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Dealing with a Partner's Sexual Abuse
The following clip was taken from the response to a post about a man's dilemma in dealing with a partner who was pulling away from him. He was asking if he should confront her.
Joanne wrote:
Dear XXXX,
I think "confront" is not the right word or approach to use with someone who is pulling away from you, both physically and emotionally. If you want her to come back to you, you will need a lot of patience and understanding. You might not have it for her. I don't know.
But if you ever really loved her, then now is the time she needs you the most. Treat her like a frightened kitten, one who runs whenever you reach out to help. Sometimes, you just need to get the fire department to get their big ladders and go where you can't (in this case, that would be the best couple's therapist you can find, regardless of whether or not your insurance company pays for it).
Yelling and threatening and hurling insults or threats won't help. Doing those things might make you feel better, but they will just give her reason to fear you even more.
Back to the therapist suggestion. If you didn't like what the first couple's therapist suggested, and you still want to have a full relationship with this woman, the best thing I can suggest is that you find another therapist (on your own – but tell her you are going to look) and once you've interviewed that person on the telephone, make the appointment and go in together.
If you go alone, she will probably have a harder time trusting that the new therapist isn't going to side with you…and if you want to win her trust back, that would be the wrong way to hire a therapist to help you.
So make sure you let her know that you are looking for a couple's therapist. Ask her if she'd prefer a man or a woman – give her as much choice as possible. What does it matter to you, anyway? You're the one whose going to make the appointment, and so, you will be able to tell on the telephone if the "vibe" is right and if the therapist sounds like one you'd click with. Tell her you want to interview at least 2-3 of them because in your mind, the whole relationship depends on finding the right person to save it – so you will spare no expense or effort.
If she refuses to go to therapy with you NOW, go by yourself. Let her know that you are not going to leave right away, but that you are also not going to stand by and have a loveless or sexless marriage, either. Marriage is a commitment where both people promise to share a life together, and that life involves sex.
When the emotional side of a healthy relationship falters, the sexual energy, the sexual spark can be relied upon to bring people back together.
When the sexual side falters, the emotional energy shared by the couple should kick in and reawaken the sexual spark.
So a well-balanced, healthy relationship needs both, an emotional spark (energy, enthusiasm about sharing a life) and a sexual spark (energy, enthusiasm about being sexual together). One gives energy to the other and keeping the whole thing moving forward.
If either side is snuffed out, the relationship stops and dies.
If you want to save this relationship, I'd encourage you to throw a few thousand dollars at getting the best help you can afford immediately.
As for the several thousand dollars…consider the cost of a divorce and the emotional cost of sharing two households upon your children. IMHO, it is better to invest whatever it takes now to get the best therapist you can find (the most experienced couple's therapist in your community) and make a solid go of this current relationship. Divorce always hurts the children. Research has proven that fact unequivocally. Divorce also hurts the adults and many family members involved when the divorcing parties let things go too far.
SHM Staff asks YOU: How do you BEST cope with a partner's childhood sexual abuse?