I've always been a seeker, as far back as I can remember. It was this, plus a period of major family unrest that led me to a join a cult in 1979. I was actively looking for a way to end my pain and to find some people who truly cared about me. I was with this group 2 years until a major confrontation with my parents and clergy forced me to leave. Shortly thereafter, I went through a formal deprogramming.

I began the long task of rebuilding my life. One of the things I had lost was my innocence, and I mourned that. Years later, I realized this was a good thing, partly because I was now able to face things about myself that I couldn't see before. I had blamed others for my mistakes, rather than taking responsibility for my actions. I realized I wanted to get back at my father for the way he treated me by joining the cult. I was really only hurting myself.

As part of my recovery, I spent many years in service, helping anyone who had been involved with cults and by giving public talks. By 1983, I was ready for a change. That summer, I moved out to the west coast, though still continuing my service work. While helpful to others, I stayed obsessed with my past. Within a year, I had had enough, I put away my books and files and resolved to move on. It wasn't easy.

I suffered intensely for a long time. I would frequently get the shakes, suffer depression and suicidal thoughts. A particular torment was the feeling that I'd carry this pain for the rest of my life. I often thought I'd give anything to be free of it, though I couldn't see any solution in sight. In my attempt to live a normal life, I closed the door to all spiritual explorations.

Several years later, the spiritual part of my life reasserted itself. I was having problems with my vision, even with glasses. In consultations with doctors, I discovered I had a hereditary disease called Keratoconus. It was a rare disease with only one obvious symptom - blurred vision. After checking out my options, I decided on Laser surgery.

Two and a half years and 4 operations later, my vision improved, though there were serious side effects. I lost my sense of balance, depth perception and often felt like I was being split in two. I couldn't work during this time and grew increasingly afraid, partly because of how long it was taking to heal.

I was suffering intensely and had trouble being in the world, which forced me to turn inward. With the help of a counselor, I learned to use meditation as a way of calming myself and easing my fears. But I still wasn't satisfied. Looking for relief, I decided to try out acupuncture. I became friendly with the healer there who told me a Chinese Meditation Master was coming to town and that I should go. My girlfriend and I spent a week learning about the true nature of our lives. After the master left, we continued with an ongoing meditation group.

It was shortly after this workshop that I had an inner experience of visions and spontaneous knowledge where I learned about the nature of the world. It happened while just sitting, and in meditation continuing day and night for 6 weeks. I became fearful because I saw the futility of my life.

A friend from our class saw what I was going through and gave me a copy of "The Yoga Vasistha" (where the sage Vasistha instructs Lord Rama on enlightenment). She asked me to read the first chapter "On Dispassion." I was astounded, reading it was like looking at a blueprint of my experience. It eased my fears and gave me a deeper understanding of my life.

I continued to meditate and felt an inner urging to find a teacher. I placed that intention mentally, and asked for one to enter my life. Six months later I went through an initiation at a Yoga retreat. Spontaneous knowledge began to arise again. I began to enjoy mantras and chants. Now, instead of forcing myself to meditate and practice, my practice was driving me. The pain I felt for so long began to heal. Through the grace of God, many of my fears vanished.

As a result of this transformation, I am now unable to criticize many of these so-called cults. In the past I had listened to what other people told me without checking the facts. I became biased because of this. Now, I prefer to go by my own experience. Part of my journey has been about developing discernment, a task different for everyone.

If I hear about anyone claiming to be a spiritual master, the first thing I check is the persons background. Part of the problem in the west is that anyone can hang out a shingle and claim to be a master. In my experience, a true master usually has a lineage which can be traced. Examples of this can be found in the Buddhist and Yoga traditions. In some cases, I even attend a program to see if I have an inner experience. If not, I know the group isn't for me and move on. A big part of this whole process is trusting my intuition, rather and being swayed by opinions and hype. That way, I avoid unnecessary suffering.

11/11/98

Nathan Segal is a Professional Writer and Computer Artist. When not working on articles, he spends some of his time creating Space Fantasy and Spiritual Paintings. He is also involved with Stock Photography and Animation. He resides on the west coast of British Columbia.