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Wife Having a Cyber Affair
In the SHM Community Forums, a member raised his concern about forgiveness and moving on after he found out that his wife got cyber affairs. Jimmy answered:
I have to chime in with the rest of the folks here, but to add one more thing. Kubler-Ross talks about the stages of dealing with death and loss. In a way, your dream of a perfect, unbesmirched marriage is dead. You and your wife haven't been able to keep that old faithful dream alive. Accepting that can be very difficult (I hope I'm not being too direct here, DS – just trying to be succinct because I only have a few minutes.)
Stages:
denial
anger
bargaining
sadness
acceptance
We can move from one stage to another quite rapidly and even do some simultaneously. When I think about your prayer, I have to wonder if you were bargaining with God, something like "If I say this prayer often enough, maybe, God, you will grant me peace?"
You say the prayer and it gives you relief, but it doesn't give you ultimate peace. You still are on edge when your wife is late or you smell danger somewhere. I think those are natural reactions, and I think if you consider the possibility that your dream of a perfect marriage is dying, and you might feel anger or sadness about it. The sooner you feel the sadness, the better, because then you can move to acceptance that your perfect dream of a marriage is gone. It will never be the same. You will continue to have anxiety about your wife. After all, she's betrayed your trust more than once, how can anyone think she's never, ever going to be tempted and indulge herself again?
I suspect that when you imagine what you'd feel if she cheated again, you are touching on some of the sadness that is suppose to be there.
Now that we've talked about the tough stuff, let me also say that you may need to remind yourself that if she cheats, you won't die. In fact, you may want to get your ducks in a row. Separate your credit, get two bank accounts and thereby put her on alert that if she strays again, your life is going to continue, and you will make sure it continues with as little more damage to you as possible. She may shake you but she won't kill you. People heal from relationship betrayal. If you have trouble believing that, get some professional help (individual therapy) to build your confidence and help you get a plan for how you are going to move forward with a solid plan for whatever happens – whether she stays or strays.
Keep coming back here, Buddy. You seem like a caring guy and there is always room for someone like you here, no matter what you are feeling or experiencing.