How do I even begin to describe my experiences with my eating disorders throughout the last fifteen years -- over half my lifetime? I say eating disorders because I have, at different periods of my life, resorted to manipulating my use of food in different ways and with different purpose. First, I was anorexic; then, bulimic; then, an anorexic who practiced bulimia. At times, I have exhibited behavior that is more characteristic of a compulsive overeater. The reason why I decided to write this article, in fact, is because I feel like these are distinctions an outsider will not necessarily be able to discern for him- or herself. It seems to me that what is lacking is an understanding that, in addition to self-esteem and self-image concerns, in addition to the trait of perfectionism that is usually associated with anorexia and the control issues associated with bulimia, the misuse of food can also be yet another manifestation of obsessive-compulsive disorder.

At this point, it is important to distinguish between the person who suffers from an eating disorder and a person who has disordered habits. One is a way of thinking; the other a way of behavior. I would wager that most girls at some time during their adolescence have gone on at least one radical diet, and many have tried at least once the trick of sticking the finger down the throat. However, not only are they aware that their methods are questionable, but they also manage to keep things in perspective. By this, I mean that their behavior is simply something done in order to attain a particular, definite end. The person with the eating disorder, on the other hand, never achieves an end goal; the process itself takes over her/his life -- all mental and physical energy. Furthermore, the process turns into the end itself, because it is often a way of coping (more aptly, not coping) with other issues.

Long before I started dieting with unbelievable rigor, I displayed signs of obsessive-compulsive behavior. What makes obsessive-compulsive behavior problematic is that, in many ways, it is something that our society rewards; as one would expect in any competitive and progressive society, we are rewarded according to what we produce. Obsessive behavior, frequently seen simply as dedication, is fed by recognition and praise. But there is a fine line between a healthy work ethic and obsession/compulsion.

For me, my first step into the eating-disordered universe was in the form of calorie-counting, beginning at the age of twelve. My obsessive-compulsive nature was easily manifest in a preoccupation with numbers. Also, calorie-counting and planning food intake went right along with my tendency toward extreme ritualistic behavior. My reliance on structure and repetition made the anorexic world a safe, more comfortable place for me. But as with any other relationship, my relationship with my disorder evolved as I grew and my needs changed. I became bulimic.

There are two very separate experiences with bulimia I can relate. First, as an anorexic, I would make myself throw up when I had given in and eaten something, anything not planned. Then there is the side of my bulimia that has little to do with the anorexic mind-set, and was more centered on the binge-purge ritual. Still, my "binges" were never out-of-control gorging. The foods I ate and the order in which I ate them were exact -- the calculated combining of foods in a way that would make them easier to regurgitate. Sometimes, I would just throw up water by the gallons. For me, it was all about the throwing up. I have called it "my silent scream," a phrase that other bulimics I know have latched onto. When I was feeling complete frustration or anger, this was my way of yelling out to the world in protest. In addition, throwing up produced a rush of sorts, a boost of energy; or, I could count on the exhaustion that would come shortly afterwards to help me during periods of insomnia. For me, throwing up had absolutely nothing to do with losing weight -- I didn't need it for that. What it offered me was a sensation of release, and a way to have a "voice" when I felt I had none.

And how does the anorexic/bulimic also share traits of the compulsive overeater? We all use food as a means of expression, and sometimes as a way not to feel; also, unlike addicts of narcotics and alcohol, we all are challenged with using our drug of choice on a daily basis, since there's no giving up food altogether. And no matter how much we starve, vomit, or gorge ourselves, there is always something gnawing away at us, the underlying issue(s).

Eating disorders are a matter of the mind. How my body looks is not necessarily a tell-tale sign about my emotional well-being, because the disease is much more than just the behavior. It is a way of thinking. And, while it is possible to re-train the way we think, there is a lot more to it than just stopping. Even when I'm not practicing my disease, it is there; my obsessive-compulsive thinking and behavior are aspects of myself that I am careful to keep in check, to counter with meditation, positive thinking and other coping strategies.

Ms. Discorfano, a graduate of Rice and Georgetown universities, currently resides in New York, where she works as a writer and performer.

08/17/00