SelfhelpMagazine Blog

Distressed with Boyfriend's Cyber Affair

Posted on 11. Nov, 2009 by SHM Staff.

Jimmy empathized with one SHM Forum member who is very distressed about her boyfriend's cyber-affair. He wrote:

You are not alone in your struggle.

You might want to read Dr. Maheu's book about this topic. It is called 'Infidelity on the Internet.' She is the one who set up the website you are on, and she wrote the book because many visitors have come here to look for answers to this and related questions. The book not only talks about how people get into these situations online, but more importantly, what to do to fix your marriage.

So for now, my best suggestion for you is to get educated about the issues you are facing, and learn what can be done.

Keep us posted about your progress.

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Cyber Affairs: Roadblocks Between You and Your Addiction

Posted on 07. Nov, 2009 by SHM Staff.

In the SHM Forums, Jimmy responded to the concern of one member about his willingness to confront his cybersex addiction with the help of his wife. He said:

The truth will set you free. Congratulations to you and to your wife. You both have a winning attitude is seem to be working together as a team.

You already are doing many things right. Joining that support group, calling your EAP for appointment, and getting into couples counseling are all steps in the right direction.

The only other thing I can suggest, and suggest strongly, is that you buy a book written by Dr. Maheu, the developer of this SelfhelpMagazine website. she conducted a research study through this website and asked people about their experience with cybersex and cyberinfidelity, compiled that information into a book, and more importantly, wrote a very detailed program for couples looking to recover from cyberinfidelity. She wrote the book specifically for people in your circumstance.

I read it a few years ago, and a little fuzzy about the details, but I think she has a chapter for you, a chapter for your wife, a dozen or so steps for you to take back your life.

I am a recovering alcoholic and drug addict and have been clean and sober for 19 years. One of the most important things I've learned is that putting roadblocks between me and my substances is the key to my success.

the difference between you and me is that there are fewer roadblocks between you and your addiction than me and mine. If I want to drink. I literally have to get in my car, drive to the store, walk-in, by something, walk back to my car, and hopefully drive home.scoring drugs is a little more complex, but involves a least that many steps. Each one of those steps is an opportunity for me to create a roadblock that could possibly stop me.

For you, turning on the computer may already gave you a hard on. You probably know exactly where to go and score within a matter of minutes, you don't have to look at anybody, any relief is just a few keystrokes away. Putting roadblocks between you and relief is much more complicated.

One suggestion that comes to mind, now that I know about this discussion forum, is that you can promise yourself, make a solemn oath to yourself, and inform the rest of your world, that before you act on any sexual impulse using a computer or the Internet, you will visit this website, find this forum, and write a detailed post about what you're feeling, what led up to that feeling (prior events or as we call them in AA, 'triggers') and where you would typically go to score. For more details, you can provide the better for you.

Using this forum in this way will serve several different functions that once. First and foremost, it will create a roadblock. The roadblock will force you to examine the events that led up to the trigger, identify your urge as a trigger, identify your feelings, and all the while using Internet while engaging and incompatible response to the trigger. Once you've met your oath to yourself, you are free to make whatever choice you'd like at that time about scoring.

If you use this website as your journal you will also be able to look at your posts through time and use them to identify patterns in thinking and behaving. The record that you will create will help you produce real live documentation to bring to therapy sessions. You also have the benefit of people interacting with you through it all.

Whether you choose to use this roadblock, or come up with others of your own, I wish you the best.

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Beware of Dishonest Online Counseling or Online Therapy Business Owners

Posted on 21. Sep, 2009 by Dr. Maheu.

After teaching a 3-day workshop on legal/ethical issues for online counseling, a middle aged psychologist walked up to me and turned his back to the other people, only  to whisper something in my ear. He started speaking slowly and methodically, almost as if it was painful, "I want to tell you something, but I don't want anyone else to hear me."

I stepped to the side of the room, as I turned and asked the other people waiting to speak with me just give me five minutes. This is what the man said:

" I started working for a counseling company who wanted licensed practitioners for their online counseling service. I gave about 15 hours a week for six months. It was easy to fill the hours because whenever I had an opening, I could call the company and they would always find somebody for me to connect with from somewhere in the world.

The agreement was they were supposed to pay me quarterly, because they were a startup didn't have much cash flow at the beginning. At the end of the first quarter they didn't pay me in full, but rather, they paid me a substantial portion of what I was owed, and promised to pay the balance with 15% interest at the end of the next quarter.

I was happy with the influx of cash earned in what otherwise would be empty hours, and I had no reason to believe they weren't doing well. At the end of the next quarter they had nothing to give me. I was told that one of the partners had barely taken off with cash and left the country. When I threaten to sue them, the remaining partner offered to give me a part of the company in exchange for what was owed. I accepted.

And this is the part I need you to know and tell others: because I was now an owner in the company they gave me the passwords to the back of the website. I've been a part owner for over a year now, and it's only recently that I bothered to use the passwords I was given a look at some of the documents on the backend of the website, on the server. It was only after a weekend of looking at records from the beginning that I finally began to understand….

They had taken my name and my license number and assigned it to a number of cases that were seen during hours that I was not available. From what I understand now, they had forged my name and fraudulently been billing people's credit cards who thought they were speaking with me, but the truth is, the person they were speaking to was not me. There were hundreds of hours billed this way. I'm serious. There were hundreds of fraudulent charges.

I have no idea who was using my name, and I'm not going to press charges, because  the guilty party is probably the guy who left the country. No one knows where he went, so it seems futile to try and track down.

The other reason I'm not going to say anything is that I  am now an owner of this company and need to make it succeed. There are a lot of things that can go on with these websites, and nobody is behind-the-scenes verifying who consumers speak with when they think they're talking with someone who's credentialed.

When people come to the website and pay their money, they really don't have a clue who they're really speaking to. All they know is that somebody is using a name of someone who has a license.  If they checked by state licensing board, they would see that indeed my license is valid. But the reality is, they could be speaking to the janitor, who might just happen to be a good schmoozer. The the point is, a consumer and professionals like me can easily get bamboozled  by ruthless business people who take advantage of us both.

I didn't wear my name badge this weekend, and I'm leaving right now. Just don't forget my story. Let other people know that the Internet is a wild West right now, and that assumptions can be dangerous.

~~~~~~

How can you tell who's who online? Your ideas are welcomed!

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Health Care Licensing Requirements: Where Do Your ONLINE Mental Health Professionals Have to Be Licensed?

Posted on 18. Sep, 2009 by Dr. Maheu.

As a health care provider, I'm concerned that so many large and small websites are now offering "ask-a-doctor" type services, and claiming that their practitioners are "licensed". I'm writing this blog to pose these questions:

Does their licensure signify that they are indeed competent and operating legally/ethically as many consumers would believe? Or does it simply mean that they are simply running ahead of the law, taking advantage of an overburdened legal system that cannot keep up with the rapid pace of technological advancement? Are they taking their chances because they know that licensing boards are severely overworked, sometimes employed by states that are financially strapped, and that consumers often need to file a significant number of complaints before even an informed licensing board can take action? Are they just trying to make a fast and much easier buck than in their face-to-face practices? Or is this just all one big misunderstanding? If it is a misunderstanding, whose job is it to know and disseminate the facts?

Before I offend too many of my loyal readers, let me say that ask the questions I am asked by my readers at SelfhelpMagazine, and I hope to assist rather than point to any specific professional or business online. I also will speak only to mental health websites in particular, because this happens my area of specialty.

In reviewing a large number of websites for mental health practitioners offering "online counseling" or "online therapy," it's obvious that there's a fair amount of confusion or misinformation (or what else?) about licensure,  and even among licensed professionals.

This is an interesting phenomenon, especially because licensure means that some point in time, those licensed professionals understood the law clearly enough that they passed the test designed to document their understanding of state law, particularly state law related to where it is legal to practice.

As I detailed in my last book, The Mental Health Professional and the New Technologies: A Handbook for Practice Today, licensed mental health professionals need to be licensed in the state of residence of the client or patient.

In other words, professionals selling their services to Internet sites by claiming they are "licensed" may very well be misleading consumers, who may trust that they are more protected when seeing  a licensed practitioner.

While indeed, licensure signifies that the professional has demonstrated to an objective third party that they have at least a minimal level of competence, the fact that these particular professionals are announcing to the world (and their local licensing boards) that they are open for business to treat anyone who calls them from their Internet site, lets us all know that they are not as competent (or perhaps just not as informed?) as most consumers would like to believe.

After all, just how informed are they if they don't realize that they're in effect advertising that they are either licensed in all 50 states (and anywhere else in the world where local licensure is required), or that they are practicing over state lines without a license?

Now there might be some online counselors or online therapists who only make themselves available online to consumers from the particular state(s) from where the professional is licensed, but they are the vast minority. Never have I met a mental health practitioner who is licensed in all 50 states.

That's not to say that no single practitioner is licensed in all 50 states, but after training literally thousands of therapists who want to learn about online practice, I can honestly tell you, I've never met any. Most of the time, what I see on these websites is a practitioner whose license in 1-3 states in making themselves available to anyone who'd like to call, chat or email.

Making this sort of public mistake about one's licensure is noteworthy. Caution is in order. It literally is a crime to practice without a license in all 50 states. If any of you have different information, please let me know below.

If any of you are offering services online without having fully considered the boundaries of your licensure, you may want to simply go to your website now, and make it clear to your readers as well as clients and patients that you can only legally serve them if they currently reside in a state where you are licensed. If you have any doubt as to the veracity of my statements above or my suggestion herein, call your licensing board and ask them. I would be interested in hearing your feedback.

Sincerely,

Dr. Marlene

Executive Director

Center for Online Counseling & Therapy

Tweet me at http://twitter.com/newmediadoc

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Paying it Forward & Courage in Community Forums

Posted on 29. Jun, 2008 by Jimmy.

I'm one of the regulars who posts in the Community Forum and just want to add to Dr. Maheu's post about paying it forward by saying that there's another way that people can pay it forward. They can come and post and have the courage to keep coming back without waiting for an answer before saying more.

The people who are most successful here are the ones who keep telling us what's going on. People get answers as others wander in and out, and write back. People always answer, but maybe not on your timeline. So why wait?

Those who keep posting end up with a whole diary of their own thoughts to look at, in additon to comments from other people.

It's all anonymous so no one will ver know who you are, and it's FREE support! What's to lose? Do it now.

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