professionals bring you the science of psychology, complete with a worldwide support community. C'mon in - and help yourself!
Blaming Yourself
In the SHM Community Forums, Dini responded to one mother who was drowning with sorrow and regret about the death of her son. She held herself accountable for what had happened. Dini said:
Nanse,
Just want to say hello and welcome here and my heart just went pouring out for you reading your post and about the loss of your son.
I hope YOU are OK, and that you are finding someone you can talk to (and this is a good place to use to pour it out).
Just want to say this to, because I noticed all your questions asking "why didn't I" do or not do something in the moment when things were happening. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT !!!!!! We do the best we can and that is exactly what you did; the very best you could. Again, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Don't blame yourself. It was perfectly reasonable of you to trust that the medical "professionals" knew what they were doing and had the situation in hand. That's exactly what 99.9% of people would have done. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
Get angry at the hospital, the doctor's, nurses, EMT's, the attorneys who won't take your case and the regulatory system which may or may not take action that prevents such a thing from happening to someone else. They carry the fault. But don't take that anger out on yourself. It will eat you alive.
I've had the experience of horrendous health "treatment," and suffered greatly for it, though Joanne knows far more of that, and has endured far more than I. I do know that it is important to do the things you have done; file those complaints, get those investigations going because it is important for YOU, whatever the result. But just a word of caution if I may,(I live in the same state as you do); the investigations may have some good effect, and that would be a wonderful legacy of your son. But they are not likely to result in the kind of "justice" that you emotionally and rationally feel and think, and perhaps quite rightly so, should be the result – like people losing their licenses, etc. It's been my experience that, as someone else here put it, "the regulation is abysmal" and that the regulators often protect their own, rather than we, the public whom they are supposed to protect and serve. So pursue those complaints, some good may come of them. But don't rely on the results of them to provide you with what you may feel is "justice."
Mostly, don't blame yourself. You are not to blame for any of what occurred, not one iota of it. Period.
I wish you peace and my heart goes out to you. I hope you feel comfortable with using this space as a place to express and work through some of what you are feeling and experiencing. Or perhaps a GOOD and EXPERIENCED therapist may be of great help to you. In the psychology forum, Jimmy has written some really useful ways of picking a therapist. I used them to the "T" and found them to be just the way to go (after making a very bad mistake on my own).
Take care. Be well. Feel free to come back here and say ANYTHING you need to or want to say.