I was so proud and excited about being a cheerleader in high school, it never occurred to me that I could have been on the team. Girls didn't do team sports then, we just got to cheer the teams on. So, we never learned whether we had what it takes to be team players. In fact, many of us never learned what, exactly, it takes.

It's taken a lifetime to figure that out. Often, I've messed it up. But when it works - Wow! You feel so powerful, so very good at what you're doing, so in tune with everybody else, that it's practically an out-of-body experience. The level of trust, sharing, and caring rivals anything but Mom. What an amazing experience! At least, it's been extraordinary for women of my generation, who all had to learn about teams the hard way.

Things are different for younger people- they've been on soccer teams, and lots of other opportunities are available for team participation. I wonder if the coaches ever tell them that what they're learning on the field is good stuff to know in the classroom, and later on, in the boardroom? It's enormously important to learn how to be a good team player, as well as learning how to be a very competent individual.

Mostly, our national heritage, history, and hero stories are about rugged individuals, people who succeed by their own brains and brawn. In school, we earn our grades by doing our own work, and if we share information, that's called cheating. So, we learn to keep it quiet. Then, we get to a job the supervisor tells us we're not good team players because we don't share information. Go figure!

As frustrating as all this can be, the basics of being a good team player are pretty simple, even though they run against that individualistic grain. Listen to the coach, keep your eyes on the goal, forget about your ego. You're not here to be a star, you're here to help the team win. Stay in tune with the rest of the team, and support the team publicly, keeping any quarrels and criticisms private. Those five principles will put your team in a winning position anytime you're reaching for a goal, whether the team is family, school chorus, church, work group, community, or nation.

Listen to the coach means first of all, not talking back. Recognize and respect the coach's wider experience, and understand that he or she may have reasons you know nothing about, which they can't share with you because of privacy, or the law, or just plain efficiency. So, listen. If things don't go the way the coach told you they would, wait until an appropriate time and ask questions in a respectful and tactful manner. Ask, "What should I do differently?", which will give the coach a face-saving way to make adjustments and corrections. There's no harm in being kind.

Keep your eyes on the goal means to be constantly aware of the purpose of the group or team. If it's to win games, then all the energy needs to go in that direction. Whatever the purpose of the group, stay focused on that and only that. It's so easy to get distracted, to waste energy on sidelines that don't pay off, to spin your wheels doing things that don't add up to any satisfaction or progress toward the goal.

Forget about your ego means to stop trying to show up the others on your team, and concentrate on helping the whole team achieve its goals. Teamwork is not a place to be looking for individual praise; it's a place to help the whole team score. The key word is contribute - if you can polish your contributions to the team and its success, you've made yourself valuable.

Always remember that if you're bringing to the team value over and above what you cost, in time and trouble, your place is secure. The same question will go through your boss' mind wherever you're working - does she contribute more than she costs? People who don't, don't last very long.

Staying in tune with the others is harder to talk about, but it's critically important. Think of a pro basketball team, running down the court. One team member shoots the ball over to, not where the teammate is when he shoots, but to where he knows the teammate will be a split second later. How does he know that? Well, that's what tons of practice together and paying attention to each other's ways of acting in the game will do for you. Staying in tune also means providing back up for someone who's getting tired or hassled, keeping the whole team strong.

Supporting the team publicly means keeping disagreements private, and showing the world your loyalty. If someone has a criticism and wants your comment, just refer them to the coach for information about that. Talk about how proud you are to be a member of the team, and how sure you are that the goals are within reach. If you have a concern, take it to the coach in private. If you follow these rules, you're sure to be a sought-after member of any team you like.

There's a role for individual ability here, too, of course. To prepare for helping any team reach its goals, you have to develop your skills as well as your attitude. Practice is the only way to bring out all the natural ability you have. Practice is often a private thing, but to get really good at anything, you need feedback, and a chance to correct your mistakes.

Other team members can help with that, and you can return the favor for them. Give the feedback to them with tact. Don't talk about how they "always" or "never" do this or that. They deserve a fair look at what they're doing right now. And when someone hands you some unwelcome criticism in the way of feedback, just ask yourself if they're trying to be helpful. If so, say thanks, and consider that there might be a little nugget of truth in what they tell you.

Teamwork isn't so hard, once we get that old prideful thing, ego, out of the way. I'm glad I've had a chance to experience some great teams, and I know you will, as well.

Workbook Questions:

1. What are some of the best teams you've ever been on, at home, school, or in the community? How did that experience make you feel?
2. If you're having disagreements on your team, what is the effect of complaining to your friends and family about that?
3. Why should you "cover their back" if a team member is tired, or just too stressed to perform well?
4. Briefly analyze whether the coach or boss would say you contribute more than you "cost" on a couple of different teams you participate in.
5. If someone is a little rude in providing feedback on your performance, what could you say to them that won't hurt the team?

Adapted from: "Becoming a Team Player", in Trapp, L.A. (2007). Letters to My Granddaughters; Insights and Inspiration for a life journey. Puerto Vallarta, Abbott Publications.

References:

• Fisher, K. (1993). Leading Self-Directed Work Teams. New York, McGraw-Hill.
• Schwarz, R.M. (1994.), The Skilled Facilitator. San Francisco, Jossey-Bass.

About the Author:

Dr. Linda Abbott Trapp writes from Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. A former Dean at the California School of Professional Psychology, Certified Speaking Professional, and owner of the consulting firm Abbott & Associates, she's an internationally known speaker who has authored seven books and more than 250 articles, columns, and reviews. Her recent books can be previewed at: www.abbottpub.com.