SelfhelpMagazine Blog

Shy Children

Posted on 05. Mar, 2008 by SHM Staff in Children, Self-esteem

Joanne wrote: I just read the new SHM article about shyness and think it is great. Some of you parents with shy kids may want to read it. It is in the Parenting Department: What Every Shy Person Want You to Know: Don't Call Me Shy!
[selfhelpmagazine.com]

Here's part of it:

" Never refer to a child as shy. The way that a parent or teacher labels a child is the same way that the child will come to label him/herself. Once a child develops a concept of herself as being shy she will behave in a manner that is consistent with that label. When you label a child shy, you convey to her the message that you don't believe she can behave in a socially skilled manner � and that is precisely the way she will continue to develop. Children who define themselves as shy believe that that is the only way they are capable of behaving.

We have put so much pressure on shy individuals that we set them up to fail. It is important for parents and teachers to decrease the anxiety of a social situation, while helping children define themselves in socially positive ways. Children need to learn who they are without labels. When a child is in a new situation and feels unsure, it is very reassuring to have a parent or teacher describe their behavior. "You need time to get used to new places and that's okay. You'll join in when you are ready." Explanations such as these go a long way to show the child that you respect his/her needs and you make the child responsible for his/her next step, thereby decreasing the pressure.

Parents and teachers often expect to see only shy behavior from shy children. It is so important for adults to change their focus from what a shy child isn�t doing to what he/she is. When you are first beginning to work to improve a shy child's social skills and overall confidence, a social success could include smiling at another child, sitting at the birthday party table, or passing out papers at school. Make a point of giving positive recognition for times that the child makes a social gesture, however small.

Having a shy child is challenging for both parent and child. Interaction between the two is vitally important and many parents find it worthwhile to seek out the expertise of a shyness coach. Just as a person hires a financial coach to focus on finances, a weight loss coach to learn about proper diet and exercise, and a La Leche coach to assist with breastfeeding techniques, shyness coaching is beneficial to many. Shyness coaching helps parents explore what methods they are presently using to parent their child and what is working or not working. Parents become more aware of how they interact with their shy child and how what they say, and do, has a direct effect upon how the shy child progresses."

Check it out and let me know if you think the author's idea are reasonable.