SelfhelpMagazine Blog

In the SHM Community Forums, Dini admired one member's courage of speaking out his feelings about his depression and anxiety. He answered his concern by writing:

JJunalo,

Hello and welcome to these forums. I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to come here and have the emotional courage to say what is truly going on with you; in my humble opinion, that takes courage and I admire it! thumbs down So, you know, for all of the negative things you said about yourself in your post, by the very act of writing and hitting that "send" button and allowing yourself to open up and be vulnerable, in my humble opinion you did something VERY positive and courageous. Give yourself a big pat on the back for that one my friend. You deserve it! thumbs down A LOT of people don't have that kind of courage.

First I'll just say that there are plenty of people around here with great insight (certainly greater than mine), compassion, wisdom and honesty. If you keep being as straightforward and honest as you have been, they will respond to you on this, YOUR thread. (And this thread IS yours). But a suggestion or two for getting to be "known" around here JJunalo would be to mosey around in other threads, and if you see something you relate to or have experienced, just chime in, even if it's just to say, "yeah, I've been there too, I know how you feel." That alone is often a great comfort to me; to know that I am not alone, and be reminded of it (because I need to be reminded of most things about every five minutes….hehee). If you do a little of that, "give" of yourself a little that way, people will respond more to you here, in your thread. Also, sorry it took so long to respond to you; sometimes I get bogged down in "following" threads and don't notice a new one; I think that may be true for others here AND DOES NOT mean that people are not interested and will not respond to you. OK? Hang in there, people will come rallying around here.

So I'm no mental health expert (well, I've got a little bit of expertise in receiving their services…..hehee) but I can give you my honest feelings and reactions to what you have written and that's where I'll go. I hope there is something I say which is helpful. I should also say that I have suffered from severe depression and know what that experience is like, and currently am in therapy and take anti-depressants. I'm also a sober alky (I noticed you mentioned that you don't drink because you have good sense to know that drinking won't make things better for you – I give you a great deal of credit for that; it took me a while to figure that one out). So those are kind of the truth in advertising disclosures.

Basically, as I read through your post JJunalo, I see someone who is writing about being depressed. Don't get me wrong; as I said, I am not a professional and I am not "diagnosing" I am just relating what you have expressed to my own experience. Depression is a disease and not a "failure" or a moral (or any other sort of) weakness. AND IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!! If you look around this website, or others, it is pretty easy to find the "list" of typical symptoms of clinical depression, and they may happen for a variety of reasons but they are not the fault of the person suffering from it. You describe many of the symptoms, in my inexpert opinion, but also in my experience; "I've been unhappy with myself for quite a few years – I feel like such a failure – I don't feel like a man – I don't even have the self-love to take care of myself – I brought this situation onto myself (self-blaming, which in my humble opinion is neither true nor necessary – I recognize this one because "it takes one to know one" JJunalo and I do it all the time too) – AT TIMES I AM STRONG AND WILLING TO DO WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE IN ORDER TO GET MYSELF OUT OF THIS HOLE BUT A FEW MINUTES LATER I AM BACK TO BEING THIS WEAK PERSON." If you took that last sentence, JJunalo, and substituted the word "depressed" for "weak" in my humble opinion the sentence would be more accurate and it is a good description of how I have felt many times when depressed. I have spent half a day curled in a ball and the other half "doing what needs to be done." I am going through just what you describe these days. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. That's the sort of thing depression does to you, that's a way in which the disease of depression exhibits itself, at least in my experience.

I've learned there are two "theories" of depression; one sort of biologically based and which can be ongoing or recurrent, and the other being "situational" depression; a life-situation which would be tough on anyone and would make any normal person feel depressed. I certainly cannot say which might be the case for you but I can give you a good suggestion as to how to help with it, especially since you say "I have friends but I have no one to connect with regarding the adversities that I am going through right now." It is VERY hard to feel alone with pain and adversity and in my opinion, makes it much more painful. Please use this place to express some of it, it's a safe place to do so and you are not alone here; there are plenty of people here who have experienced the kind of pain you describe.

But my biggest suggestion is to talk with a mental health professional and get some help. I have, and do, do that. Many of the folks around here have or do. There is no shame AT ALL in asking for help. And as a man, I can tell you that I too have problems asking for help – it is something that is staring me straight in the face in my life at the moment (ah, see; maybe you were sent here to help ME my friend), but I also have done it and I KNOW that asking for help does not mean you are not a man. Quite the opposite I think. It takes emotional courage to be vulnerable and ask for help. We men are too often taught the opposite and so we wander suffering needlessly. A good therapist or counselor can help you talk through some of these things, and some of the self-esteem issues and feelings of insecurity you've raised in your post (and I give you BIG credit as a MAN JJunalo for having the courage to say those things out loud!), exploring where they come from, how to be aware of them, and deal with them so that they don't continue to hinder your path in life. I know therapy with a good therapist has been a huge help to me this past year and a half or so. (I also do group therapy with a great group and a great therapist). Also, seeing a psychiatrist may be greatly helpful. They can prescribe medications that may help you through the worst of it so that you can cope with the everyday stuff, and allow you to deal with what's really underlying everything. (You'll find a bit of a debate on these forums about medications and their use but I'm sort of in the middle; my feeling is they've helped myself and others, there are certainly things you want to be informed about with them, and you certainly want to have a good line of communication with your psych doctor about their effect on you – the main thing is, yes there is a debate, but you can make your own informed choices and decisions with the help of a good psych doc).

So JJunalo, what do you think of those suggestions? Talking with a therapist or counselor. Seeing a psychiatrist about the possibility of medication if that seems to be indicated and is your choice? (And don't forget to keep coming around here and letting us be those friends you CAN connect with about this stuff going on in your life).

One last thought JJunalo, I do think that there are certain actions and behaviors that help us with depression and help us with self-esteem. In AA for instance, there is a phrase, "if you want to be (or feel) esteemed, do esteemable acts." Also, with depression, little things, getting outside, getting sunlight, even the smallest of little "victories" can be hugely helpful. Sometimes at the end of a "bad day" I have to remind myself, I did the best I could today and learn to be OK with just that; I don't have to be "the best" or someone else's idea of what it is to be a man or "successful." Just the best I can for today. Same for you my friend. The best you can, one hour or day at a time. But getting the right job, or relationship or whatever other "outside" person or thing does not, in my humble opinion, cure what may ail us inside; that's something we have to work at ourselves with the help of an empathetic and skilled person, a therapist or counselor. That has been my experience. If I feel insecure, a job doesn't "cure" it; working on the emotional issues is what gets at it. Hope that makes sense.

Jimmy has a great post or two if you look around (I think it is in the Psychotherapy and Counseling Forum but is also on the blog) about finding a good therapist. It is great advice. I once had a pretty bad experience with a therapist and used Jimmy's advice and found a great one who is VERY helpful to me. I'd recommend finding it and giving it a read.

Glad you are here JJunalo, and I admire your courage and honesty. It is the courage and honesty of a man. thumbs down Keep it coming! And let us know what you think, or what you might be doing with any of these suggestions, and also, just how you are doing and feeling.

Again, JJunalo, welcome aboard and glad you're here. You are welcome here and YOU BELONG HERE and YOU ARE NOT ALONE HERE !!

Take advantage of that my friend. Just try to give back a little of yourself in the process.

Later JJunalo,