SelfhelpMagazine Blog

In the SHM Forums, Dini responded to one forum member who had some concerns about the topic of addiction. He said:

I've been meaning to respond to your post here for days but it's been difficult to start because in such a short space you cover so much ground. As you say, it's a "wide ranging topic." So I'll just start (and probably meander all over the place).

IMHO an addiction is often, if not always, a symptom of something underlying it; I know that was the case with me and booze, and were I to start boozing again, it would be because I was not dealing with the things that led me to want to numb out with booze. (And I don't think it much matters what your "drug of choice" is for those purposes; it might matter in terms of "kicking" – getting off crack cocaine is a different ballgame than giving up booze. Also, depends on how much time you've spent "in the arena" fighting everything BUT your demons). For me, booze was kind of insidious and didn't start out being a full-fledged problem or something I craved or did everyday; it was a slow gradual process to get to that point.

But I suppose the point for me (and I know for many others, although everybody has their own story and I do know others for whom it was a problemo on day one) is that eventually it did – drugs; did plenty of various types, though never used needles – with drugs I would "see it" and think "I like this waaaay too much and if I keep going there I might not come back" and would just stop. Period. Booze was more gradual and insidious. I didn't know I had a monkey on my back until it was jumping up and down and Cheetah was running the show, not Tarzan. Jane was nowhere in sight at that point; she had enough sense and self-respect to take her leave.

I've heard a zillion "definitions" of addiction, and of course, there is simple physical addiction, and as I've discovered (whether you call it addiction or not) this can apply to prescription meds; hence "tapering off." The definition I personally find most handy is whether or not the use (of whatever drug, booze, gambling, food, etc. etc. etc.) interferes with or negatively impacts your life – your health, your work/job, your relationships, your self-respect, your ability to get up in the morning and suit up and show up, your ability to maintain your own dignity and self-respect and you could add a bunch to that list I'm sure. Most people can have a few snorts and it does none of those things.

I had reached the point where I could not have just one, much less a few snorts, without wanting more, and it negatively affected all of those things. But underlying the addiction was pain, hiding from the pain, not wanting to feel emotions, etc. etc. etc. (I have jokingly said at AA meetings when I've been the speaker that toward the end, if I heard so much as a rumor that there was an emotion two blocks away, I ran…….except I wasn't joking).

So after getting sober, I knew I needed to deal with the underlying stuff, and started doing therapy. Unfortunately, with a social worker rather than a therapist and a poor (putting it mildly) social worker and therapist at that – but shame on me, should have seen the writing on the wall and that's been corrected.

And I too have known (do know) alcoholics who range all over the map; binge drinkers, daily drinkers, "maintenance drinkers," etc. Personally, my humble opinion is those details don't matter; if it is negatively affecting your life, it's a problem to be dealt with………

"Where does addiction start….." That's a large question Gregg. Perhaps depends on the person and on the drug of choice? I've known some as I say who from day one, zippo…….others, like myself, a slow gradual process where at some point (which I couldn't put my finger on but I know it's there) crossed a line from occassional to problem drinker to alcoholic drunk. Difference to me, IMHO, is that a "problem drinker" may be one for a period of time in life and then can stop.

An alcoholic drunk like me anyway, needs help. I cannot and do not stay sober one day at a time by myself. Maybe some folks can (though I've known a few "dry drunks" and personally, I'd be happy to buy them a few rounds), but not me. Also, there is apparently some genetic predisposition involved. I've heard plenty of folks in AA who describe alcoholism in their families. Hehee…..I sometimes say that given my background, I have no idea whether or not there are alcoholics in my biological family and while that might be interesting information, I already know the most important information I need to know: I am an alcoholic.

So my choice is whether to be a sober one or an active one. And IMHO, it is a choice. Every day I have a choice as to whether or not I want to pick up the first drink, and I know from experience where the first drink leads for me. I, like many other alkies, tried to "control" my drinking many times, and reached the point where I could no longer do it. Strike that. CAN no longer do it.

The drinking you describe yourself doing does not, IMHO, sound like alcoholic drinking at all to me. Just normal having a good time, maybe getting a little habit forming or a bit of a problem here or there, but you were always able to put it down. In my experience, once you've crossed that line, whereever it is, into "alcoholism" you lose that ability to "just put it down."

Your comment that "perhaps deep inside I was dying a slow death" really strikes home to me Gregg. I can't speak for others, but looking back, and with some therapy, I realized that is exactly what I was doing; suicide the slow and cowardly way. In fact, I once told a therapist who asked about my drinking again that it is suicide for me, and the chickenshit way of doing it; if I'm gonna do that, I'll take the faster route and head for the bridge. But yeah, self-destructive behavior, and slow death. For me.

"Rock bottom." Well, I don't equate what the Pentacostals were talking about with "rock bottom" when it comes to addiction, but that's just my personal opinion. And with addiction, rock bottom can mean many things to many different people; mine might not be yours, and hers might not be mine. But if it is "rock bottom" for any particular individual, then it's rock bottom.

The point where, IMHO, you get a moment of clarity as they say in AA, realize for that moment what you are doing to yourself and your life (such as it has become) and either decide to try and make a change or not. And I've known people who have to hit "bottom" more than once. I both feel for them and admire their courage; I think it takes courage to fight that demon, lose and come back for a re-match.

I have a friend who is currently in his fourth go-round in an out-patient program; I have told him that takes courage in my book, much more than it took for me – I was fortunate enough to (so far, knock on wood one day at a time) stay sober on the first go-round (knock on wood, one day at a time – I've seen plently of people with years of sobriety go drink again – addiction is a nasty beast and it does not sleep – those are my favorite speakers at AA meetings; one, I admire their courage, two, their stories scare the @#$%& out of me and remind me not to take anything for granted or be complacent and that I am only sober right now today and it's one day at a time.

Nicotine is a tough addiction. I swear that in strictly physical terms, it was harder for me to give up cigs than booze. At the suggestion of my doc I did it with the patch coupled with Wellbutrin in a smaller dose than is used for depression. It worked and I highly recommend it. Giving up smoking is much like other addictions; most people don't do it on the first go round (which is why, IMHO, relapse should almost be considered part and parcel of "recovery" and NOT a failure).

So the chew, with the nicotine, that is physically a tough addiction. You say you "fear you are addicted to the nicotine effect." Here's a suggestion Gregg. Have you tried going one day, two days, a week, whatever, without? If so, do you feel pretty normal or do you feel cravings and the heebie-jeebies? If the latter, (and as you know I ain't no doc) that would seem to me to be an indication that you might have some (and it could be mild) addiction to the nicotine effect.

One thing I learned in giving up the nicotine; there are two things to deal with; one is the habit, the other is the addiction to the drug. As to the nicotine drug addiction, you might talk to your doc about the Wellbutrin and patch, they may have to say you are mildly depressed, as they did with me, because insurance companies, in their brilliance, will not pay for Wellbutrin for smoking cessation though they will, as my doc put it, "pay for an iron lung later on." Though you might not have this problem at the VA?

The habit part I found I dealt with in different ways. Had toothpicks to muck around with, small hard candies, celery and carrot sticks, anything to keep my yap occupied. Maybe chewing gum for you?

And here's another thing I did that I believe was the most important. I took it one day at a time. Sometimes five minutes at a time. (AA stuff). If I felt a craving, I'd tell myself, OK, I'll have a smoke, but I'll wait five minutes. Well, five minutes later the craving is gone. Stuff like that. I DID NOT tell myself I would never smoke again; that was too big an order for me to handle.

But I could handle five minutes or one hour or one day at a time. And I would say little prayers, walking down the street or whatever, "God, help me to be a nonsmoker just for today." Did that constantly. And at some point I crossed a line (going in the other direction…..hehee) – I ceased thinking of myself/self-identifyng as a smoker or a smoker trying to quit, and started to self-identify as a nonsmoker. Huge sea-change. Again, I couldn't pin-point when that happened because I only realized it after it had happened, but that internal self-identification change was huge and made a huge difference. I think those prayers made a huge difference too.

Anyway Gregg, just a few humble opinions and a few experiences. Hope something in there is helpful. As you say – the subject is a "wide ranging one."

I'd love to hear some other people's experiences and thoughts.