SelfhelpMagazine Blog

Hating Yourself

Posted on 16. Nov, 2009 by SHM Staff.

In the SHM Forums, Dini responded to one member's concern who's struggling to find some answers on why don't he like himself. He wrote:

Sounds like you're having a tough time. I'm just an amateur here but it's hard to respond meaningfully without some sort of specifics. You say you "really don't like" yourself. Can you say why? What is it about yourself you don't like? I'm just thinking out loud but it seems to me if you can identify those things you don't like about yourself you can then move on to working on improving those things or learning to accept those things – we're all human and none of us is perfect.

Why do you feel trapped? By what? By whom? Hope you don't mind my asking but there are folks around here who might be able to offer some insightful and compassionate thoughts if you can be more specific.

"It is all me – everything that happens is me." Whoa there. Hope you don't take offense but I'm going to give you my honest gut reaction to that statement; it's pretty self-centered. It works both ways; whether you think you're the greatest thing since sliced toast or the world's biggest piece of crap it is, as you say, all about you. And the reality is it is not all about you or me or her or him or anyone else in particular. Why do you think it's all about you? Do you mean that "everything" is somehow all your fault? Are you blaming yourself for something(s)? If so, for what?

You sound pretty down on yourself FromTexas and I commend you for having the courage to say, in a nutshell, "I am in pain." That takes some emotional guts and is admirable. Obviously, what you want to reveal or not reveal is up to you but I do know from experience around here that the more specific you can be the more likely someone can lend a supportive hand. There's plenty of insight and compassion in these parts, along with honesty.

Take care and I hope you stick around. If you do I'm pretty sure you'll find something of value to you.

Continue Reading

Losing One's Cheerfulness

Posted on 02. Aug, 2009 by SHM Staff.

In the SHM Community Forums, Manuel shared his thoughts with one forum member who wanted to know why did he change from a happy person to cynical, socially unfit, angry person. He said:

Sarah,

I also want to welcome you to these forums and can completely understand your wanting earlier, simpler times. Its normal to want the peace of innocence.

If you are plagued by the recent past, you have many choices open to you. Depending on the issue, you might be able to find a support group in your local community, call that help line more often, and maybe even go through it again here or with a trained professional. If you can't bring yourself to do it here, as Joanne suggested by reading related topics and commenting upon them to ease you into it, then consider your alternatives. Some epeople find themselves creeping into a low grade depression that they do not see or understand, but only feel.

Living the life you describe is not easy. Getting help may seem like a challenge at first, but this can be made netter, whatever your situation, and even if you don't want to give us details anonymously here. It's up to you.

Continue Reading

Old Girlfriend

Posted on 02. Jun, 2009 by SHM Staff.

In the SHM Forums, Dini answered a married man who wrote about how he suddenly remembers an ex-girlfriend and anxious to find her again. He said:

I appreciate your honesty and courage in bringing up your predicament and feelings about it. You ask whether or not you need psychiatrtic help and I am certainly and absolutely NOT qualified to say, but I can give you a suggestion for what it's worth, but maybe first I should say why I make the suggestion?

45 years ago is a long time ago and for all the very good reasons Gregg points out. Also as Gregg says, hey, we all wonder about what happend to ex's or crushes or the woman we used to work with or live down the street from and always wondered "what if." That's pretty natural and human if ya ask me.

It's the manner in which it's coming up for you that really strikes me (and again, I commend your honesty) – to have this suddenly come up for you in what seems like (and I hope you are not offended by my use of the word) an obsessive way, including going so far as to at least get a quote from a private detective or whatever is more than fantazising or wondering, it's acting on it.

So ya gotta ask yourself why going so far with this. You don't mention much about your own situation and how you feel about things in your own life. Maybe sitting down with a therapist and talking about it would be helpful to you? That would be my suggestion.

Another thought Joe; think of how this might feel from her end of things if you were to pursue it – she's suddenly tracked down by some private eye by someone from her very long ago past for reasons she has no clue about. That might feel pretty threatening to her; it might even feel like stalking to her.

It might be something she may feel the need to go to the police about, especially if her memory of you is not as clear as your memory of her. I think it would be pretty reasonable for someone in her position, were that to happen, to feel threatened and vulnerable. In all honesty, having been stalked, it is disconcerting and threatening and makes you feel pretty vulnerable. And if you really followed through on it could possibly subject you to some attention from folks from whom you'd rather not have attention.

Bottom line; glad you're here Joe, and I appreciate and commend your honesty – it's not something everyone has and I think it takes courage to be emotionally honest about things the way you have been.

Take care.

Continue Reading

How to Be Happy and Develop Self Esteem

Posted on 25. May, 2009 by SHM Staff.

In the SHM Community Forums, Lily tried to help someone who can't figure out how to be happy and talked about not having self esteem.

Lily responded:

To find happiness, I started focusing on what I needed for a change, rather than trying to make everyone else happy.   I started to take better care of myself. I took all medication I WANTED to take exactly as prescribed, rather than just taking aswig from the bottles, or "getting arpound" to taking pills. I began measuring liquid medications and taking pills with meals, so I wouldn't forget them. I decided that I would do these things for a child, if I had one still at home, so I deserved the same love and care as any child.

I also began asking myself what i wanted. i know it's a little thing, but I never did it before. I just ran around, mindlessly doing what other people wanted. When i made a plan, or gave my word to someone, i made sure I kept it. Before I knew it, I felt better about myself.

But here are the three most helpful things that I did to find happiness that you might also find helpful:
1. Everyday, do at least 3 small things that will make you feel good about YOU. Whatever it is:

• painting your nails,
• making yourself an extra cup of tea,
• taking a walk,
• doing yoga for 10 minutes,
• taking a hot bath,
• calling an old friend, whatever.
• Come hereto SelfhelpMagazine  for 10 minutes a day instead of watching one of those stupid TV shows you don't like anymore.
• Read their self-help materials.
• Hang out in their Meditation Department. It has lots of cool inspirational thoughts and relaxing videos.
• Write comments on their articles and start feeling like you belong to this healthy community of like-minded, generous people.

Three things, every day. Do it for you.
2. Think about getting yourself a therapist. There is nothing like an objective third party giving you weekly feedback about your situation and how to treat yourself more lovingly. They won't solve your problems, but rather, help you think more clearly about how to solve your own problems, and in the process, learn to make decisions that lead to betetr self-esteem and feeling good about yourself and your choices.
3. Keep posting in these forums. Find old messages that relate to self-esteem and read them and post to them. Spread yourself around and the more people see you, the more they will come to this first thread and respond to you. But if you don't talk to them, they won't be too motivated to come talk to you.

Around here, you get what you give. Give a lot and guess what…you'll get a whole lot! I found this website when I was a sad little puppy, and now I know where to come to get re-fueled.

Hope to see you around!

Lil

Continue Reading

Working at Being Happy by Making a Gratitude List

Posted on 05. May, 2009 by SHM Staff.

In the SHM Community Forums, Lily shares her own list of things to be grateful for. She  said:

Some days I have to work to find even a moment of happiness. On those days, I force myself to write things I appreciate – I think some groups call it having a "gratitude list."

Like this:

I'm grateful for having this website to come to when no one in the world seems to care about me.

I'm grateful for having a computer so I can pass time doing things that improve my mind, like looking up things, or reaching out to the world for compassion, understanding and sometimes just acknowledgment.
I'm grateful for having the money to afford an internet connection.

I'm grateful I know how to write English well enough to be understood. I'malso grateful for the education I have. Sure, it isn't as much as I wanted, but it carries me where I need to go.

etc. etc. Once I get on a roll, things I'm grateful about pour out of me.

Like, I'm even grateful to have a warm set of pjs to sit here and type this in tonight. The more I think about what I appreciate and am grateful for, the more happy I am, even if it is for just a twinge of time. Working at happiness beats the alternative – for me.

What about you? What do you do to work toward being happy?

Continue Reading