999).

References:

Bocjj Paul (2003). Victims of cyber stalking: An exploratory study of harassment perpetrated via the Internet First Monday, volume 8, number 10 (October 2003),
URL: [firstmonday.org]

Bocjj Paul (2002). Corporate Cyber stalking: An Invitation to Build Theory
First Monday, volume 7, number 11 (November 2002),
URL: [firstmonday.org]

Bocjj P.and L. McFarlane, 2002a. "Online harassment: Towards a definition of cyber stalking," Prison Service Journal, number 139, pp. 31-38.

Burgess, A., Baker, T., Greening, D., Hartman, C., Burgess, A., Douglas, J. and Halloran, R. 1997, ?Stalking Behaviours Within Domestic Violence?, Journal of Family Violence, vol. 12, no. 4, pp. 389?403.

D?Amico, M. (1997). "The laws -vs- online stalking." Netguide Magazine

Gilbert, P. 1999, ?On Space, Sex and Stalkers?, Women and Performance, vol. 17, pp. 1?18.

Harmon, R.B., Rosner, R., & Owens, H. (1995). "Obsessional harassment and erotomania in a criminal court population." Journal of Forensic Sciences, 40 (2), p. 188 - 196

[www.bullyonline.org]


[www.cyberangels.org]

Indianchild.Com (2005) Cyber Crime in India : Cyber Stalking - Online harassment. [www.indianchild.com]

Jenson, B. (1996). Cyber stalking: Crime, enforcement and personal responsibility in the on-line world. [www.law.ucla.edu]

Kurt, J. 1995, ?Stalking as a Variant of Domestic Violence?, Bulletin of the American Academy of Psychiatry and Law, vol. 23, no. 2, pp. 219?30.

Lancaster, J. (1998). Cyber-stalkers: The Scariest Growth Crime of the 90?s is Now Rife on the Net. The Weekend Australian, June 20 -21

Laughren, J. 2000, ?Cyber stalking Awareness and Education?. [www.acs.ucalgary.ca]

Lloyd - Goldstein, R. (1998). D?Clerembault On-Line: A Survey of Erotomania and Stalking from the Old World to the World Wide Web. In Meloy, J.R. (1998). The Psychology of Stalking: Clinical and Forensic Perspectives. San Diego, California: Academic Press

McFarlane Leroy and Paul Bocij (2003). An exploration of predatory behavior in cyberspace: Towards a typology of cyberstalkers First Monday, volume 8, number 9 (September 2003), URL: [firstmonday.org]

McFarlane, J., Campbell, J.C., Wilt, S., Sachs, C., Ulrich, Y. and Xu, X. 1999, ?Stalking and Intimate Partner Femicide?, HomicideStudies, vol. 3, no. 4, pp. 300?16.

Medlin Amanda N. (2002) Stalking to Cyber stalking, a Problem Caused by the Internet, Law and the Internet, Fall 2002 papers, Georgia State University College of Law, 140 Decatur St., Atlanta, Georgia 30303 [gsulaw.gsu.edu]

Meloy, J. and Gothard, S. 1995, ?A Demographic and Clinical Comparison of obsessional Followers and Offenders with Mental Disorders?, American Journal of Psychiatry, vol. 152, pp. 258?63.

Meloy, J.R. (1996). "Stalking (obsessional following): A review of Some Preliminary Studies. Aggression and Violent Behavior, 1 (2), p. 147 - 162.

Meloy, J.R. (1998). In Meloy, J.R. (1998). "The Psychology of Stalking: Clinical and Forensic Perspectives. San Diego, California: Academic Press

Meloy, J.R., & Gothard, S. (1995). "Demographic and Clinical Comparison of Obsessional Followers and Offenders with Mental Disorders. American Journal of Psychiatry, 152 (2), p. 258 - 26

Mishra RC (2001). Crime Trends and Criminal Justice. Author?s Press: Delhi

Mullen, P.E. (1997). "Erotomanias: (Pathologies of Love) and Stalking." Directions in Mental Health Counseling, 7 (3), p. 3 - 15.

Mullen, P.E., & Path?, M. (1994). "The Pathological Extensions of Love." The British Journal of Psychiatry, 165, p. 614 ? 623

Mullen P.E., M. Path?, R. Purcell, and G.W. Stuart, 1999. "A study of stalkers," American Journal of Psychiatry, volume 156, pp. 1244-1249.

National Victim Centre (1998a). New York Penal Section 240.25. Harassment in the First Degree. Available online from [www.nvc.org]

National Victim Centre (1998b). California Penal Code 646.9. Stalking. Available online from [www.nvc.org]

Petherick, W. 1999. "Cyber-stalking: Obsessional pursuit and the digital criminal," at [www.crimelibrary.com],

Spring, T. 1999, ?Hacker Tool Targets Windows NT?, PC World.com [www.pcworld.com] pcwtoday/article/ 0,1510,11662,00.html

Tharp, M. (1992). "In the mind of a stalker." U.S. News and World Report, February 17, v112, p. 28 (3)

Tjaden, P. 1997, ?The Crime of Stalking: How Big is the Problem??, National Institute of

Tjaden, P., & Thoennes, N. (1997). Stalking in America: Findings from the National Violence Against Women Survey. Colorado: Centre for Policy Research

U.S. Department of Justice (1998). "Stalking in America: Findings from the National Violence Against Women Survey," U.S. Department of Justice, Office of Justice Programs, and Department of Health and Human Services, Center for Disease Control and Prevention, April 1998

U.S. Department of Justice. (August 1999). Cyber stalking: A New Challenge for Law Enforcement and Industry -- A Report from the Attorney General to the Vice President. Washington, DC: U.S. Department of Justice, Available at [www.usdoj.gov]

Zona, M.A., Sharma, K.K., & Lane, M.D. (1993). "A Comparative Study of Erotomanic and Obsessional Subjects in a Forensic Sample. Journal of Forensic Sciences, 38, p. 894 ? 903

______________________________________________________________________*Revised version of the Paper presented in the 29th All India Criminology Conference, during 16-18, 2006 at Madurai Kamaraj University, Madurai, India.

ABOUT THE AUTHORS

**Dr. K. Jaishankar is a Lecturer in the Department of Criminology and Criminal Justice, Manonmaniam Sundaranar University, Tirunelveli, India. He received his Ph.D. in Criminology from the University of Madras, Chennai, India. His research interests include Communal violence, Crime mapping, GIS, Cyber Crimes, Theoretical Criminology, Policing, Crime prevention, and Victimology. Please send correspondence to Department of Criminology and Criminal Justice, Manonmaniam Sundaranar University, Abhishekapatti, Tirunelveli, Tamil Nadu 627 012 India. email: debajai@hotmail.com

***Ms. V. Uma Sankary is presently in the final year of the Master?s programme in Criminology and Criminal Justice Science, at the Department of Criminology and Criminal Justice, Manonmaniam Sundaranar University, Tirunelveli, India. Her current research interests include Victimology, Violent Crimes and Crime against women.

******]]> Jimmy Cyber-affairsWed, 25 Oct 2006 09:43:34 -0700 http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/phorum/read.php?22,98879,98879#msg-98879 http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/phorum/read.php?22,98879,98879#msg-98879 Lily Cyber-affairsWed, 25 Oct 2006 09:35:53 -0700 http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/phorum/read.php?22,98427,98427#msg-98427 http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/phorum/read.php?22,98427,98427#msg-98427
It points to the dangers involved with people who innocently get involved with cyber-romance, and then suddenly realize they are being stalked by their online-lover:

Jimmy
~~~~

Cyber Stalking: A Global Menace in the

Information Super Highway*

By K. Jaishankar** and V. Uma Sankary ***

Abstract

Cyber stalking is a new form of computer related crime occurring in our society. Cyber stalking is when a person is followed and pursued on line. Their privacy is invaded, their every move watched. It is a form of harassment that can disrupt the life of the victim and leave them feeling very afraid and threatened. Cyber Stalking usually occurs with women, who are stalked by men, or children who are stalked by adult predators or pedophiles. Cyber stalkers need not have to leave their home to find, or harass their targets, and has no fear of physical violence since they believe that they cannot be physically touched in cyberspace. They may be on the other side of the earth or a neighbor or even a relative. Their main targets are mostly females, and children, who are emotionally weak or unstable. Typically, the cyber stalker's victim is new on the web, and inexperienced with the rules of netiquette and internet safety. It is believed that over 75% of the victims are female, but sometimes men are also stalked. The figures are more on assumed basis and the actual figures can really never be known since most crimes of such natures go unreported. This theoretical analysis focuses on the typology of cyber stalking, typology of perpetrators and victims and research in cyber stalking.

______________________________________________________________________

Key Words: Cyber stalking; cyber crime; trends and issues; typology; victims; stalkers

______________________________________________________________________

Introduction:

The information superhighway is undergoing rapid growth in this new millennium. The Internet and other telecommunications technologies are promoting advances in virtually every aspect of society and every corner of the globe: fostering commerce, improving education and health care, promoting participatory democracy in the developed and developing countries, and facilitating communications among family and friends, whether across the street or around the world. Unfortunately, many of the attributes of this technology - low cost, ease of use, and anonymous nature, among others - make it an attractive medium for fraudulent scams, child sexual exploitation, and increasingly, a new concern known as "cyber stalking" (Attorney General Report, 1999).

Cyber stalking is the use of the Internet or other electronic means to stalk someone which may be a computer crime or harassment. This term is used interchangeably with online harassment and online abuse. A cyber stalker does not present a direct physical threat to a victim, but follows the victim's online activity to gather information and make threats or other forms of verbal intimidation. The anonymity of online interaction reduces the chance of identification and makes cyber stalking more common than physical stalking. Although cyber stalking might seem relatively harmless, it can cause victims psychological and emotional harm, and it may occasionally lead to actual stalking. Cyber stalking is becoming a common tactic in racism, and other expressions of bigotry and hate (National centre for victims of crime, 2003).

Cyber stalkers target and harass their victims via websites, chat rooms, discussion forums, open publishing websites (e.g. blogs and Indymedia) and email. The availability of free email and website space, as well as the anonymity provided by these chatrooms and forums, has contributed to the increase of cyber stalking as a form of harassment. Also contributing is that cyber stalking is as easy as doing a google search for someone's alias, real name, or email address (National centre for victims of crime, 2003).

Bocjj (2002) offers the following definition for cyber stalking:

"A group of behaviours in which an individual, group of individuals or organisation, uses information and communications technology to harass another individual, group of individuals or organisation. Such behaviours may include, but are not limited to, the transmission of threats and false accusations, damage to data or equipment, identity theft, data theft, computer monitoring, the solicitation of minors for sexual purposes and any form of aggression. Harassment is defined as a course of action that a reasonable person, in possession of the same information, would think causes another reasonable person to suffer emotional distress."

Typology of Cyber Stalking:

There are three primary ways in which cyber stalking is conducted (Ogilvie, 2000)

? Email Stalking: Direct communication through email.

? Internet Stalking: Global communication through the Internet.

? Computer Stalking: Unauthorised control of another person?s computer.

1. Email Stalking

While the most common forms of stalking in the physical world involve telephoning, sending mail, and actual surveillance (Burgess et al. 1997; Mullen et al. 1999; Tjaden 1997), cyber stalking can take many forms. Unsolicited email is one of the most common forms of harassment, including hate, obscene, or threatening mail. Other forms of harassment include sending the victim viruses or high volumes of electronic junk mail (spamming). It is important to note here that sending viruses or telemarketing solicitations alone do not constitute stalking. However, if these communications are repetitively sent in a manner which is designed to intimidate (that is, similar to the manner in which stalkers in the physical world send subscriptions to pornographic magazines), then they may constitute ?concerning behaviours? and hence be categorized as stalking (Ogilvie, 2000).

In many ways, stalking via email represents the closest replication of traditional stalking patterns. Given that the most common forms of stalking behavior are telephoning and sending mail, the adoption of email by stalkers is not surprising. As a medium, email incorporates the immediacy of a phone call and introduces the degree of separation entailed in a letter. It might be argued that email stalking is actually less invasive than phone calls because the victim can undermine the interaction by deleting, without opening, any suspicious or unsolicited messages. This argument does, however, deny the social meaning of email communication. As with telephone stalking, email harassment constitutes an uninvited and arguably threatening incursion into private space. As with stalking in the physical world, email stalking can result from an attempt to initiate a relationship, repair a relationship, or threaten and traumatize a person. Interestingly though, those cases which have been prosecuted have tended to fall into the latter category (Ogilvie, 2000).

2. Internet Stalking

As with stalking in the physical world, few examples of stalking are confined to one medium. While email stalking may be analogous to traditional stalking in some instances, it is not restricted to this format. Stalkers can more comprehensively use the Internet in order to slander and endanger their victims. In such cases, the cyber stalking takes on a public, rather than a private, dimension. What is particularly disturbing about this second form of cyber stalking is that it appears to be the most likely to spill over into ?physical space?. In these instances, cyber stalking is accompanied by traditional stalking behaviours such as threatening phone calls, vandalism of property, threatening mail, and physical attacks (Laughren 2000). As noted by Gilbert (1999): In real life, stalkers usually stalk in proximity to their victims?they want the victim to see them and know they are there?they feed on the victim?s reaction. On the internet, proximity takes on a new meaning (Ogilvie, 2000).

Obviously, there are important differences between the situation of someone who is regularly within shooting range of her or his stalker and someone who is being stalked from two thousand miles away. While the previous examples can be viewed as offensive and threatening, they can, nevertheless, be viewed as distinct from ?traditional? stalking in that they remain in cyber space. While emotional distress is (appropriately) acknowledged in most criminal sanctions, it is not considered as serious as actual physical threat. Thus, while links between stalking, domestic violence, and feticide have been empirically demonstrated ?in real life? (Burgess et al. 1997; Kurt 1995; McFarlane et al. 1999), much cyber stalking remains at the level of inducing emotional distress, fear, and apprehension. However, this is not to say that causing apprehension and fear should not be criminally sanctioned, or that the cyber and the real are somehow inherently or intrinsically disconnected (Ogilvie, 2000).

3. Computer Stalking

Whilst the first two categories of cyber stalking can ?spill over? into real world interactions, the ?distancing? quality of the cyber component of the interaction is, nevertheless, a defining feature of the interaction. If there is no movement into the real world, targets of the harassment are still able to buffer themselves from exposure to the stalker by avoiding parts of the Internet used by the stalker. The necessity to do this is of course an intrusion upon the rights of the individual, but it is at least a strategy that can be employed to obtain a degree of distance between the stalker and the victim. In the third category of cyber stalking, this defensive strategy is undermined by the stalker. In essence, the stalker exploits the workings of the Internet and the Windows operating system in order to assume control over the computer of the targeted victim (Ogilvie, 2000).

It is probably not widely recognized that an individual ?Windows based? computer connected to the Internet can be identified, and connected to, by another computer connected to the Internet. This ?connection? is not the ?link? via a third party characterizing typical Internet interactions; rather, it is a computer-to-computer connection allowing the interloper to exercise control over the computer of the target. At present, a reasonably high degree of computer ?savvy? is required to undertake this form of exploitation of the Internet and the Windows operating system. However, and inevitably, instructions on how to use the technologies in this way are available on the Internet. It is likely that progressively easier ?scripts? for the exercise will be made freely available for anyone so inclined to download. In practice, what this means is that individual computer users have a vastly reduced buffer between themselves and the stalker (Ogilvie, 2000).

A cyber stalker can communicate directly with their target as soon as the target computer connects in any way to the Internet. The stalker can assume control of the victim?s computer and the only defensive option for the victim is to disconnect and relinquish their current Internet ?address?. The situation is like discovering that anytime you pick up the phone, a stalker is on-line and in control of your phone. The only way to avoid the stalker is to disconnect the phone completely, and then reconnect with an entirely new number. Only one specific example of this technique was used in stalking. A woman received a message stating ?I?m going to get you?, the interloper then opened the woman?s CD-ROM drive in order to prove he had control of her computer (Karp 2000). More recent versions of this technology claim to enable real-time keystroke logging (the recording of every keystroke) and view the computer desktop in real time (Spring 1999). It is not difficult to hypothesize that such mechanisms would appear as highly desirable tools of control and surveillance for those engaging in cyber stalking (Ogilvie, 2000).

Typology of stalkers:

Cyber stalkers can be categorized into 5 types. A multi-axial typology was developed by Mullen et al. (1999) who @#$%& convicted stalkers in an Australian mental health unit. The axes included an examination of the stalkers? predominant motivation and the context in which stalking occurred, information about the nature of the prior relationship with the victim, and finally, a psychiatric diagnosis. They classified five types of stalkers:

? The rejected stalker has had an intimate relationship with the victim (although occasionally the victim may be a family member or close friend), and views the termination of the relationship as unacceptable. Their behavior is characterized by a mixture of revenge and desire for reconciliation.

? Intimacy seekers attempt to bring to fruition a relationship with a person who has engaged their desires, and who they may also mistakenly perceive reciprocates that affection.

? Incompetent suitors tend to seek to develop relationships but they fail to abide by social rules governing courtship. They are usually intellectually limited and/or socially incompetent.

? Resentful stalkers harass their victims with the specific intention of causing fear and apprehension out of a desire for retribution for some actual or supposed injury or humiliation.

? Predatory stalkers who stalk for information gathering purposes or fantasy rehearsal in preparation for a sexual attack.

The other types of stalkers are: (Bullyonline, 2002)

* Delusional stalker: this one has a history of mental illness which may include schizophrenia or manic depression. The schizophrenic stalker may have stopped taking his or her medication and now lives in a fantasy world composed of part reality and part delusion which he or she is unable to differentiate. If they're not careful, targets of the delusional stalker are likely to be sucked in to this fantasy world and start to have doubts about their own sanity, especially if the stalker is intelligent, and intermittently and seamlessly lucid and "normal".
* Erotomaniac: this stalker is also delusional and mentally ill and believes he or she is in love with you and will have created an entire relationship in their head.
* Harasser stalker: some stalker types like to be the centre of attention and may have an attention-seeking personality disorder; they may not be stalkers in the strict sense of the word but repeatedly pester anyone (especially anyone who is kind, vulnerable or inexperienced) who might be persuaded to pay them attention. If they exhibit symptoms of Munchausen Syndrome they may select a victim who they stalk by fabricating claims of harassment by this person against themselves.
* Love rats: These may not be stalkers in the strict sense of the word but they have many similar characteristics. Love rats surf the web with the intention of starting relationships and may have several simultaneous relationships. The targets of a cyber stalker may know little about the person they are talking to (other than what they've convincingly been fed) and be unaware of a trail of other targets past and present.
* Troll. The Troll's purpose is to be given more credibility than (s)he deserves, and to suck people into useless, pointless, never-ending, emotionally-draining, ranting discussions full of verbal loops and "word labyrinths", playing people against each other, hurting their feelings, and wasting their time and emotional energy.

Stalkers motivation: (Indianchild.com, 2000)

1) Sexual Harassment

This should not surprise anyone, especially women, since sexual harassment is also a very common experience offline. The internet reflects real life and consists of real people. It's not a separate, regulated or sanctified world. The very nature of anonymous communications also makes it easier to be a stalker on the internet than a stalker offline

2) Obsession for love

This could begin from an online romance, where one person halts the romance and the rejected lover cannot accept the end of the relationship. It could also be an online romance that moves to real life, only to break-up once the persons really meet. Sometimes, this obsession stalking can even start from real life and then move over to cyberspace. One of the problems with obsession stalking is that since it often starts as real romance, much personal information is shared between persons involved. This makes it easy for the cyber stalker to harass their victim. Some users online enjoy "breaking hearts" as a pastime, and so may well set up obsessions for their own enjoyment - games that they may later regret having played. Sometimes, an obsession can also be a fixation by a stranger on another user for no valid reason. Since these obsession stalkers live in a dream world, it is not always necessary for the target to have done anything to attract her (or his) attention in the first place. Obsession stalkers are usually jealous and possessive people. Death threats via email or through live chat messages are a manifestation of obsession stalking.

3) Revenge and Hate

This could be an argument that has gone out of hand, leading eventually to a hate and revenge relationship. Revenge vendettas are often the result of something you may have said or done online which may have offended someone. Vendettas often begin with arguments where you may have been rude to another user. Sometimes, hate cyber stalking is for no reason at all (out of the blue)- you will not know why you have been targeted nor what you have done, and you may not even know who it is who is doing this to you & even the cyber stalker does not know you. In fact you have not been individually targeted at all - you have been chosen as a random target by someone who does not know you !! This stalker may be using the net to let out his frustrations online.

4) Ego and Power Trips

These are harassers or stalkers online showing off their skills to themselves and their friends. They do not have any grudge against you - they are rather using you to 'show-off? their power to their friends or doing it just for fun and you have been unlucky enough to have been chosen. Most people who receive threats online imagine their harasser to be large and powerful. But in fact the threat may come from a child who does not really have any means of carrying out the physical threats made.

Victims of cyber stalking:

The Internet is becoming more of an entire family communication center, which is opening up many more victims to be stalked. The thing to remember is that a stalker is someone that wants to be in control. A stalker is not going to pick a victim that is equal to them. This keeps the victim submissive. The main targets are the "new to the Internet", females, children, emotionally unstable, etc. Someone new to being online is pretty easy to pick out of a crowd. They don't know the chat room lingo, by their profile info, lack of Internet knowledge, etc. Also the type of channel or chat room you enter may give it away that you are new. (Newbie Chats, Getting Started Tour, etc.) These are things stalkers pick up on pretty quickly. According Aftab (2004), 83% are female, but men are also stalked. Being dominated by men, so many more males than females online, and their quest for female companionship may be hard sought. This may leave them with a hurt male ego and being jilted he may want revenge (Aftab 2004). The US Justice Department estimates there could be hundreds of thousands of victims.

Our lack of knowledge also means that the harm suffered by victims of cyber stalking is often overlooked. Cyber stalking can involve behaviours that range from posting offensive messages to a victim, to physical attacks (Bocjj and McFarlane, 2002b). Sadly, some writers have suggested that cyber stalking is of little genuine concern and that those interested in the field are merely promoting hysteria. Petherick (1999), for example, seems to suggest that victims of cyber stalking suffer relatively little harm: "The effects of [cyber] stalking upon an individual may include behavioural, psychological and social aspects. Specific risks to the victim include a loss of personal safety, the loss of a job, sleeplessness, and a change in work or social habits." However, Bocjj, Griffiths and McFarlane (2002) describe several cases of cyber stalking that eventually resulted in some extremely serious outcomes, including murder.

The Characteristics of the victims of cyber stalking are:

? Male or female depending on the age group

? in 18 ? 32 year olds, females predominate

? Often involved in a real or imagined romantic or sexual relationship

? May be a member of a targeted minority group or special group

? ethnic, racial and religious minorities

? gays and lesbians

? cancer or other patients with serious illnesses

? adoptive or birth parents

? political or special interest group

The US department of justice and the National Center for Victims of Crime in United States suggests for the victims to:

* Victims who are under the age of 18 should tell their parents or another adult they trust about any harassments and/or threats.
* Experts suggest that in cases where the offender is known, victims should send the stalker a clear written warning. Specifically, victims should communicate that the contact is unwanted, and ask the perpetrator to cease sending communications of any kind. Victims should do this only once. Then, no matter the response, victims should under no circumstances ever communicate with the stalker again.
* Victims should save copies of this communication in both electronic and hard copy for If the harassment continues, the victim may wish to file a complaint with the stalker's Internet service provider, as well as with their own service provider.
* Many Internet service providers offer tools that filter or block communications from specific individuals.
* As soon as individuals suspect they are victims of online harassment or cyber stalking, they should start collecting all evidence and document all contact made by the stalker. Save all e-mail, postings, or other communications in both electronic and hard-copy form. If possible, save all of the header information from e-mails and newsgroup postings. Record the dates and times of any contact with the stalker.
* Victims may also want to start a log of each communication explaining the situation in more detail. Victims may want to document how the harassment is affecting their lives and what steps they have taken to stop the harassment.
* Victims may want to file a report with local law enforcement or contact their local prosecutor's office to see what charges, if any, can be pursued. Victims should save copies of police reports and record all contact with law enforcement officials and the prosecutor's office.
* Victims who are being continually harassed may want to consider changing their e-mail address, Internet service provider, a home phone number, and should examine the possibility of using encryption software or privacy protection programs. Any local computer store can offer a variety of protective software, options and suggestions. Victims may also want to learn how to use the filtering capabilities of email programs to block e-mails from certain addresses.
* Furthermore, victims should contact online directory listings such as www.four11.com, www.switchboard.com, and www.whowhere.com to request removal from their directory.
* Finally, under no circumstances should victims agree to meet with the perpetrator face to face to "work it out," or "talk." No contact should ever be made with the stalker. Meeting a stalker in person can be very dangerous (The National Center for Victims of Crime, 2003).

Research on Cyber Stalking:

The study of the demographics of stalking perpetrators provides some interesting information. For instance, stalkers are generally of a more mature age than other clinical and offender populations (Meloy, 1998; Harmon, Rosner & Owens, 1995; Mullen & Pathe, 1994; Zona, Sharma & Lane, 1993). Stalkers have usually attained a greater educational achievement than other types of offenders (Lloyd-Goldstein, 1998; Meloy, 1996) with 42% having finished some high school, 22% graduating high school, and 6% having graduated college (taken from the Harmon, Rosner & Owens, 1995 study). Ethnicity in this clinical population would appear to be predominantly non-white (52% black, 25% Hispanic, 9% unknown, and 0.4% oriental). Lloyd Goldstein (1998) states that perhaps as many as 10 % of stalking cases involve perpetrators who are foreign born; perhaps indicating that immigration is a risk factor in some stalking scenarios (Meloy, 1998).

The Centre for Disease Control conducted an extensive telephone survey, funded by the National Institute of Justice, of 8000 men and 8000 women inquiring about their experiences with stalking. Their results indicate that approximately 8% of [US] women and 2% of [US] men have been stalked at some time in their life. Also, that an estimated 1 million females and 0.4 million males are stalked in the US annually (Tjaden & Thoennes, 1997). Results of similar studies would suggest that the majority of stalking cases are heterosexual in nature, with less than 1% of these crimes occurring between homosexual persons. Meloy & Gothard (1995) found similar results among their study of forensic populations, with approximately 90% male perpetrators with female victims

(Petherick, 1999)

A study conducted by Aftab (2002) found that Cyber stalking is on the rise and women, senior citizens and children are the most likely targets. Women are also becoming a more likely cyber stalker, as well, with the percentage of known female cyberstalkers increasing from 25% to 40% in the last year. The other important finds of the study of Aftab (2002) are

? More women are cyber stalking others than ever before

? In some age groups, men are the greatest percentage of victims

? More children are cyber stalking each other

? Certain ethnic groups are being targeted, especially from the Middle East

? More people are cyber dating, and becoming victims of cyber stalking when things don?t work out

? Technology, such as trojan horses, are used more often than before...giving the cyberstalkers a remote control to your own computer!

? Law enforcement is taking action more often

? Most states now have laws criminalizing cyber stalking and harassment, up from only 16 states in 1998. (wiredsafety.org, 2004).

Bocjj (2003) was the first researcher to study exclusively on the prevalence and impact of cyber stalking. In this study, a web-based questionnaire was used to collect data from a group of respondents who were recruited by snowball sampling via e-mail. A total of 169 respondents completed the questionnaire. The results of the study found that approximately a third of respondents might be considered victims of cyber stalking. Furthermore, when asked to indicate the level of distress felt as a result of their experiences, almost a quarter of respondents chose a value of ten on a ten-point scale. The study also suggests a number of differences between cyber stalking and offline stalking, for instance cyber stalking tends to take place over a shorter period of time than offline stalking and cyber stalking victims are less likely to know the identify of their harassers. These differences add weight to the argument that cyber stalking should be seen as a new form of deviant behavior that can be distinguished from offline stalking. The work concludes by emphasizing a need for further research.

As a part of a large study on sexual victimization of college women, researchers at the University of Cincinnati conducted a national telephone survey of 4,446 randomly selected women attending two and four-year institutions of higher education. The survey was conducted during the 1996-97 academic year. In this survey, a stalking incident was defined as a case in which a respondent answered positively when asked if someone had "repeatedly followed you, watched you, phoned, written, e-mailed, or communicated with you in other ways that seemed obsessive and made you afraid or concerned for your safety." The study found that 581 women (13.1 percent) were stalked and reported a total of 696 stalking incidents; the latter figure exceeds the number of victims because 15 percent of the women experienced more than one case of stalking during the survey period. Of these 696 stalking incidents, 166 (24.7 percent) involved e-mail. Thus, 25 percent of stalking incidents among college women could be classified as involving cyber stalking (Attorney General Report, 1999).

Analysis of Incidence of cyber stalking:

Although there is no comprehensive, nationwide data on the extent of cyber stalking in the United States and other countries, some ISPs compile statistics on the number and types of complaints of harassment and/or threats involving their subscribers, and individual law enforcement agencies have compiled helpful statistics. There is, moreover, a growing amount of anecdotal and informal evidence on the nature and extent of cyber stalking. First, data on offline stalking may provide some insight into the scope of the cyber stalking problem. According to the most recent National Violence against Women Survey, which defines stalking as referring to instances where the victim felt a high level of fear: (US department of Justice, 1998)

It has been estimated that approximately 20,000 Americans are being stalked (D?Amico, 1997), and with somewhat more liberal estimates ranging as high as 200,000 (Jenson, 1996). Australian data from the Bureau of Statistics suggests that in 1997 more than 165,000 women over the age of 18 were stalked (Lancaster, 1998). Further estimates suggest that as many as one in 20 adults will be stalked in their lifetime and that up to 200,000 exhibit a stalkers traits (Tharp, 1992). Evidence collected by the Los Angeles District Attorney?s office suggests that of the 600 cases reviewed; roughly 20 % of them involved some form of electronic communication (L.A. Times, Saturday 23rd of January, 1999). Given the latter finding, there is sufficient evidence to warrant that electronic mediums are in fact providing the stalker with new avenues for the deliverance of their threat (Petherick, 1999).

In the United States, one out of every 12 women (8.2 million) and one out of every 45 men (2 million) have been stalked at some time in their lives.

? One percent of all women and 0.4 percent of all men were stalked during the preceding 12 months.

? Women are far more likely to be the victims of stalking than men - nearly four out of five stalking victims are women. Men are far more likely to be stalkers - 87 percent of the stalkers identified by victims in the survey were men.

? Women are twice as likely as men to be victims of stalking by strangers and eight times as likely to be victims of stalking by intimates.

In the United States, there are currently more than 80 million adults and 10 million children with access to the Internet. Assuming the proportion of cyber stalking victims is even a fraction of the proportion of persons who have been the victims of offline stalking within the preceding 12 months, there may be potentially tens or even hundreds of thousands of victims of recent cyber stalking incidents in the United States (Cyber angels, 2003). Although such a "back of the envelope" calculation is inherently uncertain and speculative (given that it rests on an assumption about very different populations), it does give a rough sense of the potential magnitude of the problem.

Second, anecdotal evidence from law enforcement agencies indicates that cyber stalking is a serious - and growing - problem. At the federal level, several dozen matters have been referred (usually by the FBI) to U.S. Attorney's Offices for possible action. A number of these cases have been referred to state and local law enforcement agencies because the conduct does not appear to violate federal law.

In addition, some local law enforcement agencies are beginning to see cases of cyber stalking. For example, the Los Angeles District Attorney's Office estimates that e-mail or other electronic communications were a factor in approximately 20 percent of the roughly 600 cases handled by its Stalking and Threat Assessment Unit. The chief of the Sex Crimes Unit in the Manhattan District Attorney's Office also estimates that about 20 percent of the cases handled by the unit involve cyber stalking. The Computer Investigations and Technology Unit of the New York City Police Department estimates that almost 40 percent of the caseload in the unit involves electronic threats and harassment -- and virtually all of these have occurred in the past three or four years. Third, ISPs also are receiving a growing number of complaints about harassing and threatening behavior online. One major ISP receives approximately 15 complaints per month of cyber stalking, in comparison to virtually no complaints of cyber stalking just one or two years ago.

Cyber-stalking has attracted much concern in the US, and 17 states have reportedly passed laws against on-line stalking or harassment. The first temporary restraining order on an on-line stalker was issued by a court in Texas in October 1996; the individual had been harassing the employees of a Dallas-based ISP. And the first prison sentence for an e-mail hate crime was handed out in May 1998. A student in California was convicted of violating the civil rights of 59 students by sending racially-targeted threats to them in 1996; he was sentenced to one year?s imprisonment.

Vicious on-line statements and rumors may be used against the victim. Two especially nasty cases have reportedly occurred in the US. In 1997, someone allegedly posted a child?s name, age and phone number on 14 pedophile chatrooms, giving false sexual messages which led pedophiles to call on the girl?s home. In January 1999, a Californian man was arrested after allegedly impersonating a woman (who had spurned his advances) on the Net. He, posing as she, is believed to have placed an advert on a bulletin board, seeking male partners to live out a gang rape fantasy and giving (the woman?s) name, address and telephone number, and even instructions on how to bypass her house?s burglar alarm. Several men responded to the advert with phone calls and visits to the woman?s home.

A Novell survey conducted in United Kingdom in 1998 (of 810 people using e-mail at work) found that half the sample had received unwanted e-mail from a persistent sender. 35% of the offensive messages comprised unsolicited pornography. To date, however, there have been no known criminal cases in the UK concerning cyber-stalking. However, as Net usage grows, NCIS @#$%& that occurrences of harassment will escalate. In an Australian case, an older male stalked a young boy, following him with a camera and placing updates of his activities on his personal website, including descriptions of his (the offender?s) pedophilia and of his potential dangerousness to those who threatened him. The offender was charged with stalking (R v Vose [1999] VSCA 200).

In India's first case of cyber stalking, Manish Kathuria was recently arrested by the New Delhi Police. He was stalking an Indian lady, Ms Ritu Kohli by illegally chatting on the Web site MIRC using her name. He used obscene and obnoxious language, and distributed her residence telephone number, inviting people to chat with her on the phone. As a result of which, Ritu kept getting obscene calls from everywhere, and people promptly talked dirty with her. In a state of shock, she called the Delhi police and reported the matter. For once, the police department did not waste time swinging into action, traced the culprit and slammed a case under Section 509 of the Indian Penal Code for outraging the modesty of Ritu Kohli (Indianchild, 2005). In an other case, an engineering and management graduate, facing prosecution in a dowry harassment case, was arrested by Delhi police for sending obscene e-mails in his wife?s name to several persons (Mishra, 2001) In June 2000, a man was arrested by the Delhi police for assuming the identify of his ex-employer?s wife in a chat channel an encouraging others to telephone net. The victim who was getting obscene telephone calls at night from stranger made a complaint to the police. The accused was then located ?on line? in the chat room under the identity of the, victim and later traced through the telephone number used by him to access the internet (Mishra,2001).

Conclusion:

It is estimated that there are about 2,00,000 real-life stalkers in United States alone. Roughly one in 1,250 persons is a stalker - and that is a large ratio. Of course, no one knows the truth, since the Internet is such a vast medium, but these figures are as close as it gets to giving statistics. Out of the estimated 79 million population worldwide on the internet at any given time, we could find 63,000 internet stalkers traveling the information superhighway, stalking approximately 4,74,000 victims. As the Internet continues to grow, problems like cyber stalking will continue to grow. With the Internet being integrated into almost every part of human life, it is not a solution to simply suggest that turning off your computer will solve the problem. Internet users must learn to protect themselves from the dangers of Internet based crimes, such as cyber stalking. It is becoming apparent that anyone, including man, woman, or child can become a victim (Medlin, 2002). The more serious examples given within this paper have shown that cyber stalking may represent a serious threat to society (Boccj, 2002).

Jurisdictions across the globe are now beginning to take legal action against stalking behavior, recognizing it as a public problem which merits attention. The effects of stalking upon an individual may include behavioural, psychological and social aspects. Specific risks to the victim include a loss of personal safety, the loss of a job, sleeplessness, and a change in work or social habits. These effects have the potential to produce a large drain on both criminal justice resources and the health care system, and it is therefore in the best interests of the authorities to take swift action when cases are presented to them. While the behavior of stalking is not new, its recognition in legal and academic circles is still in its infancy. Only through the continued study of the problem will we be better equipped to deal with particular cases once they are presented. Through the continued study and exposure of stalking (and by extension, Cyber stalking), will investigators and clinicians be better prepared to deal with its consequences and effects (Petherick, 1999).

References:

Bocjj Paul (2003). Victims of cyber stalking: An exploratory study of harassment perpetrated via the Internet First Monday, volume 8, number 10 (October 2003),
URL: [firstmonday.org]

Bocjj Paul (2002). Corporate Cyber stalking: An Invitation to Build Theory
First Monday, volume 7, number 11 (November 2002),
URL: [firstmonday.org]

Bocjj P.and L. McFarlane, 2002a. "Online harassment: Towards a definition of cyber stalking," Prison Service Journal, number 139, pp. 31-38.

Burgess, A., Baker, T., Greening, D., Hartman, C., Burgess, A., Douglas, J. and Halloran, R. 1997, ?Stalking Behaviours Within Domestic Violence?, Journal of Family Violence, vol. 12, no. 4, pp. 389?403.

D?Amico, M. (1997). "The laws -vs- online stalking." Netguide Magazine

Gilbert, P. 1999, ?On Space, Sex and Stalkers?, Women and Performance, vol. 17, pp. 1?18.

Harmon, R.B., Rosner, R., & Owens, H. (1995). "Obsessional harassment and erotomania in a criminal court population." Journal of Forensic Sciences, 40 (2), p. 188 - 196

[www.bullyonline.org]


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Indianchild.Com (2005) Cyber Crime in India : Cyber Stalking - Online harassment. [www.indianchild.com]

Jenson, B. (1996). Cyber stalking: Crime, enforcement and personal responsibility in the on-line world. [www.law.ucla.edu]

Kurt, J. 1995, ?Stalking as a Variant of Domestic Violence?, Bulletin of the American Academy of Psychiatry and Law, vol. 23, no. 2, pp. 219?30.

Lancaster, J. (1998). Cyber-stalkers: The Scariest Growth Crime of the 90?s is Now Rife on the Net. The Weekend Australian, June 20 -21

Laughren, J. 2000, ?Cyber stalking Awareness and Education?. [www.acs.ucalgary.ca]

Lloyd - Goldstein, R. (1998). D?Clerembault On-Line: A Survey of Erotomania and Stalking from the Old World to the World Wide Web. In Meloy, J.R. (1998). The Psychology of Stalking: Clinical and Forensic Perspectives. San Diego, California: Academic Press

McFarlane Leroy and Paul Bocij (2003). An exploration of predatory behavior in cyberspace: Towards a typology of cyberstalkers First Monday, volume 8, number 9 (September 2003), URL: [firstmonday.org]

McFarlane, J., Campbell, J.C., Wilt, S., Sachs, C., Ulrich, Y. and Xu, X. 1999, ?Stalking and Intimate Partner Femicide?, HomicideStudies, vol. 3, no. 4, pp. 300?16.

Medlin Amanda N. (2002) Stalking to Cyber stalking, a Problem Caused by the Internet, Law and the Internet, Fall 2002 papers, Georgia State University College of Law, 140 Decatur St., Atlanta, Georgia 30303 [gsulaw.gsu.edu]

Meloy, J. and Gothard, S. 1995, ?A Demographic and Clinical Comparison of obsessional Followers and Offenders with Mental Disorders?, American Journal of Psychiatry, vol. 152, pp. 258?63.

Meloy, J.R. (1996). "Stalking (obsessional following): A review of Some Preliminary Studies. Aggression and Violent Behavior, 1 (2), p. 147 - 162.

Meloy, J.R. (1998). In Meloy, J.R. (1998). "The Psychology of Stalking: Clinical and Forensic Perspectives. San Diego, California: Academic Press

Meloy, J.R., & Gothard, S. (1995). "Demographic and Clinical Comparison of Obsessional Followers and Offenders with Mental Disorders. American Journal of Psychiatry, 152 (2), p. 258 - 26

Mishra RC (2001). Crime Trends and Criminal Justice. Author?s Press: Delhi

Mullen, P.E. (1997). "Erotomanias: (Pathologies of Love) and Stalking." Directions in Mental Health Counseling, 7 (3), p. 3 - 15.

Mullen, P.E., & Path?, M. (1994). "The Pathological Extensions of Love." The British Journal of Psychiatry, 165, p. 614 ? 623

Mullen P.E., M. Path?, R. Purcell, and G.W. Stuart, 1999. "A study of stalkers," American Journal of Psychiatry, volume 156, pp. 1244-1249.

National Victim Centre (1998a). New York Penal Section 240.25. Harassment in the First Degree. Available online from [www.nvc.org]

National Victim Centre (1998b). California Penal Code 646.9. Stalking. Available online from [www.nvc.org]

Petherick, W. 1999. "Cyber-stalking: Obsessional pursuit and the digital criminal," at [www.crimelibrary.com],

Spring, T. 1999, ?Hacker Tool Targets Windows NT?, PC World.com [www.pcworld.com] pcwtoday/article/ 0,1510,11662,00.html

Tharp, M. (1992). "In the mind of a stalker." U.S. News and World Report, February 17, v112, p. 28 (3)

Tjaden, P. 1997, ?The Crime of Stalking: How Big is the Problem??, National Institute of

Tjaden, P., & Thoennes, N. (1997). Stalking in America: Findings from the National Violence Against Women Survey. Colorado: Centre for Policy Research

U.S. Department of Justice (1998). "Stalking in America: Findings from the National Violence Against Women Survey," U.S. Department of Justice, Office of Justice Programs, and Department of Health and Human Services, Center for Disease Control and Prevention, April 1998

U.S. Department of Justice. (August 1999). Cyber stalking: A New Challenge for Law Enforcement and Industry -- A Report from the Attorney General to the Vice President. Washington, DC: U.S. Department of Justice, Available at [www.usdoj.gov]

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______________________________________________________________________*Revised version of the Paper presented in the 29th All India Criminology Conference, during 16-18, 2006 at Madurai Kamaraj University, Madurai, India.

ABOUT THE AUTHORS

**Dr. K. Jaishankar is a Lecturer in the Department of Criminology and Criminal Justice, Manonmaniam Sundaranar University, Tirunelveli, India. He received his Ph.D. in Criminology from the University of Madras, Chennai, India. His research interests include Communal violence, Crime mapping, GIS, Cyber Crimes, Theoretical Criminology, Policing, Crime prevention, and Victimology. Please send correspondence to Department of Criminology and Criminal Justice, Manonmaniam Sundaranar University, Abhishekapatti, Tirunelveli, Tamil Nadu 627 012 India. email: debajai@hotmail.com

***Ms. V. Uma Sankary is presently in the final year of the Master?s programme in Criminology and Criminal Justice Science, at the Department of Criminology and Criminal Justice, Manonmaniam Sundaranar University, Tirunelveli, India. Her current research interests include Victimology, Violent Crimes and Crime against women.

******]]> Jimmy Cyber-affairsMon, 22 Sep 2008 20:22:20 -0700 http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/phorum/read.php?22,98072,98072#msg-98072 http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/phorum/read.php?22,98072,98072#msg-98072
It reports that more than 9 million men, almost 40% of the male British population, used pornographic websites last year. This is four times the number in 2000, which is primarily an artifact of increased internet access rather than increased perversion (although Charles is closer to the throne than ever). The number of women downloading Internet porn in the six-year period soared 30 percent to 1.4 million.

The average amount of time per month that - both men and women - viewed online adult content was 40 minutes. Per month.

Since that's the average, plenty of Brits are obviously using more than that. But 40 minutes is the average.

This fact is a profound challenge to America's anti-porn crusaders who insist that occasional porn use is only temporary, that porn is so powerful that it ensnares casual users and addicts them. Porn "addicts" then quickly lose their marriages, families, jobs, health, and minds, becoming child molesters or rapists (or both). Making heroin look like harmless Haagen Dazs in comparison, porn ultimately reduces users to drooling, Dickens-era idiots urinating in the street and selling their blood for another fix (the monthly broadband fee, one assumes).

Well, it hasn't happened on a mass scale in Britain (no remarks about pre-internet drooling Brits, please). And it hasn't happened here, either.

Of the many lies told about American porn users, the biggest is that there is no porn "use"--only porn "abuse."

That's the first question to ask people who want to talk about public policy and pornography: what's their definition of "reasonable" (or--gasp--"healthy") porn use? If all they can talk about is rape, child porn, human trafficking, and mayhem, tell them they're discussing violence and crime, not porn. And tell them how millions of Brits drink tea and watch a little porn once in a while.

So I ask you, how much print or cyber-porn is ok for you to use? Your partner?

Personally, I share it with my wife occasioanlly. Some is nauseating, but a lot of it is fun.]]> Jimmy Cyber-affairsSun, 08 Feb 2009 10:06:30 -0800 http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/phorum/read.php?22,97646,97646#msg-97646 http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/phorum/read.php?22,97646,97646#msg-97646
For the first five years, we had the most incredible sexual relationship that I had ever experienced (and I was very experienced,) and we were very in love, and completely satisfied. No one has ever been more in love, or in lust with a woman. My wife has a nearly pharmaceutical effect on me. I literally get high when I am near her. So, what is the problem you ask? Is'nt that how it is supposed to be? Let me continue:

However, three years ago we had our first (only) child, and then everything changed. Before we decided to have a child, I made her promise me that she would not forget about me, and that things would not change between us. But things did change. My wife really lost interest in me as a sexual partner. It's not that she is interested in sex with anyone else, she is just not interested in sex period.

So, my response to this was to be angry at first, and that lead to a lot of fighting. Then, I started to accept that it is what it is, and we got into a rut where we were having sex every couple of weeks, and she acted as though it was strictly obligatory, and was always glad when it was over. Keep in mind, that before our child was born we would spend entire weekends in bed together, almost every weekend. Now as soon as I am finished, she cleans herself off and immediately gets dressed. It is very hurtful.

So, I have retreated into a sexual fantasy world, that revolves around her. I do not look at porn, and I am not interetsed in any other women (or men.) I just fantasize about my wife every night. My fantasies about her are very powerful and compelling, and have taken on some troubling forms. One fantasy in particular is so prominent that it is really the only one that I have anymore. I am so compelled by it, I fear that I may act on it soon.

The fantasy is: that I watch her have sex with another man! I am really troubled by this, but I am addicted to the fantasy, so much that I have actually started mentioning it to my wife, and it has become a recurring topic of dicussion.

Her response: At first she just dismissed it as being completely crazy. But as I continue to bring it up, she has warmed to the idea a little, but she is worried that if it were to actually happen, that I would be really hurt by it, and I would not really enjoy it at all. She does not think that I could actually go though with it.

Here is the troubling part for me: I think I could actually go through with it! I really love my wife, and my family, and I do not want anything to damage our marriage and home, but nothing gets me hot like imagining what my wife would look like as she has sex with another man. We were out at a club this weekend (which is a very rare activity anymore.) We both had quite a bit to drink. I asked her if there was anyone there that she would have sex with? She said maybe. We ended up going home alone together, and I found myself being disappointed. That is how close to the edge I am on this.

I am addicted to this fantasy. It is has become an obsession for me. I am really troubled by it. I think something must be wrong with me. Do I need a shrink. Am I really messed up? Am I too attracted to my wife? Is it possible for a man to have an unhealthy obsession with his wife?

I would love to get some feedback

Keith]]> Keith Cyber-affairsTue, 28 Nov 2006 19:28:00 -0800 http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/phorum/read.php?22,97456,97456#msg-97456 http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/phorum/read.php?22,97456,97456#msg-97456
Since then, I've pretty much panned out and not on the move any longer. She's still on the move and looking for a man in her life. What I like about our friendship, is that it is honest and straight up with no punches pulled about life. I have a great deal of caring sympathy for her and she knows that. She has no one but me to chat with, that will tell her what she needs to hear. A coming together of two opposites, we're both good people like that. She has wayyy to much class for a personal, daily, real life friendship, but cybering is ok. Strange how that works with friends.]]> Gregg Cyber-affairsSun, 08 Feb 2009 10:00:08 -0800 http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/phorum/read.php?22,91861,91861#msg-91861 http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/phorum/read.php?22,91861,91861#msg-91861 rachel Cyber-affairsSun, 11 Jul 2004 21:40:15 -0700