Men Relationships

Posted on 25. Sep, 2009 by SHM Staff in CLIPS FROM SHM DISCUSSION FORUMS, Divorce, Marriage, Men, Relationships, Self-esteem, Sexuality

In the SHM Community Forums, Joanne shared her thoughts why men has those "guy thing" fantasies as what one forum member says about his boyfriend. She explains:

I'm clearly not a man, but I know what you're talking about.

I don't know your man, (and he sounds WONDERFUL!!) Congratulations, BTW, and I am sooo glad you have come back to tell us about what's been going on for you these last few years – you are very cool!! thumbs down Now we can all celebrate your success together smiling bouncing smiley grinning smiley hot smiley

Ok, back to your question…. I can't say his situation or any other man's has to do with trying to make you jealous or anything like that. Maybe that's true, maybe it's not – you just haven't given any indicators suggesting it is true in your post. I don't happen to think it's true for all men. Some of very sincere and secure and don't need to resort to making women jealous any more than I need to make my husband jealous.

I personally think men and women are different in our culture because men get away with not learning how to have verbal skills to be communicative, be honest, and have open discussions about sincere relationships.

They show up and have more power, period.

They pop out the womb, and are imbued with more power than women, sort of like white people pop out and automatically have more power than black people, or physically large kids have more power than little kids. Size suggests power, probably because larger people can hurt you more, but that's a whole other line of discussion, so I will come back to men and women….

Women on the other hand are relegated the task of relationship-tending, so to survive, we have to learn communication skills to be able to maintain relationships, such as negotiation skills, calming, soothing verbal & physical skills, (cooing, rocking, stroking, etc.) We learn how to mend fences, be fair and equitable (not insist on equal but rather equitable arrangements), forgive people, move forward after being hurt, not pout forever, etc. At least those of us who are successful in relationship learn these things, and women who don't learn these skills fail in relationships over and over again.

There's a whole lot more to say about that, and if you are interested, this magazine SelfhelpMagazine has many great articles about relationship skill building.

But let's move this discussion forward from the point that there's a huge difference between how girls and boys are raised in our country, and that influences the topic of your question, namely, why men use fantasy so much.

OK, onward with my theory eye rolling smiley …with the difference in skill level, men can't get as much fulfillment from their relationships because all to many of them are like kids who go into a candy shop and can just point instead of asking for what they want.

They can't ask for what they want, they can't just grab candies, they don't have the "currency" to pay for as much as they want or need. (Remember, men equate love with sex, for the most part, and by sex, I mean orgasm, not cuddling).

So they need the candy (orgasm) and don't know how to get there. They have more difficulty than women satisfying themselves with only 1 kind of orgasm, so they use their brain's frontal lobes (higher level cognitive mediators) to make up the difference. They have higher sex drives and lower skills at asking, so what happens, their brains kick in and fill the gap by giving them fantasies about sex with lots of different women.

*** It's very much like the eating disordered people who have learned to go into the candy store and eat with their eyes – imagine the flavor of each candy, savor it, and never have to put it in their mouths.
**Men in our country learn to live with their hormones by looking at porn and satisfying their sexual needs without ever learning how to have true, deep sexual connection with their partner (male or female) and so, they can stay married, committed and never cheat because they have all this cheating stuff handled through their fantasy life.

For most of them, it works. It is easy, available almost anywhere, and they can run into a bathroom stall practically anywhere they are, jerk off to the imaginary interlude they could have had with that cute red head they saw at the deli counter, or on TV, or that they remember from high school, and they're done with that temptation. As one of my friends says, "All they need is a crease to jam their dicks into ' an armpit, the back of a knee, boobs, toes, a bent neck – whatever will squeeze them tight enough to give them friction."

Then they can go home and feel good about having handled their needs without every digging down to where it hurts, to where they don't have the relationship skills to go. Like the eating disordered person who doesn't actually eat the candy and therefore doesn't gain the weight, they can feel in control of themselves.

THE NORM
Better yet, since most men do this, they can talk to each other about it and thereby feel like it is normal, because it REALLY is the norm.

We can see this in even more repressed countries like the Islamic countries, where men can have even fewer real women, so they imagine they will earn the right to virgins when they die if they live a holy life – pretty sad way to live their short lives on this planet, but hey, it's their norm and their belief and they talk about it openly as a religious GOAL even….

BEST PORN
In fact, if you look at the best selling porn, it isn't the graphic details that gets men off, it ht e cute little (little is important, in that it allows the man to dominate even more -and the more insecure he is, the more he needs to dominate) so yes, little, young defenseless female, with HER FACE COVERED OR HIDDEN. (Do we have any guesses at why Middle Eastern men prefer their women to have their faces covered?) Dominance is everywhere, even when presented in the guise of fundamentalist religion.

In fact, study after study, the less familiar this woman is, the more exotic or different, the less facial features are seen, the higher eroticism scores the pics or videos get. They want faceless sex with vulnerable sex objects – not people.

Once they get their rocks off with enough of these faceless sex objects, the more they can come to us and have regular, love making.

WHAT ELSE IS THERE?
What's the alternative?? A rare being indeed in the US: a man who has examined himself enough with someone else VERBALLY, made himself open and childish and vulnerable enough that he is in touch with both his male and female natures, so his need to dominate, or subordinate (which is only a twisted version of domination) has been satisfied and no longer drives him. Such men are the best at being married and in relationship with anyone, not just women. They are more well versed in relating.

Such a man is more likely to have been raised in Europe, for example, where many men are more in touch with their female sides, AND has had the life experience to have undergone:
1. vigorous psychotherapy of the old fashioned sort, that is, real, in-depth psychotherapy;
2. or someone though their own spiritual training has learn THROUGH INTERACTION that he is vulnerable at times, female at times, male at times and everything in between that he's gotten a well rounded and fulfilling relationship skills.

Such skills are only obtained by interacting with others (hence the term social skills or interactive relationship skills). No one ever got relationships skills by sitting alone on a mountain top. It's only by doing relationships that we come face-to-face with problems associated with being in relationship – it's a dance, and you just can't get good at ballroom dancing by practicing yourself.

Ok, so I'll get off my soap box and just say, welcome back, Natalie – good to hear from you again!! I hope I didn't lose you with my dissertation.

Hugs,
Jo

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