SelfhelpMagazine Blog

Jo responded to a woman who was upset about reduced vsititation recommended by a child custody mediator who seems to have an ax tro grind with her and her husband, the child's father. This below is what Jo suggested, what are your thoughts?

My experience is limited in this area, but I can certainly tell by your posts that you are a sensitive and aware parent, and seemingly trying to do everything possible to help your step-son. In the cases of mediation that I have seen, once again, limited, but the mediator often has too much power.

Your step son is being taught negative things and you are powerless to make overly strong interventions because he is likely to tell his mother and the mediator, who will interpret your actions as being incorrect. he is still very young, and therefore very impressionable, which is all the more reason to do as much as you can, as soon as you can.  He is lucky to have you, so keep that in mind as you wage the battle that indeed lies before you.

The only thing that I have ever seen work in this kind of situation is to pull in a very experienced child psychologist, one who knows and works with the school system very closely. As the father, your husband can hire such a professional to at least help you both deal more effectively with your child. In the best of worlds, you and your husband can meet with the psychologist, who then can advise you about how to deal with the court and the mediator. It might cost you a few hundred or thousand dollars, but it can work wonders if you find the right one.

A good psychologist will be known by the schools, the courts, the mediators and respected by all. When calling around, look for someone who has at least 15 years experience working in your particular system, is recommended by at least two other professionls and who will take to you for five minutes by telephone before making an appointment.,

When you have him or her on the phone, ask them point bblank if they know the mediator yand judge you are dealing with. If not, ask that psychologist if there might be someone in the professional cmmunity who would know that judge and mediator. I'd get this information before even saying anything negative about her – just ask if someone knows her.

The point is to get someone who she respects, and might have some pull with her. Anything you say to a therapist you hire is completely confidential, so if you meet with one who sounds good ob the phone but turns out to be an idiot who loves your mediator and tells you you are out to lunch, you can leave and never come back – and they can't tell anyone they ever saw you. So you have nothing but time and money to lose, and not even all that much of it when you consider that within an hour of sitting with someone, you will know if you have found an ally, or an idiot.

If you find an idoit, go back to step one and keep asking around. If the mediator is a little Hitler, the community will know about her and someone will know how to get through to her…or will know that she she is untouchable. in either case, you will be helped by know who you are up against.

In the best of scenarios, this professional will have some pull, will manage to pull in other professionals, maybe to do some psychological testing and or get some teacher reports to build a case that the child has changed for the negative and that you need to get help for him as a family.

If that is recommended, do it,. and go to the professionals that are recommended by the ones you trust. Things can turn around very quickly in child custody cases, and can be brought up again and again every year or two if allowed by your county.

Keep us informed. My heart and best wishes goes out to you.

Jo