Emotionally Abused by Family

Posted on 18. Sep, 2009 by SHM Staff in CLIPS FROM SHM DISCUSSION FORUMS, Difficult People

In the SHM Forums, Dini responded to the concern raised by one forum member claiming to have been emotionally abused by her family. He wrote:

Leeson,

You have a LOT of courage speaking your truth here as you have; I have enormous respect for you. And I am glad that, despite some your previous experience on other forums, (I know what you mean; some of them are populated by downright nasty people), you exercised your great courage and honesty in giving us a chance here to "hear you." I can assure that my experience in participating in these forums has been VERY positive; it doesn't mean that there are not times when people question me, or "call me on my stuff," but that's part of the honest CONSTRUCTIVE criticism or questioning that I sometimes need. It's been my experience that people here are decent, understanding and pretty wise and compassionate. And I have at times been protected by both people who participate in these forums and those who operate it from just the kind of nastiness that I've seen on other forums. It took courage for you to trust that that might be the case here, when it is not alway that way on these kinds of forums, and I commend you for having the courage to trust. I believe that it does take courage to trust, to allow oneself to be vulnerable, as you have done. Again, Leeson, I am so glad you have such courage and honesty and commend you for it!! thumbs down Give yourself a pat on the back for it Leeson, you deserve it! smiling bouncing smiley

I also admire your self-respect, which is hard to maintain in circumstances and around people who are abusive or who do not believe you. I know from personal experience how horrible it can be to have things manipulated such that you are not believed (including being inappropriately though briefly hospitalized – which kind of turned out to be a blessing in disguise for me but that's another story, and not YOUR story, which is what this thread is all about) and also how powerful it can be to be believed by someone when others do not understand or see the insanity or abuse you are being subjected to, or they see it as your doing or your problem or your imagination. That can not only bring out anger, as you have mentioned, but it also just plain hurts, very deeply. That has been my experience at any rate. It all makes me admire your courage and honesty all the more.

The situation you describe with your father, brother and mother sound pretty abusive. Abuse, whether physical or emotional, takes it's toll on us emotionally, and on our mental health. You mention that you have tried to talk about being abused but it seems people either do not "hear" you or think the problem is somehow you. And I certainly hear your distrust of the police and doctors and the hospital based on your experience so far with them. Yet, like any human being, you also express the need to have someone to talk to about it, to have some emotional support. We can provide some of that here; but I'll just ask – is there any "stone unturned" where you live – someone different to whom you might be able to talk? Is there perhaps a local community health clinic where a counselor or therapist whom you might trust would be available to you? I ask because I know what it's like to feel "aimless, lots of sadness and coping alone." There is nothing that has helped me so much as being able to talk to people who believe me, whom I trust, and who deserve my trust. You made a huge leap of courage in trusting those of us here Leeson, I just wonder if perhaps there might be somewhere you have not yet turned or tried where you might make that same leap of courage and find someone to talk to about all this, from whom you might receive some emotional support?

Meantime, keep letting it out here Leeson. I know that for me, just getting it "outside of myself" and talking about it, including here on these forums, can be very, very helpful to me. I hope you take advantage of that and find it helpful to you as well.

My heart goes out to you. You are in a tough situation and even in that tough situation you express courage, honesty and self-respect. Kudo's to you for having those qualities Leeson.

Maybe I could offer a suggestion or two and also ask a question or two? You need not respond to any or all of it; entirely up to you and what you feel comfortable with OK?

It's helpful in using these forums to get yourself "known" – one way of doing that is to spend some time looking around and reading some of the threads in the various forums; even the "old" threads. They can be helpful because you often find someone who, in one way or another, has experienced some of the same things you are experiencing, and it can be helpful to see how they dealt with it or are dealing with it, and what support and suggestions they may have received here. It also helps if when you relate to someone or someone's situation, you hit that "reply" button and say hello, maybe just say "I understand, I've been there too" or more if you'd like – the more you give around here the more you tend to receive, and by doing that, you make yourself "visible" and known, so that people respond more directly to you right here, in YOUR thread.

Perhaps it would be helpful to people in responding to you (I know it would be for me) if you could give a little more detail about yourself (and I don't mean "identify" yourself in any way; that's kind of what I was talking about with the email thing before – protect yourself by NOT doing that) – I mean things like perhaps how old you are, how long has this been going on, you say your father has sexual feelings for you; has he ever acted on them? Your description of him not wanting you to have boyfriends or be intimate with someone else when you were in your teens sounds like the kind of controlling behavior of an abuser to me.

I am so glad you have trusted us here with your story Leeson, and I hope you continue to do so. You have a lot of courage. In my experience, you'll find a lot of compassionate people around here, and many who have dealt with various forms of abuse. They can be VERY helpful to you.

Stick around Leeson. People with your courage and honesty are very valued around here. thumbs down

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